Q. Dear Francis, I really want to get back into the dating game this summer. However, I have a lot going on and won’t have time to get any special outfit ready each morning. How can I stay fashionable?
A.Oh, you poor deary, I suppose you don’t know Francis’s Golden Rule of Summer Fashion, do you? Oh well, it’s an old family secret but I’ll let you in on it! Here’s what you do, near the start of the summer, break a limb! It works every single time. Get into a bike accident or fall out of a car while its still moving, then take a trip to the doctor and- voila- you have a cast, the perfect accessory to stay with you all summer long! And the best part is, you don’t even have to take the time to get it on in the morning. Soon, all those cuties you want won’t be saying “Who’s that loser who didn’t have time to get ready this morning?” No, they’ll be saying “Who’s that hottie with the very sexy cast?”
Q. Dear Francis, I want to look good this summer, but recently I fell down a ravine and now am covered with scratches and bruises. What can I do to mask my injuries?
A. You want to mask your injuries? Oh, now, that won’t do at all. It’s like I always say, the worst thing you can do with a scar is cover it up! Everyone, whether they’re boys or girls, young or old, Swedish or Brazilian, think that mutilations look magnificent! In fact, my advice is that you should pick at the scabs so they stay open as long as possible. They might even get infected!
Q. Dear Francis, swimsuit season is coming up and I’d like some general advice on how to look good.
A. Well now, honey, the worst thing you can do is look the same as everyone else. And the sad truth is that when most of your skin is showing, everyone looks just about the same. Now, if you already have green-tinged skin or super long fingernails or something else to make you stand out from the crowd, you’ll make a big splash no matter how you prepare. But if you’re a normal person like me, you might have to go out of your way to customize your flesh. Now, what I usually do is hang out by a nuclear power plant until you get webbed hands or a third eye, but that’s becoming so common these days that its almost a cliche in the fashion world. Maybe you could catch one of those Plagues of Boils that hasn’t come around in a while.
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