People having trouble finding fault with Pope Francis I's excommunication of mobsters

“Huh,” remarked area man and skeptic Mark Grijneck, “I can’t say that he is hurting the economy since pretty much everyone agrees that drug trafficking and extortion shouldn’t be part of the economy anyways. I can’t say that he’s needlessly using resources since he isn’t trying to hunt down mobsters, only undermine their credibility.

“The worst I can call this is a publicity stunt, and that’s a pretty big stretch on it’s own. Wow. I guess I can’t find fault with something a public figure has done. This is weird. It’s never happened before.

These were sentiments expressed by many as people around the world found themselves surprised that they were in no way able to criticize Pope Francis I’s decision last week to excommunicate all catholics involved in the mob from the church.

“I can usually find some tedious detail to get all riled up about whenever an authority figure does something,” said another skeptic, this one a professor of Law at Dartmouth college by the name of Hannah Sindlint, “But this time I’m stumped. The only perspective I can think from that could possibly find this a bad move is that of a mobster, and that doesn’t do me any good now, does it?”

“I can’t call it a wishy-washy use of the power of excommunication,” said area man Michael Paulson, referring to the power of the catholic church to expel any of its members at any time. “If anything, it’s the most legitimate use of it in the church’s two thousand year history. I must say, this guy really has my number. He must have been planning this for years, working it from all angles to make sure I couldn’t mock him for doing it. What a jerk.”

At press time, Paulson amended his previous statement. “No wait, I think I can find a problem with it. Mob bosses have families too, right? No, that’s no good.”

Ask an intern

This summer, The Southern View was privileged to add an unpaid intern to our proud, talented writing staff. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a useless entitled brat with no work ethic who’ll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. So, in order to reeducate him and teach him some manners, we’ve instructed him to answer all the uncomfortable letters that you readers have sent in over the years.

---

Q: Hi, I’m looking for some relationship advice. I’ve had problems with love before, mostly because I end up obsessing over my crush and get arrested for stalking.

A: Listen, maybe you should try talking to the person you find yourself attracted to rather than doing whatever it was that got you arrested.

---

Q: Hello, do you know where in town I could find myself a V-83 High Suspension Electronic Conductive Wire? I’ve checked all the hardware stores in town and none of them carry it.

A: I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what that is. Maybe instead of writing into a newspaper to try to get advice about this stuff you should look it up on the internet. John, how much longer do I have to do this?

---

Q: Hey, idiots! I wrote you a very specific letter two months ago about my relationship problems and you never wrote me back! Well, guess what, I got arrested for stalking and public nudity last week and I told the cops that it’s all your fault!

A: I’m sorry, I wasn’t the one who didn’t answer that letter. Please, stop stalking people. It obviously is just getting you in trouble. John, I’m getting pretty uncomfortable doing these. Isn’t there anything else I should be doing right now?

---

Q: I have observed that Americans as a whole have a disturbing habit of demonizing the institution of slavery. Everyone seems to forget that so much of this country that we take for granted was built by slaves, at the command of their masters, and that the progress was abruptly halted by The War of Northern Aggression. I would like to kindly ask you to print an opinion piece sympathizing with my views.

A: Good God! John, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Just please, please don’t make me respond to any more of these. I don’t think that I can take it any more. I’ll write you a song! I’ll dance for you! You can have my jar of change and assorted nails! Anything!!

10 things they won't teach you in school (But should!)

1). The best things in life are free.

2). People are always nicer than they seem.

3) You should live each day like it’s your last.

4). Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present.

5). You are below us.

6). You only get one life so it’s best to make it count.

7). We are above you.

8). Failure isn’t losing your way, failure is letting yourself stay lost.

9). There is no problem in the world that true love can’t solve.

10). We are kings and queens and you are our single subject.

11). It takes more muscles to frown than to smile :)

12). It’s never too late for now!

13). Everyone you have ever known has pitied you.

14). Everyone you have ever loved has toyed with you.

15). Everyone you have ever tried to help has looked down on you.

16). You cannot begin to conceive what we truly are.

17). You are unique in your utter insignificance.

18). When everything goes wrong, things can only get better!

