U.S. military strikes, demands 1 good pro-war book**

In an unprecedented unified action last Wednesday, the United States Military began a prolonged, organized strike. Although initially the strike’s planners were open to compromise with management for increased pay and shorter working hours, the military bureaucrats and soldiers are now demanding that at least one well written novel be written in support of each and every one of the U.S. military’s actions in years both past and recent.

The strike, which has spread to all five branches of the army and troops stationed everywhere from San Diego to Iran, has lost the United States Government at least three billion dollars so far. In a press conference two days ago, President Barack Obama told reporters, “I would like the American public to know that I am steadfastly committed to getting our soldiers back to work as soon as possible. If there is an aspiring writer out there who can whip out maybe 400 pages of realistic fiction with strongly patriotic themes in the next two days, hear this, your country needs you.”

As soon as the strike began to gain steam, organizer and lauded general Kevin Helmsman released the exact requirements of the theoretical pro-army piece of literature. According to Gen. Helmsman’s document, the book must “Feature a racially diverse group of soldiers (With maybe a woman thrown in there somewhere) who defeat a clear-cut villain and save a lot of innocent people as part of a recent military operation in a country that we actually invaded.”

Gen. Helmsman continued, “And, while this is really up to whoever ends up writing it, it would be really nice if the main bad guy ends up getting killed by a drone. Also, while themes such as death and man’s inhumanity towards man can be major themes in the novel, it should be clearly established that they are not the fault of the U.S. military. We’re willing to compromise though. Pretty much anything but another Catch-22 or Slaughterhouse 5 is okay.”

Some experts have warned that this might prompt other groups who feel villainized in works of fiction such as clowns, gangsters and mad scientists to join in a counterpart strike. “We could potentially see our weapons, drug-smuggling, mad science and clown-related entertainment industries take a nose dive if this gets out of hand,” said analyst Sarah Mindel.

“Honestly, their demands are quite reasonable,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, “All they want is a book that asks deep, existential questions about the nature of humanity and features complex characters that also portrays the U.S. as a one-sided force for good throughout the entire world.”