eLearning2 initiative nears completion

In a surprising press release this week, sources within Edina confirmed that the E-Learning squared initiative would continue to grow in power. An article on edinaschools.org entitled “School Board approves eLearning2 expansion plan” said “After months of planning, advocating and forcibly silencing all opponents, the School Board has given Edina Public Schools Digital Media & Technology Services (DMTS) the green light to expand the district’s eLearning2 program into an invasion of all aspects of the lives of all Edina citizens.”

The initiative, beginning in January of last year, has already expanded its borders beyond the simple ideas of its inception. “When we started out, it was just a simple plan to give middle schoolers laptops and eventually overthrow the government. From there, we have grown to help students in elementary schools get computers, hire helpers to fix problems with these computers, and installed mind-controlling chips into the brains of each and every student grades 5-12,” said Director of Media and Technology Steve Buettner.

While the vote for the expansion was voted for unanimously by the school board, sources say that it wasn’t easy for eLearning2 to achieve its overwhelming popular vote. “When I first came up with the idea to put a personal computer, along with a tiny evil eLearning-bot, in the book bag of every Edina student there were many who stood against me. Naysayers said that it was too expensive or it would distract students from learning or it was simply another step in my immortal quest to conquer the world. But through community support and violent repression of all my enemies I have achieved my goal, and none can now stand in my way!” said Buettner.

Although an outline presented to the school board for the initiative’s completion included expanding price cuts on laptops to elementary and high schools and building a giant green and white robot with laser-beam eyes to destroy Eden Prairie, at press time Buettner couldn’t be reached for elaboration on these vague propositions as he was battling his genetically modified super soldier arch-nemesis atop a flying aircraft carrier hovering over Pamela Park.