Thus far, praise for the newest installment in the Star Wars series has been nearly unanimous. Critics have been raving that its solid acting, compelling story, and return to practical visual effects make in one of the best, if not the single best, Star Wars film. And all of those are valid points. But none of that can make up for the fact that I said it couldn’t be good, so it can’t be good.
You see, when Disney announced that they would be rebooting the Star Wars franchise, I sent out a twitter post saying, “yet another heartless Hollywood money grab #CrucifyHollywood.” As more details about the movie emerged, I wrote yet more social media messages saying, “J.J Abrams is a heartless hack and everyone knows it #CrucifyJJ,” and “Disney will ruin this and nothing I see will change that #CruicyWaltDisney’sCryogenicalFrozenHead.”
So, as you can see, I have staked my reputation as a sophisticated and intelligent cultural critic on this particular movie being of low quality. And, therefore, I will maintain my stance that the acting is bad, the plot is uneven, the characters are stock and uninteresting, and the visual effects feel like they belong in a 1998 direct-to-VHS movie, even if none of those things are, strictly speaking, true.
Look, I can see that some of you might be having a hard time wrapping your head around this, so I’ll lay it out in the simplest terms possible. I said that Star Wars: The Force Awakens would be bad. Now that they have seen it, almost every critic on the planet says that Star Wars: The Force Awakens is good. Both of us can’t be right, and if the other people are right then I would have to be wrong, so therefore Star Wars: The Force Awakens is an objectively bad movie.
You understand? It’s just basic logic.
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