Tuesday, August 8, 2017
One doesn’t need to look far to see countless online opinion articles calling the latest generation to come of age out for their attention seeking habits, their laziness, their technology addiction, their entitled nature, their coddled upbringing. And even a cursory search pulls up nearly as many articles by millennial apologists who spin theses traits as positives necessary for survival in our evolving world. There’s only one clear consensus that all these writers come to: those born between 1980 and 2000 are a generation unlike any other in human history. Much electronic ink has been spilled espousing theories for why millennial break the generational mold: changing parenting styles, the birth of the internet in their formative years, economic trends, shifting population demographics, it’s all been considered, and for me, none of them have provided a satisfactory answer for what’s wrong with millennials. But after poring over years and years of data, I think I’ve finally found the solution: we’ve spoiled millennials by writing too many think pieces about them.
It may seem to simple to be true, but trust me, I’ve run the numbers, and it all works out. Why are they so obsessed with technology? Because there are so many articles about them plastering social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter. Why are they so entitled? Because, without so much as lifting a finger, they’ve become the focus of essays by well established writers, published everywhere from Brietbart to The New Yorker. Why are they so obsessed with attention? Because we’ve given it to them in limitless quantities, going so far as to write entire books complaining about them.
Some might argue that this isn’t so large a change, that every generation has an editorial or two calling them lazy, pretentious morons. But even if a few people did pen letters to the editor harping on Baby Boomers’ lack of work ethic or Generation X’s tendency to shirk real responsibility, they certainly didn’t have the mass electronic circulation that today’s articles demonizing 75.4 million young people get.
The truth is undeniable: by writing articles that simplify all Americans between the ages of seventeen to thirty seven into broad, ubiquitously negative stereotypes, we have turned them into phone-obsessed, superficial, sheltered weaklings with lots of fancy educations but no real world skills.
Of course, some of the more soft-hearted generational analysts may blame themselves for inadvertently creating a generation of shallow cowards who can’t handle the real world by relentless name calling in practically every magazine and journal. But the real blame here lies in the millennials themselves. The Greatest Generation lived through economic ruin and apocalyptic war and, through combined strength and courage, turned America into a golden haven of prosperity. Can’t these tech addicted airheads have thick enough skin to be pseudo-scientifically analyzed on numerous online forms without turning into braindead screen-zombies?
While these kids should have grown up when they turned eighteen just like every other generation, the only option now is to resort to what I call “Plan Better Late Than Never.” We have to cut them off from our stream of derision and condescension. No more think pieces, no more articles, not even angry Facebooks rants. Millennials won’t have us adults around to constantly tell them that they’re a turning our society into an unmanly, sheltered, spineless cesspool of overpriced avocado toast and useless liberal arts degrees, and if they don’t like it, then they’ll just have to learn to live with it!
Sunday, January 22, 2017
1). Donald Trump has been accused of, and admitted to (in the Access Hollywood audio recording), sexual assault.
There’s no denying it, Donald Trump has no respect for women’s rights to their own bodies. If he acts this way as a private citizen, it’s extremely likely his choice in words and policy as president will not treat women with the respect they deserve. This is clearly one of our stronger reasons why the largest protest in U.S. history is morally justified.
2). Donald Trump sees women only as sexual objects.
You don’t need to dig very deep to find the countless examples of Donald Trump treating women’s beauty as their sole defining feature. It is frankly disgusting that our nation elected this man president.
3). Donald Trump looks like a big old pile of poop and no girl is ever going to kiss him!
A staff writer’s six-year-old niece came up with this one. While we’re sure she has her heart in the right place, the fact remains that Donald Trump was actually married three times, so the claim that no girl is ever going to kiss him is just incorrect.
4). Donald Trump judges women harshly for their physical appearance, while he’s pretty ugly on his own.
While we’re pretty confident no sensible human would call Donald Trump a looker, and his objectification does show some degree of hypocrisy and double standard, this attempt to put number three into more adult terms doesn’t work because it implies that it would be okay for an attractive man to make the same reprehensible comments. So, yeah, this is one of the lame ones.
5). Donald Trump opposes a woman’s right to choose.