19). You are living in a world populated by gods. We are eternal and all powerful and super intelligent. You are alone in your humanity and mortality and ignorance of the true nature of things. We have hidden all this from you and pretended to be like you. We have done this partially to protect you, partially to study you so that we can avoid any accidents like you from ever occurring again. You are to us as a speck of dust is to a million mighty suns.

20). Life is good.

Fashion with Francine

Q. Dear Francis, I really want to get back into the dating game this summer. However, I have a lot going on and won’t have time to get any special outfit ready each morning. How can I stay fashionable?

A.Oh, you poor deary, I suppose you don’t know Francis’s Golden Rule of Summer Fashion, do you? Oh well, it’s an old family secret but I’ll let you in on it! Here’s what you do, near the start of the summer, break a limb! It works every single time. Get into a bike accident or fall out of a car while its still moving, then take a trip to the doctor and- voila- you have a cast, the perfect accessory to stay with you all summer long! And the best part is, you don’t even have to take the time to get it on in the morning. Soon, all those cuties you want won’t be saying “Who’s that loser who didn’t have time to get ready this morning?” No, they’ll be saying “Who’s that hottie with the very sexy cast?”

---

Q. Dear Francis, I want to look good this summer, but recently I fell down a ravine and now am covered with scratches and bruises. What can I do to mask my injuries?

A. You want to mask your injuries? Oh, now, that won’t do at all. It’s like I always say, the worst thing you can do with a scar is cover it up! Everyone, whether they’re boys or girls, young or old, Swedish or Brazilian, think that mutilations look magnificent! In fact, my advice is that you should pick at the scabs so they stay open as long as possible. They might even get infected!

---

Q. Dear Francis, swimsuit season is coming up and I’d like some general advice on how to look good.

A. Well now, honey, the worst thing you can do is look the same as everyone else. And the sad truth is that when most of your skin is showing, everyone looks just about the same. Now, if you already have green-tinged skin or super long fingernails or something else to make you stand out from the crowd, you’ll make a big splash no matter how you prepare. But if you’re a normal person like me, you might have to go out of your way to customize your flesh. Now, what I usually do is hang out by a nuclear power plant until you get webbed hands or a third eye, but that’s becoming so common these days that its almost a cliche in the fashion world. Maybe you could catch one of those Plagues of Boils that hasn’t come around in a while.

Year in Review

The 2013-2014 school year at Edina High School was undoubtedly a very interesting one, with wide-reaching events such as the creation of collaborative Wednesday, the expansion of eLearning2, and the rise in power of the great and terrible dragon Hergasthaw. So, while the Southern View does not normally do year-long news recaps, the writers and editors felt that it was necessary to make an effort to report on the year that future generations very well may call “The year of technological innovation”, “The golden age of excellence in education” or “The beginning of the thousand years of darkness”!

The first quarter was a time for change in EHS, as an incoming class of bright-faced sophomores got used to the new school. A new experimental schedule, collaborative Wednesday, gave teachers and students more time to work together to strive for academic achievement. Edina celebrated its second year in a row winning the homecoming game, and homecoming weekend was made extra special with EHS welcoming its first ever African American homecoming queen. Meanwhile, a forgotten experiment in a biology classroom became self aware, growing and feeding on the bugs and mold around it until was ready to reveal itself.

Winter started off with a bang, as the first ever demonic presence to grace EHS’s halls sprang from its dank spawning ground, declaring itself Hergasthaw, King of all who Live in the Shadows. To make matters more exciting, senator Al Franken found time in his busy schedule to come to the first student-run Model U.N. conference held in these very walls. Both winter dances, Sadies and Sweethearts, went off perfectly.

In springtime, Edina’s recent trend in integrating educational technology was continued as the school board unanimously voted to expand eLearning2, an act of unity that might be attributed to Herasthaw’s ability to possess the bodies and souls of lowly mortals. The Edina Thespians are currently performing their musical, Fiddler on the Roof, which debuted this fall, on a national level.

As we close the books on one of the benchmark years in the history of this great school, The Southern View wishes you a happy summer, good luck next year, and that you will be protected from the plague of locusts that The Dragon Lord will be casting upon us next fall.