Edina School Board Weighing Cost-Benefit of Canceling AP Euro, Writhing in Eternal Agony

Sources within the school board reported this week that they were seriously considering discontinuing AP European History, and will decide whether or not to keep the class in a vote on January 19th. “Our main debate at this point is whether or not the benefits of canceling the course would outweigh the risks, most of which revolve around the various curses AP Euro teacher Daniel Baron has sworn to place upon the school should we ever cancel the course,” said Kim MacKinnon, School Board President.

The school board, which has been in talks for months about canceling the course, mostly as a superficial and ultimately destructive attempt to battle the larger problem of racism at Edina High School, is especially wary of eliminating the course due to a passage in Baron’s contract, written in ram’s blood on sacred parchment over 10,000 years ago, which reads, “Should the eternal light of knowledge ever be tainted by foolhardy bureaucrats who seek to avoid confronting the contributing factors of prejudice among the student body by blaming a glorious class that analyzes the very roots of the evil prejudice the school board tries to curtail, then I will exact terrible vengeance upon this institution.”

The sacred document then goes on to describe a great number of plagues and horrors that will be visited upon EHS, including “a terrible swarm of locusts to consume all crops,” “great boils that swell and burn with pain,” and “an end to collaborative time.”

Students were unanimous in their opposition to ending AP Euro. “Mr. Baron is a great teacher, I really love the class, and it would really suck if every phallic symbol in the bathroom visited madness upon those who look upon it, because there sure are a lot of those,” said Sophomore Jonathon Arnold.

Even alumni are speaking out in favor of Baron. “AP Euro was far and away my favorite class in high school, and the skills of document analysis and studying vast amounts of material have helped me throughout my college classes,” said Matthew Restall, currently a student at Columbia. “Plus I was looking forward to visiting over winter break to see all my old teachers, but if they cancel AP Euro, apparently all the faculty and staff will be replaced with demons from the death realm of Pregnesh, so that would kind of mess with my plans.”

Thomas Schwartz, a father of Edina Alumni Catherine Schwartz and South View Middle School student Edwin Schwartz who hoped to take AP Euro next year, said, “From what Cathrine tells me, Mr. Baron’s class doesn’t add to the racism at EHS, it fights against it by analyzing the eurocentric lines of thought that cause it in the first place. I want my son to go to a school where he can take an excellent class that encourages him to think critically about the world we live in, not some hell pit where the walls are always screaming.”

When Baron himself was asked about his thoughts on the upcoming vote, he responded in an alien tongue that none could understand, yet all comprehended as a warning of doom.

MacKinnon says that she is “taking all factors into account” and will “make the best decision for the students and staff.”

To express your discomfort with the high school sinking into a pit of insanity and terror, sign this petition: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INLoW57Zi2-HmDALxFf2SYj6b42vnXSOkjYDt01IlB8/edit
And email any (or all) of the following people:

Leny Wallen-Friedman: leny.wallen-friedman@edinaschools.org

Sarah Patzloff: sarah.patzloff@edinaschools.org

Regina Neville: regina.neville@edinaschools.org

David Goldstein: david.goldstein@edinaschools.org

Amir Gharbi: amir.gharbi@edinaschools.org

Randy Meyr: randy.meyer@edinaschools.org

Lisa O’Brien: lisa.obrien@edinaschools.org
And emailing Doc Lock couldn't hurt either: bruce.locklear@edinaschools.org
            And call them so they can hear your desperate plea in person:
           Leny Wallen-Friedman: 952-848-3912
             Sarah Patzloff: 952-848-3912            
             Regina Neville:  952-848-3912            
             David Goldstein: 952-848-3912            
             Amir Gharbi: 952-412-2154            
             Randy Meyr: 952-848-3912            
             Lisa O'Brien: 952-848-3912

Elated Jeb Bush Mistakes Comic Convention for Republican National Convention, Attends

Thousands of attendees at the Farrand Comic Con this morning reported seeing a beaming Jeb Bush walking through the crowd of cosplayers, vendors, and spectators, shaking hands and smiling at everyone whom he passed, apparently mistaking the event for the Republican National Convention, which was held almost a month ago in the city of Cleveland.

Sources confirmed that the failed Republican presidential candidate was in a deliriously good mood, greeting the comic book and video game enthusiasts with hearty sentiments like, “Good to see young, spirited men like yourself supported the party,” or simply, “God bless America.”