Okay, let’s get back on track here. Donald Trump suggested that women who choose to have an abortion should be punished, and his Vice President Mike Pence spent much of the Vice Presidential debate railing against partial birth abortions, a nonexistent practice commonly used to demonize the left. That went pretty well, right?
6). Donald Trump repeatedly creates shallow, objectified female characters in his short stories, novels, and plays.
Upon closer inspection, we found that Donald Trump the real estate mogul and current U.S. president was actually a different person from Donald Trump the literary fiction writer, so this doesn’t work at all. And in all fairness, the latest work in his oeuvre, a novella entitled The Bronze Leaf of Hope, crafts a deep, realistic, and flawed yet strong female character in Rhonda Jefferson. Way to go, Trump!
7). Donald Trump uses sexism as a political weapon.
From his takedown of Carly Fiorina’s appearance to the subtle sexism in calling Hillary Clinton a “nasty woman,” Donald Trump’s language is specifically calibrated to appeal to sexist impulses in his supporters. And it worked.
8). Donald Trump raped and murdered Priscilla McKenzie in Hollowtown, Massachusetts, in 1912.
That was another Donald Trump too, as it turns out.
9). Our layout editor’s sister, who lost her job lately and is having trouble finding a new one, is making a killing off selling hand-knit pink pussy hats.
This is a little too personal for anyone who doesn’t know Sarah Clifford to really understand. Actually, knowing her makes it worse because everyone knows she spends all that money on weed.
10). Donald Trump supported defunding planned parenthood.
That Donald Trump would go out of his way to condemn an organization that offers breast exams and birth control to women who need it is appalling.
11). Donald Trump has only appointed two women to his cabinet.
One of them is Mitch McConnell’s wife and the other is the uber-rich and insanely unqualified Betsy DeVos. This lack of gender diversity is truly disheartening. Let’s hope we can squeeze out at least one more good one as we reach the end of the list.
12). Donald Trump is not a woman.
While factually correct, this one suggests that we need to mobilize international marches against every non-woman, which would be a lot of work and wouldn’t accomplish a whole lot.
13). Donald Trump still has not released his tax returns.We could probably find some intersectionality-type reason why this pertains to women, but screw it, let’s just call this a lame one and call it a day.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Look, I’m apprehensive about his plan to build a wall along the Mexican American border too, I think it’s unconstitutional and frankly disgusting to treat a religion like a terrorist group, and his “law and order” rhetoric harkens back to the implicit racism of the War on Drugs. But still, you’ve got to admit, this guy can yell like nobody’s business. When you see him onstage, you think “Even if he didn’t have that microphone, we’d still be able to hear him. That’s how loud he is.” His speaking volume is unparalleled in American leaders.
I don’t care what your party affiliation is, you have to respect a guy who can shout over everyone else.
I hate to admit it, but my party bungled it on this election. Bernie Sanders was a very, very loud man, I’d go so far as to say one of the loudest men I’d ever seen. But did we celebrate him for his booming voice? No, we threw him under the bus and instead chose as our candidate a woman who couldn’t shout if she had a megaphone. You blame the outcome of the election on racism? On sexism? On xenophobia? It’s a pretty thought, but any objective observer would agree: America just won’t accept a quiet president, and maybe that’s for the best.
You can argue with Trump’s policy, but you simply can’t argue with his loudness. I can’t say with total certainty that he will be the loudest president America has ever had, since so many came before the time of recorded sound, but he will definitely be the loudest President of the century.
Could Trump improve? Sure. For one, he could stop engaging in petty twitter feuds, using his extraordinary influence to cyberbully his dissenters. Or, even better, he could get into even more petty feuds and commit even more cyberbullying, but do it in all caps so that people can imagine his rumbling earthquake of a voice when reading his tweets.Don’t think I’ll go complacently into Trump’s America. If he follows through on his racist agenda, I’ll complain. If he gets us into an ill conceived war, I’ll be on the streets protesting. If he runs the country into the ground like so many gloom-and-doom Democrats are suggesting, I’ll vote against him in the next election cycle. But for now, why can’t my fellow Democrats just stop whining and celebrate that, instead of choosing the overqualified, even tempered, politically savvy candidate, we now get to spend four years being represented as a country by a guy who is really, really loud?
