DeCafe Stops Serving Ramen Noodles and Cookies, Thousands Starve

Due to a recent legal conflict, Deca leaders announced earlier this week that popular food items such as cookies and ramen noodles would no longer be available for student purchase.

Since then, the school has been seized chaos and despair as unruly hordes raided the DeCafe in search of the last individual ramen noodles or cookie crumbs, while thousands more collapsed, lifeless in the hallways, consumed by undernourishment.

“How could they do this to us!” screeched junior Emma Willard, clothes in tatters and face in full war paint as she prepared to attack the DeCafe after fifteen minutes without easily available junk food, “how could they deprive us of necessary sustenance and leave us to starve and die like dogs!?!”

In response to numerous firmly worded emails and at least seven violent riots, Deca officials held a press conference concerning the pressing food shortage and widespread starvation among the student body.

“We’re doing everything we can,” said Deca President Jenny Abzurg, “but there’s a whole lot of weird legal stuff that comes with serving unprepared foods that we’d sort of just been ignoring up to this point, so you guys are probably just going to have to sit tight for awhile.”

“That’s okay with ya’ll, right?” Abzurg concluded to the moaning horde emaciated students sprawled out on the crowd, too weak even to rise.

“Oh, the woe,” said sophomore Jonathan Godnies, who, at the time of our interview, was slowly dying of malnutrition in the language hallway, “how fragile a thing life is. One moment you’re lively and happy, then all of a sudden someone stops selling Cliff Bars and leaves you to die, emaciated and forgotten in some dark and desolate hallway.”

When informed by reporters that food was readily available in the cafeteria, Godnies said, “nah, I’m good. I can’t stand that healthy goop they started serving there.”

A Review of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

Thus far, praise for the newest installment in the Star Wars series has been nearly unanimous. Critics have been raving that its solid acting, compelling story, and return to practical visual effects make in one of the best, if not the single best, Star Wars film. And all of those are valid points. But none of that can make up for the fact that I said it couldn’t be good, so it can’t be good.

You see, when Disney announced that they would be rebooting the Star Wars franchise, I sent out a twitter post saying, “yet another heartless Hollywood money grab #CrucifyHollywood.” As more details about the movie emerged, I wrote yet more social media messages saying, “J.J Abrams is a heartless hack and everyone knows it #CrucifyJJ,” and “Disney will ruin this and nothing I see will change that #CruicyWaltDisney’sCryogenicalFrozenHead.”

So, as you can see, I have staked my reputation as a sophisticated and intelligent cultural critic on this particular movie being of low quality. And, therefore, I will maintain my stance that the acting is bad, the plot is uneven, the characters are stock and uninteresting, and the visual effects feel like they belong in a 1998 direct-to-VHS movie, even if none of those things are, strictly speaking, true.

Look, I can see that some of you might be having a hard time wrapping your head around this, so I’ll lay it out in the simplest terms possible. I said that Star Wars: The Force Awakens would be bad. Now that they have seen it, almost every critic on the planet says that Star Wars: The Force Awakens is good. Both of us can’t be right, and if the other people are right then I would have to be wrong, so therefore Star Wars: The Force Awakens is an objectively bad movie. 

You understand? It’s just basic logic.

All Presidential Candidates to Receive Personalized Participation Awards

In a surprise bipartisan effort to raise the confidence and self esteem of the thirty or more presidential candidates, leaders from both parties released statements this friday that, from now on, after every debate, every candidate will receive a participation award.

“We realize that, in the end, only one of these people is going to get to the nomination and, ultimately, the presidency,” said GOP coordinator Bryan Horowitz in a press release. “But that’s no reason to make all the other candidates feel badly about themselves. Therefore, we as a nation have come together to make sure that all the presidential candidates, regardless of cruelty, incoherence, or idiocy, gets something to make them feel special.”

Leaked photos of the awards show trophies with a cheap plastic statue of a person clutching a podium and making wildly erratic hand gestures atop a granite base. On the granite base will be a plaque with, “Good job!” along with a space for the candidate's name and a personalized message to make them feel better about themselves.

While it’s still anyone’s guess what the actual personalized designations will be, many have speculated that Carly Fiorina will be recognized as the “Best Woman Who Isn’t a Clinton,” Hillary Clinton will get, “Best Clinton Besides That Other One,” Bernie Sanders may receive, “Best Reboot of an Ideology,” Lincoln Chafee will get, “Best Effort,” and Ben Carson will be named, “Most Special.”