When the press cornered the Republican-establishment favorite, Bush explained, “Well, I haven’t been following the news lately, for obvious reasons, but a few days ago I was passing through Dallas, and I read that they were having the convention right here in Farrand, and I figured I just had to come. And good thing I did! It’s great to see so many hip, young, flamboyantly costumed Republican voters!”

Bush then walked over to an obese gentleman in a Game of Thrones t-shirt and said, “Christie, how’re ya doing these days?”

Roughly an hour later, the press found the Florida governor deeply immersed in conversation with a young woman dressed as a Pikachu. After the woman, who had a yellow painted face and tall, triangular ears glued to her head, had finished describing the technical details of Pokemon battling statistics, Bush nodded knowingly and said, “I must say, ma’am, that is one of the most complex and nuanced allegories for the hole Obama’s rampant welfare spending has left us in!”

“I’ll be honest with you,” said a brightly smiling Bush in an impromptu speech he held after accidentally wandering onstage during a panel on the film Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, “I had a dark view of the way this party was headed after dropping out of the race. I thought the GOP was full of fearful, angry, and, frankly, irrational Trumpians. But now, seeing young, vibrant, unusually colorful crowd of conservatives, I know that our party is headed in the right direction!”

His speech was greeted by sarcastic applause and an immediate removal by security guards.

As the Republican establishment favorite was leaving for the day, a man dressed up as the popular Marvel comics character Deadpool asked Bush, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the news, the president guy?”

In Light of Pokemon Go’s Success in Helping People Exercise, Nintendo Announces Plans to Rid Humanity of all Other Sins

 
After Pokemon Go’s explosive popularity got over 9 million users off the couch and out exploring their neighborhoods, many applauded Nintendo for fighting obesity and American’s increasingly sedentary lifestyles. But this is just the start of the Japanese-based video game company’s war with human sin, as was announced in a press release this morning.

“While we have made great strides in battling gluttony and sloth with our latest mobile app,” said Ishi Sakuri, the comapany’s CEO, “We will not rest on our laurels! Our game designers are already hard at work creating new titles to purge all your feeble humans of your imperfections and create a new race of video-game crafted supermen!”

Sakuri then went on to reveal several upcoming video games designed to “Drive all darkness from the human heart,” including a new entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise in which the extremely unattractive characters are designed to thwart feelings of lust, and a Metroid game where enemies insult players instead of attacking, thereby bready a healthy sense of humility.

Pokemon Go isn’t done training Nintendo’s army of morally imaculate super humans either. According to Sakuri, an upcoming installment will add Johto region Pokemon, which will only breed if players perform a random act of kindness to a stranger. The Hoenn update, meanwhile, will give the player extra Pokeballs if the player prays to Nintendo to confess sins and ask for forgiveness.

“The Nintendo Corporation is the light and the hope of the whole world! Join us and be enlightened and empowered, but turn us away and you will be doomed to an eternity of sin and sadness and suffering and death!” said Sakuri before leading the Nintendo Choir in Nintendo Humn #57, Bowser’s Castle Theme (Mario Kart 64).

While Nintendo appeared beneficent and merciful on the surface, recent events tell a different story, as Nintendo publically executed indepent game creator Toby Fox for his, “Feeble attempt to teach humanity mercy and kindness with his game Undertale.”

College: Myth Vs. Fact

Myth: You wouldn’t have gotten into your college or university unless you has what it takes to succeed there academically, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Fact: Due to a clerical error, your ST score was switched with that of a much smarter student. So, yeah, good luck.

Myth: Majoring in a STEM field gives you the best odds of finding a high paying job immediately after college.

Fact: This computer thing is just a flash in the pan, and when it’s over, everyone’s going to come crying to us humanities majors. Just you wait.

Myth: 40% of all married Americans met their spouse in college, so socializing now means a better chance of having a family later on.

Fact: The other 60% met their spouses on a moonlit night, rain softly falling on the cobblestone, lost in a labyrinth of streets in a city they’re just passing through. Then suddenly, they see the vague outline of a person walking towards them and, before the streetlight illuminates the stranger’s heavenly features, they feel a wrenching pain in their chest, like their very soul is trying to break free of this feeble mortal coil and soar forward to meet their eternal lover. So, y’know, you’ve got options.

Myth: College campuses are havens of radical liberalism and militant political correctness.

Fact: Obviously, you’ve never been to Baylor.

Myth: At college, you have to work harder than you’ve ever worked before, because no one’s gonna be holding your hand this time. It’s sink or swim from here on out, bub, so unless you want to be pumping gas for the rest of your life you’ve got to hunker down and take this school thing seriously.

