Area man wishes someone "Happy Tuesday"

In an unprecedented breaching of basic human logic, area man Paul Kathin actually uttered the words “Happy Tuesday” to neighbor Gareth Larson.

“It was so strange!” recounted Larson to a crowd of his friends and loved ones who flocked to him to hear of the whimsical and absurd experience. “I walked by when he was mowing his lawn. I said hi. Then he turned around and said ‘Happy Tuesday’! I tried to stay calm on the inside, but my head was flooding with questions. Why had he told me happy Tuesday? Was this Tuesday anything special? Or was today some bizarre holiday that I hadn’t heard of before?”

Experts confirmed that, while the day in question was in fact Tuesday, there was no reason in particular to celebrate it. In fact, studies indicate that Kathin would have been less likely to celebrate that day than any other day, as he had 32% more work that the previous day and had recently gotten in an argument with his wife.”

“Maybe he’s one of those optimistic guys who always tries to stay positive. I sure hope not. Wow, I can’t believe that I’ve been living next door to a weirdo like this for almost a decade.”

4 Movies with HUGE plotholes

It doesn’t take a genius to know that they don’t teach math, science, logic, or really anything other than making movies in film school. Even the most beloved films are actually based around plots that anyone could tell you MAKE NO SENSE! 

1. The Toy Story Trilogy: Everyone knows the classic tale of Woody, Buzz, and the gang. One of the most critically acclaimed and commercially successful kids film series of all time, what’s not to love? Well, for one thing, the fact that it could never happen in real life! The guys over at pixar might not have figured it out yet, but toys simply don’t come to life. It’s true! To prove this, we used hidden cameras to film a box full of toys for literally thousands of hours. And after looking through that footage, none of it gave firm evidence that toys were sentient or even alive. Maybe John Lasseter and the rest of his dim-witted animators should spend less time on plot and visual and more on scientific research.

2. The Princess Bride: A cult classic, many people only see the candy coated fantasy portrayed rather than the logical reality. The movie is sprinkled with magic and other clearly fictitious concepts, but the real kicker comes near the climax when Buttercup’s love of Weasley brings him back to life. Despite thousand of attempts, true love has never brought any human heart beating again, nor has it ever actually had any positive effects for that matter.

3. The Hunger Games: Many fans around the world praised the movie and book series as a stunning satire of American society, oblivious to the obvious fact that it could never actually happen. Obviously Susan Collins never took a fifth-grade level government class, or she would know that this futuristic America of hers could never take place. For one thing, the government sanctioned death-fights of the Hunger Games are clearly in violation of the 8th amendment. Not to mention that President Snow would have long ago had to retire with the mandated cap of 2 presidential terms.

4. Gravity: Here’s a message for Alfonso Cuaron: It’s not the 1960s anymore. Had he spent less time bloating his movie with over-the-top graphics and more time researching his subjects, he’d know that space travel has been proven impossible. The so-called “Moon landing” of 1969 was exposed as a hoax years ago. All manned spacecrafts have been blasted down by Zeus's lightning, for the king of the gods does not trust mortal to enter the heavens. Seriously, Hollywood, get a clue.

Driver's Ed study guide

Ambulances: Can speed and go through red lights whenever they want. Lucky jerks!

Stop lights

-Green Light: Means that you can go, something you learned at the age of four, which is pretty strange if you think about it. The only place you could use that knowledge at that age would be Uruguay.

-Yellow Light: If you encounter one of these you should stop, unless you need to be somewhere right now and can floor the gas.

-Red Light: Traffic would go 95% faster were these eliminated.

-Blue Light: Used by the Japanese instead of green lights. Weirdos.

-Orange Lights: Replaced all other lights to celebrate halloween in the town of Austin, Texas, in the year 1987. This confused many drivers and the ensuing car crashes and overall fear put everyone in the halloween spirit!

Brown Sign: Indicates a historical marker or recreation area nearby. This doesn’t seem like the important life-or-death info you should be learning in driver’s ed, does it?

Stop Signs: Purely optional.

