1. “I don’t care if you want to study history or engineering or writing or whatever. You’re taking general studies whether you want to or not.”
2. “Here’s what you do: throw scalding coffee at each of the headmasters of the schools that you’re considering. Whichever one forgives you first is the school you go to.”
3. “So Florida State is good enough for your Crazy Uncle Al but it’s not good enough for you?”
4. “Go wherever you think that you’ll be the least happy, since the more miserable your college experience is, the more depressing poetry you can write.”
5. “When you look around the campus, ask yourself the question ‘Is this the kind of place I can see myself getting into a mindless, monotonous routine?’”
6. “As an admissions counselor for The University of Denver, it’s my personal opinion that you should go to The University of Denver.”
7. “There’s only one thing worse than a communist: an elitist. Don’t go to college.”
8. “In my younger and more vulnerable years, I was educated in New Haven. Later I was involved in a sad, violent tale of excess, murder, and unrequited love. There’s a lesson here, kids: never be educated in New Haven.”
9. “It says here that Reed College has a student-run nuclear reactor and a super high rate of drug use by the student body. What more could you want?”
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