Fact: That’s the exact same thing they told you about fourth grade.

Edina High School Construction Runs Into Unexpected Delays With Enormous Stone God of Technology

While the construction crew working on the 30 million dollar additions to Edina High School reports being ahead of schedule on the new athletic facilities and classroom accommodations for 9th graders, they also reported unexpected troubles in their creation of a 300 foot tall stone idol shaped like a chromebook for all staff and students to worship and glorify.

“We’ve been working around the clock to get our Great and Wrathful God of Technology and 21st Century Learning Skills up and running, but we’ve had some pretty major problems,” said High Cleric Nick Settich, sent from Google headquarters to oversee the creation of the massive god, which will be located in the media center. “Particularly, there have been some difficulties in building the altar where three cattle and a virgin will be sacrificed to the All-Seeing, All-Knowing Father of All the Internet every collaborative time.”

The administration has also reported difficulties in incorporating the gigantic stone idol.
Starting around this winter, we’d like to schedule daily three hours prayers and computer skills lessons,” said Erika Kelly, a newly hired media center employee/occult priestess. “But how should we rearrange the schedule? Do we shorten classtime or just cut the first three periods from every class day?”

To sort out all the logistical and practical problems of erecting the 7,000 ton statue and scheduling time to pay tribute to it, the Edina Public Schools system is asking taxpayers for another 80 million dollars, which will be on a referendum this fall and is expected to pass.

Op-Ed: Society has Come so Far, to Now Have a Presidential Race Between a Woman and an Oaf

I’ve heard a lot of people complaining this election season, about how corrupt the politicians are, about how gullible the public is, about how nothing ever really changes. And sure, our society has a long way to go, but I feel like no one really appreciates how far we’ve really come. For example, think about our candidates this election cycle. No matter who we choose, we as a nation will be making a landmark decision. Clinton will validate years of feminist struggle by becoming the first woman president, or Trump will make history as our first horribly incompetent president.

If you doubt how big an achievement this year’s presidential ticket is, consider for a moment where the nominees would be just a century ago. Hillary Clinton would be at home, raising children and doing house chores, confined to a life of silent drudgery just because of her gender. Donald Trump, meanwhile, would be earning next to nothing in a manual labor job, living in subhuman conditions, all because his violent mood swings and general idiocy would have made him unsuitable for any kind of skilled labor.

Just goes to show, the pariahs of yesterday are the world leaders of tomorrow. Not too long ago, people would have scoffed at the idea of handing over the duty as Commander-in-Chief to a woman or total moron. But now, finally, the world has realized that you don’t need testosterone, or even common sense, to run our country in the 21st century.

And with either of these fine candidates, I’m sure we can expect to see big improvements in regards to treatment of their respective group. Clinton will no doubt work tirelessly to end the wage gap and stop sexist hiring practices within the government. Tump, meanwhile, can be counted on to fill government positions with people just as incoherent and pugnacious as him.

Just think, in less than a year, we’ll have a president that young girls, or young bratty imbeciles, can look up to as a role model and true hero.

I’m so glad that our nation has finally realized that anyone, no matter the color of their skin, no matter their gender, no matter whether they have a shred of basic human decency or an elementary schooler’s knowledge of the U.S. constitution or not, can rise to greatness.

“We Had a Wonderful Time on Our Vacation,” Insists Mom

In a recent visit with her next door neighbors, area mother Ashley Bently claimed that her family had “loads of wholesome fun and quiet relaxation,” despite uneasy looks coming from her children and husband.

“Palm Springs is just glorious this time of year, and there was so much to do! It was just such a great time you would not believe,” said the mother of four, who went on for several minutes afterward, perkily describing the peaceful, calming, and indisputably safe their recent trip to a Florida resort was. Eyewitness reports claim that Bently’s voice fluctuated slightly when she said, “Our family stayed together through the whole thing, never fighting, never once resenting each other! Isn’t that right Jack?”

Bently’s fifteen year old son, Jonathon “Jack” Bently, whose hands were visibly shaking, then responded. “Yeah mom. We had a, uh, swell time. Real… swell.”
When Jay Gonzales, a father of the family the Bentlies were visiting, if they had any pictures of the vacation to show, Ashley Bently responded, “No. We accidentally destroyed the camera. Sorry!”

Area Woman Mortified That she Might Have Accidentally Donated Money to Homeless People Rather Than Homeless Puppies

Hyperventilating and running her hands through her hair nervously, sources confirmed that the source of area woman Brittany Bluefin’s panic was the sudden realization that she might have mistakenly donated money to homeless human beings, rather than an animal shelter.