Hydroplaning: Not sure what this is, exactly, but it sure sounds fun.

Distracted driving: A dangerous tendency, especially among young drivers, which causes crashes every day and blah blah blah blah blah blah just use your best judgement and you’ll be fine.

Seat belts: Useful little devices that are supposed to do something or other, although I forgot what exactly. I hope this doesn’t come up on the test.

Learner’s Permit: Seems great until you realize that you can only drive if your mom rides along.

Cyclists: Have the same rights as cars, despite being a bunch of entitled, snobby elitists who can’t help but rub it in that they’re in better shape than you.

HOV lane: A special lane designated for… Hovercrafts?

If you get into an accident: The best course of action is usually to panic, begin hyperventilating and maybe sweat profusely. Next, blabber incoherently to yourself for a moment and run off screaming into the night.

Exemplary Permit: A special license given only to straight-A students, allowing them the same rights as ambulance drivers.

"Little Free Libraries" revealed as communist recruitment stations!

In a shocking turn of events, the “Little Free Libraries” which have been popping up all over town have been revealed to be communistic entities used to entice unsuspecting citizens into communism! While police are yet to apprehend the mysterious installers of these anti-American boxes of extremist marxism, authorities are urging all law-abiding persons to stay as far away from the boxes of as possible.

“To many they seem innocuous at first. Put a book in, take a book out, don’t pay a dime for any of it. Right? Wrong!” said Police Chief Wienstiech in a press conference. “What these ‘Little Free Libraries’ are doing is dispensing literature and information to the impoverished masses. This practice of educating people regardless of economic class is in fact a policy advocated by such violent revolutionaries as Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, and Thomas Jefferson.”

Who installs these cubes of communism, which have popped up in the yards of dozens of Edina residents? While it is yet to be confirmed, sources have suggested that ex-soviet radicals have been living among us, tempting us with the forbidden fruit of shared wealth. “I never would have suspected that the ‘Free Little Libraries’ were communist,” said one area woman Andrea Kimblour. “Why, one appeared in my neighbor's lawn just last week! I wonder if they’re communists.”

But what of the actual books inside the accursed boxes? Expert research and state-of-the-art equipment has revealed that the novels and nonfiction residing within the “Little Free Libraries” often have communistic overtones. Dozens features protagonists, wrongly hailed as “heroes”, who save innocent citizens from danger without collecting money for their services. Others refer to (or even are written by citizens of) the continents of Europe, South America, Asia, and Australia. All of these have shown sympathies toward  communism or its deceptive cousin, socialism.

“There is only one true path,” said Police Chief Wienstiech, “Every red-blooded American should take up a torch in their left hand, a board with a nail in it in their right, and smash and burn every last of these havens of communism. And don’t stop at the ‘Free Little Libraries’ either. Schools, regular libraries, fire stations, churches, all of these meddle with the economy by providing goods or services to the proletariat. All of them must burn.”

Construction themed gangs continue tagging roadways

This summer has seen an estimated 20% rise in graffiti on streets by the warring infrastructure-oriented criminal syndicates throughout Edina. Most notably, the “Gas main here” and “Squiggly orange arrow” groups have been involved in increasingly violent turf war for the area around Pamela Park.

“These gangs are hardened criminals and will be prosecuted harshly should we find them,” said Police Commissioner Glorbon. “Just look at their blatant disregard for personal property! They spray-paint public roads and sometimes even private lawns and driveways with gang signs such as purple Xs and dotted yellow lines. Despicable behavior, I must say.”

In a poll of Edina citizens, 81% said that they were unhappy with the fact that their streets were being vandalized by construction-themed gangs. Of the remaining 19%, 11% had no opinion and 8% actually sympathized with the illegal organizations.

Erik Flender is part of that 8%. An Edina High School sophomore, he says that he looks up to the gang members. “Those guys are don’t care what people think about them, they spray paint ‘water pipe below’ wherever they want,” said Flender.

When asked if he was part of any of the gangs, he said “Nah. To join you have to tag a major street with ‘dig here’ in big letters. If my folks caught me doing that, they’d kill me.”