In an unprecedented shift in the tone, the newly released 2015-2016 essay prompts for the Common Application have been reported by students as being brutally honest, with such questions as “Are You a Complete and Utter Dunderhead or Not? Don’t go and write a whole lot on it either, just answer the question, stupid.”
Mercy Segura, an executive from The Common App Corp. told reporters in a press release this week, “Our new, efficient wording system saves students and college admission workers time and energy by cutting all the crap about life stories and personal struggles and getting right to the heart of the matter: are you or are you not an inconvertible dope?”
The standard college application document, which has existed for decades and is used by hundreds of college across the United States, has never before undergone such a striking change in language, using a record number of derogatory terms referring to the students, including (but not limited to) “clod”, “numbskull”, “ jelly livered bonehead”, and “complete and utter moron.”
All of the five essay prompts ask the same basic question in terms of telling students to rate their intelligence on a binary scale. The only one that even remotely harkens back to the previous, less blunt history of the document is number four, which reads, “Think of a time that, for you, symbolized the transition from childhood to adulthood. Then envision yourself writing an essay about that topic. Then, to save both of us a boatload of time, instead of writing the essay just tell us whether or not it would be a total piece of crap.”
Another major change in the Common App’s basic mechanics is the removal of the word count. The essays, once restricted to a maximum of five hundred words, are now allowed to be of any length. In the press conference, Segura explained this change by saying, “If you’re the kind of self-important jerk who writes a freaking memoir about how you’re not an idiot, then you’re digging your own grave, bub.”
The reception by colleges has been generally positive. Northwestern University Admissions Master Vieja Perez told reporters, “This new system saves us countless hours of meaningless work. We pretty much just judge students based on their test scores and activities anyway, so using the new, simplified essay format allows us to quickly and easily screen for complete and utter dirt-for-brains.”
The system also garnered praise by both morons and non-morons alike. While countless intelligent students have agreed with the new batch of essay prompts for quickly and easily allowing them to confirm their competency, idiots like Erik Harmon have also called the shift a “Real time saver.”
“I was scared that the college application process would force me to pretend to be someone I’m not, but with this new system I can make it clear to the world that, yes, I am a worthless jelly-mind who doesn’t deserve admittance in even the least selective college.”
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