Driver's Ed study guide

Ambulances: Can speed and go through red lights whenever they want. Lucky jerks!

Stop lights

-Green Light: Means that you can go, something you learned at the age of four, which is pretty strange if you think about it. The only place you could use that knowledge at that age would be Uruguay.

-Yellow Light: If you encounter one of these you should stop, unless you need to be somewhere right now and can floor the gas.

-Red Light: Traffic would go 95% faster were these eliminated.

-Blue Light: Used by the Japanese instead of green lights. Weirdos.

-Orange Lights: Replaced all other lights to celebrate halloween in the town of Austin, Texas, in the year 1987. This confused many drivers and the ensuing car crashes and overall fear put everyone in the halloween spirit!

Brown Sign: Indicates a historical marker or recreation area nearby. This doesn’t seem like the important life-or-death info you should be learning in driver’s ed, does it?

Stop Signs: Purely optional.

Hydroplaning: Not sure what this is, exactly, but it sure sounds fun.

Distracted driving: A dangerous tendency, especially among young drivers, which causes crashes every day and blah blah blah blah blah blah just use your best judgement and you’ll be fine.

Seat belts: Useful little devices that are supposed to do something or other, although I forgot what exactly. I hope this doesn’t come up on the test.

Learner’s Permit: Seems great until you realize that you can only drive if your mom rides along.

Cyclists: Have the same rights as cars, despite being a bunch of entitled, snobby elitists who can’t help but rub it in that they’re in better shape than you.

HOV lane: A special lane designated for… Hovercrafts?

If you get into an accident: The best course of action is usually to panic, begin hyperventilating and maybe sweat profusely. Next, blabber incoherently to yourself for a moment and run off screaming into the night.

Exemplary Permit: A special license given only to straight-A students, allowing them the same rights as ambulance drivers.