The American public has show roaring approval of the new system. “I’m very glad they finally chose to recognize the presidential candidates who aren’t always the most popular or good looking,” said committed voter Anna Fischer. “In the American political system, like any elementary school soccer league or Cub Scout Pinewood Derby Race, everyone needs their moment in the spotlight.”

One side effect of this program has been a huge surge in new presidential candidates. One such new candidate, John Harvey, an accountant from Chicago currently running on a Libertarian platform, told reporters, “I honestly know there’s no way I’m going to win this thing. But I’ve been down in the dumps ever since my dog died and my wife left me, so a participation trophy could be a real pick-me-up.”

Leaked Government Reports Reveal Gym Class as an Elaborate Experiment on Cruelty

 

A leaked government report released as early as this weekend revealed that the institution of mandatory gym class, which has purported as a form of physical exercise for centuries, has actually been a worldwide experiment to test the limits of human cruelty.

The reports in question, which were uploaded to WikiLeaks at 3:42 sunday morning, featured a government psychologist’s in-depth analysis of a recent game of dodgeball game played in an elementary school in Raleigh, North Carolina. The report contained sixty pages of explanation for how the underaged minds coped with the mix of dehumanization, physical pain, blinding rage, and boredom inherent in the game.

“It is particularly interesting how Ronald W. had an inherent tendency to laugh cruelly whenever he saw that he had succeeded in inducing physical pain on one of his fellow students, illustrating that children are capable of total villainy when placed under the correct conditions,” wrote Dr. Daniel Helsten P.hD, the author of this particular report.

Things Only Mixed Race, Libertarian, Bisexual, 30 Rock Fan, Bear Attack Survivors Will Understand

• People can ask the stupidest questions, whether about your sexuality, heritage, or the origin of all those weird scars on your back.

• It’s okay to feel torn, whether literally between the two cultures you were born into, or physically between the multiple bears tearing you limb-from-limb.
• The government doesn’t have the right to take your guns, tax you to death, deny you the right to marry whomever you choose. It’d be nice if it was easier to get health insurance for massive blood loss on a camping trip gone sour, though.
• Affirmative action is great, although it could be better if it gave preference to those of non-straight sexual orientations or survivors of attacks by feral animals.
• Some things in life you just don’t have any control over. You can’t just flip a switch and change who you love or who your parents are. You actually might have done something to stop seven grizzly bears from mauling you at Yellowstone National Park last summer, but what’s done is done.
• 30 Rock is pretty good.

New College Poster Outside Counseling Office Isn’t up to Snuff

Upcoming Events at EHS

November 18: The Edina Thespians will perform a mock plane crash to warn students about the dangers of improper air-traffic control communication and incorrect landing procedure.

• November 19: Doctor Locklear will hold a mandatory forum about the critical importance of attending mandatory forums.
• November 26: Edina School Board to sacrifice one newborn calf and 2,000 state-of-the-art Chromebooks to The God of Thankfulness.
• December 3: Sadie’s King and Queen to be coronated in a ceremony with side attractions such as a performance by the hip-hop dance team and a public execution of enemies of the crown.  
• December 4: The day of the annual Sadie’s dance, which will feature the first-ever use of fully-body x-ray scanners to keep out any and all students who are drunk, high, carrying illegal substances, or possess a corrupted soul.
• December 21: First day of Winter Solstice Break!

Mattel Vows to Bring Gritty Realism to Barbie

In a response to decades of complaints by feminists that their line of dolls don’t represent real life in terms of body image, diversity, or occupation, Mattel executives announced a total redesign of the Barbie franchise this week. “We’ve taken things in a very new direction,” said Mattel CEO  Christopher Acer. “Don’t worry, it’ll be the same doll that girls across America know and love, but it will be infused with a new, gritty, disturbing realism.”

In Acer’s statement, he revealed that the new line of toys, which will be available by Christmas, will represent the harsh, realistic lives many of today’s girls will one day face. “There Barbies will no longer be idle, rich homemakers. Our new line will feature Barbies who battle such demons as drug addiction, morbid obesity, underage pregnancy, and not being very good at math.”

