"Little Free Libraries" revealed as communist recruitment stations!

In a shocking turn of events, the “Little Free Libraries” which have been popping up all over town have been revealed to be communistic entities used to entice unsuspecting citizens into communism! While police are yet to apprehend the mysterious installers of these anti-American boxes of extremist marxism, authorities are urging all law-abiding persons to stay as far away from the boxes of as possible.

“To many they seem innocuous at first. Put a book in, take a book out, don’t pay a dime for any of it. Right? Wrong!” said Police Chief Wienstiech in a press conference. “What these ‘Little Free Libraries’ are doing is dispensing literature and information to the impoverished masses. This practice of educating people regardless of economic class is in fact a policy advocated by such violent revolutionaries as Vladimir Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao, and Thomas Jefferson.”

Who installs these cubes of communism, which have popped up in the yards of dozens of Edina residents? While it is yet to be confirmed, sources have suggested that ex-soviet radicals have been living among us, tempting us with the forbidden fruit of shared wealth. “I never would have suspected that the ‘Free Little Libraries’ were communist,” said one area woman Andrea Kimblour. “Why, one appeared in my neighbor's lawn just last week! I wonder if they’re communists.”

But what of the actual books inside the accursed boxes? Expert research and state-of-the-art equipment has revealed that the novels and nonfiction residing within the “Little Free Libraries” often have communistic overtones. Dozens features protagonists, wrongly hailed as “heroes”, who save innocent citizens from danger without collecting money for their services. Others refer to (or even are written by citizens of) the continents of Europe, South America, Asia, and Australia. All of these have shown sympathies toward  communism or its deceptive cousin, socialism.

“There is only one true path,” said Police Chief Wienstiech, “Every red-blooded American should take up a torch in their left hand, a board with a nail in it in their right, and smash and burn every last of these havens of communism. And don’t stop at the ‘Free Little Libraries’ either. Schools, regular libraries, fire stations, churches, all of these meddle with the economy by providing goods or services to the proletariat. All of them must burn.”