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Sources within the school board reported this week that they were seriously considering discontinuing AP European History, and will decide whether or not to keep the class in a vote on January 19th. “Our main debate at this point is whether or not the benefits of canceling the course would outweigh the risks, most of which revolve around the various curses AP Euro teacher Daniel Baron has sworn to place upon the school should we ever cancel the course,” said Kim MacKinnon, School Board President.
The school board, which has been in talks for months about canceling the course, mostly as a superficial and ultimately destructive attempt to battle the larger problem of racism at Edina High School, is especially wary of eliminating the course due to a passage in Baron’s contract, written in ram’s blood on sacred parchment over 10,000 years ago, which reads, “Should the eternal light of knowledge ever be tainted by foolhardy bureaucrats who seek to avoid confronting the contributing factors of prejudice among the student body by blaming a glorious class that analyzes the very roots of the evil prejudice the school board tries to curtail, then I will exact terrible vengeance upon this institution.”
The sacred document then goes on to describe a great number of plagues and horrors that will be visited upon EHS, including “a terrible swarm of locusts to consume all crops,” “great boils that swell and burn with pain,” and “an end to collaborative time.”
Students were unanimous in their opposition to ending AP Euro. “Mr. Baron is a great teacher, I really love the class, and it would really suck if every phallic symbol in the bathroom visited madness upon those who look upon it, because there sure are a lot of those,” said Sophomore Jonathon Arnold.
Even alumni are speaking out in favor of Baron. “AP Euro was far and away my favorite class in high school, and the skills of document analysis and studying vast amounts of material have helped me throughout my college classes,” said Matthew Restall, currently a student at Columbia. “Plus I was looking forward to visiting over winter break to see all my old teachers, but if they cancel AP Euro, apparently all the faculty and staff will be replaced with demons from the death realm of Pregnesh, so that would kind of mess with my plans.”
Thomas Schwartz, a father of Edina Alumni Catherine Schwartz and South View Middle School student Edwin Schwartz who hoped to take AP Euro next year, said, “From what Cathrine tells me, Mr. Baron’s class doesn’t add to the racism at EHS, it fights against it by analyzing the eurocentric lines of thought that cause it in the first place. I want my son to go to a school where he can take an excellent class that encourages him to think critically about the world we live in, not some hell pit where the walls are always screaming.”
When Baron himself was asked about his thoughts on the upcoming vote, he responded in an alien tongue that none could understand, yet all comprehended as a warning of doom.
MacKinnon says that she is “taking all factors into account” and will “make the best decision for the students and staff.”
To express your discomfort with the high school sinking into a pit of insanity and terror, sign this petition: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INLoW57Zi2-HmDALxFf2SYj6b42vnXSOkjYDt01IlB8/edit
And email any (or all) of the following people:
And email any (or all) of the following people:
Leny Wallen-Friedman: firstname.lastname@example.org
Sarah Patzloff: email@example.com
Regina Neville: firstname.lastname@example.org
David Goldstein: email@example.com
Amir Gharbi: firstname.lastname@example.org
Randy Meyr: email@example.comLisa O’Brien: firstname.lastname@example.org
And emailing Doc Lock couldn't hurt either: email@example.com
And call them so they can hear your desperate plea in person:
Leny Wallen-Friedman: 952-848-3912
Sarah Patzloff: 952-848-3912
Regina Neville: 952-848-3912
David Goldstein: 952-848-3912
Amir Gharbi: 952-412-2154
Randy Meyr: 952-848-3912
Lisa O'Brien: 952-848-3912
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Thousands of attendees at the Farrand Comic Con this morning reported seeing a beaming Jeb Bush walking through the crowd of cosplayers, vendors, and spectators, shaking hands and smiling at everyone whom he passed, apparently mistaking the event for the Republican National Convention, which was held almost a month ago in the city of Cleveland.
Sources confirmed that the failed Republican presidential candidate was in a deliriously good mood, greeting the comic book and video game enthusiasts with hearty sentiments like, “Good to see young, spirited men like yourself supported the party,” or simply, “God bless America.”
When the press cornered the Republican-establishment favorite, Bush explained, “Well, I haven’t been following the news lately, for obvious reasons, but a few days ago I was passing through Dallas, and I read that they were having the convention right here in Farrand, and I figured I just had to come. And good thing I did! It’s great to see so many hip, young, flamboyantly costumed Republican voters!”