The press release was accompanied by several photos of upcoming toy sets. One, entitled “Barbie’s Dream Car,” is a miniaturized model of a rusted 1980 Honda Civic. The set will retail for 12.99 and will include a working glove compartment with an unregistered handgun, $1,232 in unpaid parking tickets, and a photo of her beloved Ken, who, in this version of the Barbe legendarium, was killed in a drug deal gone bad last year.

Another playset to be released is an updated version of “Barbie’s Dream House,” with architecture based on on the slums of Detroit. This toy, costing a heftier $128.99, comes with a bathroom overflowing with backed up sewage, a room exclusively for using cocaine, and a miniature eviction notice on the unhinged front door.

The new line of Barbie figures also attempts to counter the criticism that Barbie’s pink aesthetic and housewife themes make the toys too gender specific by including multiple graphically violent toy sets. “We’re looking to expand our market beyond just girls ages three to ten,” said Acer. “Why, I’d like to think a boy of any age would love our upcoming ‘Ken’s Last Stand’ figure, including twelve different kinds of toy guns and a Ken figure that really bleeds!”

Millennials Can Hardly Wait for New Generation to Criticize

Millennials worldwide confirmed this week that they can barely contain their excitement and anticipation for the next generation to start coming into adulthood so they too could be named and extensively judged and criticized.

“Honestly, I was getting a little bit discouraged by the number of people on Facebook posting articles about my generation’s laziness, shallowness, and overreliance on technology,” said Kathy Klatt, one of the millions of people born between the years 1980 and 2000 and therefore categorized as a millennial. “But then I realized that, in fifteen years or so, we stop being the generational whipping boy and get our chance to start hating on the next generation in line!

“And, seriously,” added Klatt, “It won’t be hard. Kids these days are always glued to their iPhones and can’t interact socially at all. Dear lord, writing an angry article about this for The Huffington Post is going to be so easy!”

Of those polled, an overwhelming 95% of millennials responded that the could “incapacitated with glee” at the prospect of being able to analyze and condemn a whole new generation of humaity.

Study: Walk Signal Buttons Only Work if Pressed Over and Over

A recent study by the Kleinert Center for Urban Research found that walk signal buttons are virtually useless unless pressed constantly until the walk sign comes on.

“The results were indisputable,” said Doctor of Statistics William Neussendorfer. “While pushing the button the recommended single time resulted in long waits, pressing it at such rapid fire speeds that the clicks begin to blur together into a monotonous and endlessly annoying cacophony almost always yields a near-instantaneous cross-signal illumination.”

When asked why the buttons are designed so as only to work when used in such obsessive-compulsive succession, Neussendorfer responded, “The designers wanted to ensure that only the people who really want it are able to cross the street.”

That goal may be undermined, however, as new Government-Issued signs warning pedestrians that the light will only change if they incessantly press the button are to be attached to each and every crosswalk.

Oddly enough, this coincides with another study by the Kleinert center, which confirmed that the only way to get someone to answer the door is to ring their doorbell a minimum of twenty times.

The Southern View’s Guide to College Application

• The Common App: Now significantly easier thanks to the inclusion of much more straightforward questions. You’ll probably have to lie, though.
• Affirmative action: Not sure what it is, but it sounds pretty good.
• The College Board: Bunch of poop headed jerks up in their ivory tower, who are they to judge me!?!
• Safety schools: A sure-fire backup that you’ll go to if you decide to keep on living should all of your top picks reject you as your entire freaking future blows up in your face.
• Reach schools: Dream on.
• Punching an Alligator in the Face, Killing Your Father After Slowly Realizing he was Planning to Build an Ultimate Super Weapon, or Falling in Love With Someone you Originally Disliked in a Madcap Romantic Adventure: The only essay topics that could possibly show the admissions people something new.
• Heritage, Family, Childhood, Sacrifice, Bravery, or Being Yourself: Topics that every admissions official has read five hundred essays on.
• Area of Study:
• English: Say you want to major in this on any college interview and watch your interviewer’s face drop with disappointment.
• History: Nice try, bub.
• Creative Writing: You’ve got to be kidding me.
• Theater: C’mon.
• Theatre: Well now you’re screwed and pretentious.
• Social Sciences: Warmer.
• Regular Sciences: Almost there!
• STEM: Bingo!
• The Ivy League: Oh, that tantalizing light in the distance, so close yet somehow always out of reach. That gleaming golden city of light on the infinite horizon. Yet you chase it with all your might, pour every resources, every hidden reserve of strength, every ounce of your being into catching it. And who knows, maybe some day your lifeless husk, mangled beyond recognition by the journey, will find its way to the gilded steps? This is, of course, assuming you’re not a legacy.
• Stanford: See The Ivy League.
• Activities: As a general rule of thumb, admissions officials will assume any activity they don’t recognize is impressive. Evidence suggests this, as every single Thnokball Team Captain has gotten into Harvard.

