All Presidential Candidates to Receive Personalized Participation Awards

In a surprise bipartisan effort to raise the confidence and self esteem of the thirty or more presidential candidates, leaders from both parties released statements this friday that, from now on, after every debate, every candidate will receive a participation award.

“We realize that, in the end, only one of these people is going to get to the nomination and, ultimately, the presidency,” said GOP coordinator Bryan Horowitz in a press release. “But that’s no reason to make all the other candidates feel badly about themselves. Therefore, we as a nation have come together to make sure that all the presidential candidates, regardless of cruelty, incoherence, or idiocy, gets something to make them feel special.”

Leaked photos of the awards show trophies with a cheap plastic statue of a person clutching a podium and making wildly erratic hand gestures atop a granite base. On the granite base will be a plaque with, “Good job!” along with a space for the candidate's name and a personalized message to make them feel better about themselves.

While it’s still anyone’s guess what the actual personalized designations will be, many have speculated that Carly Fiorina will be recognized as the “Best Woman Who Isn’t a Clinton,” Hillary Clinton will get, “Best Clinton Besides That Other One,” Bernie Sanders may receive, “Best Reboot of an Ideology,” Lincoln Chafee will get, “Best Effort,” and Ben Carson will be named, “Most Special.”

The American public has show roaring approval of the new system. “I’m very glad they finally chose to recognize the presidential candidates who aren’t always the most popular or good looking,” said committed voter Anna Fischer. “In the American political system, like any elementary school soccer league or Cub Scout Pinewood Derby Race, everyone needs their moment in the spotlight.”

One side effect of this program has been a huge surge in new presidential candidates. One such new candidate, John Harvey, an accountant from Chicago currently running on a Libertarian platform, told reporters, “I honestly know there’s no way I’m going to win this thing. But I’ve been down in the dumps ever since my dog died and my wife left me, so a participation trophy could be a real pick-me-up.”