Bush then walked over to an obese gentleman in a Game of Thrones t-shirt and said, “Christie, how’re ya doing these days?”
Roughly an hour later, the press found the Florida governor deeply immersed in conversation with a young woman dressed as a Pikachu. After the woman, who had a yellow painted face and tall, triangular ears glued to her head, had finished describing the technical details of Pokemon battling statistics, Bush nodded knowingly and said, “I must say, ma’am, that is one of the most complex and nuanced allegories for the hole Obama’s rampant welfare spending has left us in!”
“I’ll be honest with you,” said a brightly smiling Bush in an impromptu speech he held after accidentally wandering onstage during a panel on the film Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, “I had a dark view of the way this party was headed after dropping out of the race. I thought the GOP was full of fearful, angry, and, frankly, irrational Trumpians. But now, seeing young, vibrant, unusually colorful crowd of conservatives, I know that our party is headed in the right direction!”
His speech was greeted by sarcastic applause and an immediate removal by security guards.
As the Republican establishment favorite was leaving for the day, a man dressed up as the popular Marvel comics character Deadpool asked Bush, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the news, the president guy?”
In Light of Pokemon Go’s Success in Helping People Exercise, Nintendo Announces Plans to Rid Humanity of all Other Sins
After Pokemon Go’s explosive popularity got over 9 million users off the couch and out exploring their neighborhoods, many applauded Nintendo for fighting obesity and American’s increasingly sedentary lifestyles. But this is just the start of the Japanese-based video game company’s war with human sin, as was announced in a press release this morning.
“While we have made great strides in battling gluttony and sloth with our latest mobile app,” said Ishi Sakuri, the comapany’s CEO, “We will not rest on our laurels! Our game designers are already hard at work creating new titles to purge all your feeble humans of your imperfections and create a new race of video-game crafted supermen!”
Sakuri then went on to reveal several upcoming video games designed to “Drive all darkness from the human heart,” including a new entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise in which the extremely unattractive characters are designed to thwart feelings of lust, and a Metroid game where enemies insult players instead of attacking, thereby bready a healthy sense of humility.
Pokemon Go isn’t done training Nintendo’s army of morally imaculate super humans either. According to Sakuri, an upcoming installment will add Johto region Pokemon, which will only breed if players perform a random act of kindness to a stranger. The Hoenn update, meanwhile, will give the player extra Pokeballs if the player prays to Nintendo to confess sins and ask for forgiveness.
“The Nintendo Corporation is the light and the hope of the whole world! Join us and be enlightened and empowered, but turn us away and you will be doomed to an eternity of sin and sadness and suffering and death!” said Sakuri before leading the Nintendo Choir in Nintendo Humn #57, Bowser’s Castle Theme (Mario Kart 64).
Myth: You wouldn’t have gotten into your college or university unless you has what it takes to succeed there academically, so there’s nothing to worry about.
Fact: Due to a clerical error, your ST score was switched with that of a much smarter student. So, yeah, good luck.
Myth: Majoring in a STEM field gives you the best odds of finding a high paying job immediately after college.
Fact: This computer thing is just a flash in the pan, and when it’s over, everyone’s going to come crying to us humanities majors. Just you wait.
Myth: 40% of all married Americans met their spouse in college, so socializing now means a better chance of having a family later on.
Fact: The other 60% met their spouses on a moonlit night, rain softly falling on the cobblestone, lost in a labyrinth of streets in a city they’re just passing through. Then suddenly, they see the vague outline of a person walking towards them and, before the streetlight illuminates the stranger’s heavenly features, they feel a wrenching pain in their chest, like their very soul is trying to break free of this feeble mortal coil and soar forward to meet their eternal lover. So, y’know, you’ve got options.
Myth: College campuses are havens of radical liberalism and militant political correctness.
Fact: Obviously, you’ve never been to Baylor.
Myth: At college, you have to work harder than you’ve ever worked before, because no one’s gonna be holding your hand this time. It’s sink or swim from here on out, bub, so unless you want to be pumping gas for the rest of your life you’ve got to hunker down and take this school thing seriously.Fact: That’s the exact same thing they told you about fourth grade.