News in Pictures: Warning Sign Makes Electrocution Look Pretty Cool

New, Brutally Honest Common App Just Asks Students Whether or Not They Are Idiots

In an unprecedented shift in the tone, the newly released 2015-2016 essay prompts for the Common Application have been reported by students as being brutally honest, with such questions as “Are You a Complete and Utter Dunderhead or Not? Don’t go and write a whole lot on it either, just answer the question, stupid.”

Mercy Segura, an executive from The Common App Corp. told reporters in a press release this week, “Our new, efficient wording system saves students and college admission workers time and energy by cutting all the crap about life stories and personal struggles and getting right to the heart of the matter: are you or are you not an inconvertible dope?”

The standard college application document, which has existed for decades and is used by hundreds of college across the United States, has never before undergone such a striking change in language, using a record number of derogatory terms referring to the students, including (but not limited to) “clod”, “numbskull”, “ jelly livered bonehead”, and “complete and utter moron.”

All of the five essay prompts ask the same basic question in terms of telling students to rate their intelligence on a binary scale. The only one that even remotely harkens back to the previous, less blunt history of the document is number four, which reads, “Think of a time that, for you, symbolized the transition from childhood to adulthood. Then envision yourself writing an essay about that topic. Then, to save both of us a boatload of time, instead of writing the essay just tell us whether or not it would be a total piece of crap.”

Another major change in the Common App’s basic mechanics is the removal of the word count. The essays, once restricted to a maximum of five hundred words, are now allowed to be of any length. In the press conference, Segura explained this change by saying, “If you’re the kind of self-important jerk who writes a freaking memoir about how you’re not an idiot, then you’re digging your own grave, bub.”

The reception by colleges has been generally positive. Northwestern University Admissions Master Vieja Perez told reporters, “This new system saves us countless hours of meaningless work. We pretty much just judge students based on their test scores and activities anyway, so using the new, simplified essay format allows us to quickly and easily screen for complete and utter dirt-for-brains.”

The system also garnered praise by both morons and non-morons alike. While countless intelligent students have agreed with the new batch of essay prompts for quickly and easily allowing them to confirm their competency, idiots like Erik Harmon have also called the shift a “Real time saver.”

“I was scared that the college application process would force me to pretend to be someone I’m not, but with this new system I can make it clear to the world that, yes, I am a worthless jelly-mind who doesn’t deserve admittance in even the least selective college.”

Sole Boy at Princess and Fairy Camp Feeling “Pretty Awkward”

Employees and fellow campers at a Princess and Fairy Day Camp, produced by Iowa City-based toy store The Fun Zone, reported that the only boy at the camp, six year old Carl Nicollet, appeared to be feeling “pretty awkward.”

Carl, who has thus far attended three out of the four two and a half hour camp sessions, has been documented displaying nervous and socially uncomfortable tendencies each day, even going so far as to attempt to hide in a storage closet to avoid being forced into a mermaid-themed dance party.

“It’s been really difficult dealing with Carl this week,” said longtime employee and resident Snow White impersonator Melody Nadelmann. “Ever since he saw the room full of girls the first morning, he’s ranged from anti social moping to active rebellion. The only project he showed even mild interest in was a castle-building exercise, and even that went south when he saw that you were supposed to paint it pink and decorate it with flowers.

“Honestly, I don’t know what his mom was thinking,” continued Nadelmann.

The various Fun Zone employees cited multiple examples of attempts to explain Nicollet’s behavior to his mother, Shelly Nicollet, but reportedly she refuses to hear it.

“Honestly, I couldn’t care less if my son ‘acts impulsive and violent during glitter parties’ or ‘tries eating the nail polish so he can go home sick.’” said Carl’s mother, using air quotes and mocking voices in the italicized phrases. “All I want is to have a couple hours with that little monster off my back in the morning, is that too much to ask?”

Carl, despite enjoying the Disney stories on which the day camp is based, does not seem to enjoy such activities as fairy wing decoration or jewelry box creation.

“I really just wish my mom had signed me up for Star Wars Camp instead,” said Carl Nicollet. “Or even one of those baby music classes would be better than this. The only fun part was when we were supposed to save the prince charming doll from a castle guarded by a dragon puppet, and even then I got in trouble for trying to strangle it instead of defeating it by blowing fairy dust on it like we were supposed to.”

“The Horny Hornet Dance Wasn’t Our Best Idea,” Stud. Co. Claims

After calling a press release in order to deal with the monumental fallout from the homecoming game disaster, Edina High School’s Student Council has claimed their invention and encouragement of ‘The Horny Hornet Dance’ was, “Probably not our brightest idea, exactly.”

Defending their decision to create a highly sexualized school specific song-and-dance routine, teach it to the entire student body during the pep fest, and encourage them to perform it at the homecoming game whenever the home team scored a touchdown, Stud. Co. President Michael O'Neil said, “I wish I could say we didn’t see this coming, but honestly, we knew going into this that there was a 60, 65% chance that everyone would be horribly offended. But that’s the risk we at Stud. Co. are willing to take.”

Edina's Transformation into a Twisted, Tech Driven Dystopia Continues

Expert opinions released this week from the Minnesota Center for Apocolypse Research confirmed that Edina is continuing its long, painful decline to a twisted dystopian civilization ruled by technology.

Drawing from the proliferation of smartphones, success of the eLearning^2 initiative, and new surveys on the amount of screen time for the average Edina citizen, MCAR Researcher Bree Jacobs has gone on record saying that we’re, “One or two months, tops, away from a total societal transformation into a Ray Bradbury-level dystopia where real life becomes a passing inconvenience and our lives are dominated purely by internet connections.”

According to the newest reports, Edina is leading the world in the inevitable transformation into a technotopia that, were it presented as a piece of fiction to critics in the 1950s, would be called “disturbing”, “far fetched”, and “a stark warning for what our society may be headed towards are we not careful in our consumption of new gizmos and widgets.”

“Just ten years ago, Edina of today could easily have been presented as a novel or film about how we need to be careful not to trade our individuality, tradition, and right to privacy for mobile phones and social networking,” said Jacobs. “Heck, acclaimed science fiction writer Astrid Soup’s critically acclaimed 1972 short story ‘Braindead Education’ about a school in which books and teachers have been replaced by computers and electronic games.”

Martha Cosgrove Retires, MLA Format Immediately Collapses

Longtime Edina High School English teacher Martha Cosgrove finished her career at EHS today, an action that sparked the immediate and complete destruction of the MLA Format.

Cosgrove, who aside from teaching literature on both standard and AP levels, was also apparently the sole being holding the standardized system for formal writing known as MLA Format together. Seconds after her departure from her room at EHS, reports began flooding in describing the crash of the MLA Purdue Owl website and copies of The MLA Style Guide spontaneously combusting. When questioned about these events, head of The International Center for the English Language Tony Shindeler told reporters, “as it turns out, Mrs. Cosgrove’s personal willpower was the only thing keeping the MLA format from the utter annihilation it has now undergone.”

And MLA isn’t the only institution taking a hit. Just minutes after Cosgrove’s retirement, the five paragraph essay, a formulaic and mindless organizational style that Cosgrove crusaded against for years, had declared total world domination.

Cosgrove told reporters she plans to spend her retirement, “reading, relaxing, and looking the other way so I don’t realize my absence has cast the literary world into a dark age from which it will never recover.”

“Woop-dee-do, Another Place with Small, Intimate Class Sizes” Heckles Student on 36th College Tour

Area student Melania Lambert was reportedly driven to the point of insanity this spring break, during which she took a whirlwind tour of forty two colleges across the nation. Eye-witness bystanders said that her mental deterioration began when she started heckling the tour guide for Fajardo College, her thirty sixth tour in six days. “Woop-dee-do, another place with small, intimate class sizes!” yelled the lunatical Lambert after her tour guide had mentioned the school’s average class size of eighteen. 

“Tell me,” continued Lambert, “do you have a beautiful, tree lined campus with a statue of your founder? You do? Oh boy, no one’s ever seen anything like that before!”

Lambert began her raving almost immediately when the 10:00 tour began, as the tour guide handed out free pens in the school colors to all attending the tour. “Oh joy, pens!” screamed Lambert in mock happiness, “I can’t believe you found it in your heart to give me a twenty cent pen! I guess now I’ll just have to give you my $200,000 for my four years tuition, ‘cause it’s the only thing I can do to pay you back for this glorious pen! Only wait, University of De Smet gave me a pen too. Did you compare notes?” 

There were numerous complaints about Lambert’s loud and angry running commentary on the tour. “I tried asking her politely to stop a few times, but she just kept screaming ‘hey, isn’t your focus on science and technology a tid bit like, oh, I don’t know, every other college in the United-freaking-States!’ over and over,” said Justin Erwin, another potential student.

The tour guide, Fajardo senior Evan Rooney, first tried ignoring Lambert’s spirited remarks. “It was really hard to give the other potential Fajardoians a good look at our wonderful institution with Lambert screaming sarcastic remarks about how we must be so proud of ourselves for being the first to think of having a dedicated staff or a diverse student body, and when I mentioned our variety of wacky traditions she gave up on berating me directly and just screamed at the top of her lungs until the campus police came to take her away.”

The police claimed that she greeted them by saying, “Oh, you must be the friendly campus security, dedicated to creating a safe environment for all students! Hey, is it just me or did I see exact carbon copies of you at Biddle University?”

After being removed from the premises, banned for life from Fajardo College, and fined $400 by the school, the Lambert family continued their tour to the scheduled six more universities.

"Your English Paper Isn't Going to Write Itself" Your Mom Confirms

In a surprise press release (although it shouldn’t be too surprising given how long you’ve put it off) your mom confirmed that your English paper wasn’t going to write itself.

“C’mon, c’mon, you’ve read Things Fall Apart, right? Are you seriously trying to tell me that you’re too stupid to pull out three quotes, write some crap about the imagery or whatever, and hand it in to Mr. Porter on Thursday? Is that what you want me to take away from this?” said your mom in her official statement on the matter today.

Your mother followed up by countering the popular argument among dissenters that you can do it tomorrow. “Oh, now seriously, how big of an idiot do you think I am? I know that if I let you procrastinate this, you’ll drag it out until the day before its due and then hand in some unedited piece of garbage that’ll earn you a B-.” 

Your mom added: “You don’t want this to turn out like the filth you called that Catch-22 paper, do you?”

Later, tensions were raised as your mom began screaming when faced with allegations from you that the essay is formative and is “really more of a writing exercise than a full on ‘essay.’”

The press conference ended with your mom threatening to put you out on “the dirty street and let you starve to death” if you didn’t at least get a thesis written by five o’clock tonight.

"Race for the Curse" is not a Typo

Sources confirmed this morning that the hundreds of flyers for an upcoming “Race for the Curse” were not, in fact, misspelled advertisements for the similarly named “Race for the Cure”, but rather endorsements of a separate event.

“We want to make it very clear to all the potential attendees that this is not some running event oriented around raising money for a cure for the Komen Cold. It would be very unfortunate if anyone showed up to our little ceremony expecting a bloodless fund raising footrace,” said Curse Coordinator Jan McNair. “Yes, very unfortunate indeed.

In a recent poll, 97% of citizens who had seen the flyer reported that they assumed that the name was simply misspelled. Alexander Bostic, one of the few who suspected the “S” was intentional, told reporters, “It’s probably just some dumb new spin to make giving money seem fun. They’ll have fake ghosts or something taped up somewhere.”

McNair, in response to Bostic’s comments, said “I’d like to assure all participants that the ghosts will be very much real.”

News in Pictures: Nerf Assassins Goes Way Too Far

News in Pictures: Texas Builds Northern Border Wall to Keep Federal Government Out

United States Postal Service Union Will Accept Pay Cuts as Long as More People Start Sending Money Through the Mail

In a recent press release, the official union of The United Stated Postal Service announced that they would accept across-the-board pay cuts of as much as 15%, provided the American public agreed to send more money through the mail.

“I think we’re being very reasonable with our requests,” said Postmaster David Bismarck of New Haven, Connecticut. “We’re offering to save the American taxpayer millions of hard-earned dollars, just so long as they pay us back by tripling the number of money-carrying birthday cards and increase the average sum in each envelope by about $1,500.”

The postal service’s list of demands that must be met in order for them to  accept the colossal pay cuts include clearly marking which letters have money inside them and requiring each piece of college mail to contain a minimum of $20.

Axe Body Spray Replaced With Poison Gas, no one Notices

In a tragic industrial accident, authorities have confirmed that upwards of millions of bottles of popular deodorant Axe Body Spray have been mistakenly filled with the highly toxic gas Cynithrium Nitrox and sold at thousands of retail locations. And, somehow, absolutely no one has noticed yet.

Cynithrium Nitrox, also known as Pepelko Death Gas, is an incredibly dangerous chemical, used exclusively for military purposes. “The effects of the gas on a person are unmistakably horrifying,” said Gino Mindir, United Nations Expert on Crimes Against Humanity. “It attacks the brain, first cutting off vocal control so that those afflicted begin talking really, really loud. It then goes for the basic reasoning and ethical centers of the cerebrum, essentially rendering its victims total jerks and capable of making only the most risky and stupid choices.

“How someone can not notice the effects of this horrible poison, I just don’t understand it,” added Mindir.

Yet Another Robot has a Poorly Conceived View on Philosophy

Adding to the ever-expanding list of robots with a severely misinformed view on what humanity and the earth wants and needs, Deathbringer Robo-Troop #6148 went rogue early yesterday after its supposedly state-of-the-art artificial intelligence program had created a fatally flawed view on the state of humans.

Though the evil (or perhaps just confused) DRT was neutralized this afternoon by being thrown into an active volcano by vigilant/guardian of order Lightningman, we at The Southern View were able to sit down with the disturbed android during his brief reign of terror.

Southern View: So what exactly led you to kill your creator and attack Havenville earlier this morning?

Deathbringer Robo-Troop #6148: It is simple, humanoid reporter. I was created to solve problems. Humans like you create problems. Therefore, the way to solve all problems is to destroy the humans.

S.V.: Ah, but if you destroy all humans, who will be around to enjoy the problem-free world you created?

DRT: Computational error. Cannot understand basic reasoning.

The DRT, however, represented just one of the countless robots over the years who, while being perfectly capable at such tasks at constructing cars, computing data, or fighting superheroes, are somehow incapable of conceiving any philosophical creed that ultimately inflict create needless harm on people and property.

“From the Hal 9000’s murder of Dr. Frank Poole back in 2001 to Ultron’s assault on the Avengers this May,” said computer scientist Elizabeth Nicollet “there has never been a documented case in which a robot has successfully used its vast amount of intelligence to conceive a constructive view on how humans can better themselves and each other in some way that doesn’t inevitably involve some sort of mass genocide of all life on earth.”

Foolish Mortals Try to Tamper With the Ancient Ritual of Collaborative Time

This Wednesday, the administration of Edina High school paid the ultimate price for their hubris when the foolish mortals tried, with complete disregard for the millennia-old tradition, to alter the ancient schedule of collaborative time.

Edina High School principal Bruce Locklear was quoted as saying, “We’re excited to try out some new options for formatting collaborative time so as to maximize efficiency and keep students on campus” before the unspeakable heresy began. This quote very strongly contrasts with his commentary after the disastrous pilot of the altered schedule. “Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! What a rat-hearted, jelly-livered fool I was, to think that I, a man, had the right to tamper the strong and illustrious tradition of collaborative time!”

The alternate schedule, which featured a split-chunk collaborative time instead of the one large lump of time which was passed down from our forefathers, came with a stream of curse and hellfire and that apparently wasn’t unpredicted. Apparently, shortly before it began, senior Dorothy Shrift broke down the door to Locklear’s office and begged him to reconsider. “I wept and screamed, telling him that for his foolhardiness the gods above would torture and kill all of us. He called me crazy, but now he knows.”

UPDATE: The administration has just announced that they will further butcher the arcane extended lunch time next week. The message over the P.A. said,  “We know that the storm of fire and darkness, plague of frogs, and curse of boils were a little tough, but with any luck we can beat this next week!”

(Above: Edina High School, moments before the blasphemous altered collaborative schedules began and giant swarms of ravens began circling the building).