“I just assumed that it would be a shelter that takes in poor, hungry puppies,” said the catanic Bluefin, referring to the donation jar on the counter of the Dairy Queen she just exited, in which she placed seven dollars. “But I just realized, it never said that it was for dogs! I might have given money to a place that feeds and clothes icky drug addict homeless guys!”

Bluefin, a tax accountant in Escamilla, Michigan, and the owner of three dogs, reportedly drove erratically on her way home from the ice cream restaurant. “I just can’t stand the thought of a poor little dog, moaning with hunger, while some welfare junkie off the street gets a warm meal and medical attention. But it’s nothing to get worked up about, because the jar must’ve been for a rescue shelter. Right? I mean, who puts out tip jars for gross people off the street?”

At press time, Bluefin had driven back to the Dairy Queen, seen that her donation had in fact gone to a local soup kitchen reserved for humans, and had demanded that her donation be taken out.

Op-Ed: Well, I Didn’t Think it Would Come to This, But I Guess I Have to Take Down the Trump Campaign With a Strongly Worded Blog Post

I guess you can’t say we didn’t see it coming. For this entire election season, Trump’s egotistic blathering has dominated the news cycle, made him the Republican Nominee, and now it looks like he has a good chance of becoming the nation’s next president. I suppose in my heart of hearts I knew it would come to this. Now I have no choice but to obliterate the Trump campaign with a polite but firm open letter on my blog.

Believe me, I take no pleasure in this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Our nation is on the brink of electing a thin-skinned narcissist as the Commander-in-Chief of the world’s greatest military superpower. To think that foreign policy decisions could be made, based only on the whims of this demagogue? It’s enough to bring me to write a critical evaluation of his short-sighted policy goals, and thereby shatter the billionaire celebrity’s army of supporters.

Soon, sentences like, “As a lifelong moderate conservative, it pains me to see my party forsake so many of its beloved principles like small government and adherence to the constitution in the name of Trump,” and, “I have no love for Hillary Clinton, but her government experience and general composure put her head and shoulders above Trump,” will decimate Trump’s mass following and cripple him, financially, politically, and emotionally, for life.

The elegance of my plan is that I won’t stoop to the same kind of mudslinging and superficial slander that Trump indulges in. The pure fury of my 500 word discussion of ideas will be even more powerful without his dirty tricks.

I may even title the post on my Blogger page, “An Open Letter to Donald J. Trump,” just so he knows it is directed directly at him. But perhaps this would be too strong a blow. I don’t mean him any harm, it hurts me to permanently scar a man, even an evil man, in the way this blog post will scar him.

You may ask me, “How can a blog post succeed where the establishment of both parties, countless scathing news articles, and general common sense have failed?” Do not fear, fair reader, because none of them have what I do: twenty three subscribers, plus a cousin who used to intern with a state Senator who might pass my article around to people in high places.

Enjoy these, your last few hours of political relevance, Donald Trump. By the time the sun is set, a blog post beginning with, “I don’t usually talk about political stuff here, but there’s something that I feel like really needs to be discussed,” will have rotted your dignity and annihilated your power.

Overly Complex Prom-Posal Goes Horribly Wrong

Sources confirmed that last night senior Wallace Ginsburg sat, watching the flaming wreckage burn down, and considered that perhaps he had been a tad bit too ambitious with his prom-posal for senior Sandy Ross.

“I mean, it would have been so awesome if it had worked,” said Ginsburg to reporters as firemen extinguished the last remaining flames coming from the burnt out husks of two crashed blimps. “I was going to ride in, stepping from one zepplin to the other, and then I’d press a switch that lit up burning letters behind me saying, ‘SR+WG=PROM?’ That’s when the fireworks were supposed to start.”

“I’d probably say that my big mistake was not making some sort of harness that kept the blimps from crashing into each other. Either that or having the hubris to think this would work in the first place,” said Ginsburg when asked what one fault led to Edina’s largest blimp explosion on record, with flames reaching higher and devouring more than even the Fethten Fiasco of 1934.

Ginsburg was said the most painful part was when he, “Visited Sandy in the burn ward of the hospital, and she said she was really honored and all, but Emrec Westlirb asked her last week.”

Edina League of Bathroom Idiots Announce Plans to Continue Talking Loudly

During their annual meeting last week, the Edina High School wing of the National League of Bathroom Idiots announced their plans to follow through on their mission statement to “make the lavatory-going experience as uncomfortable and unpleasant as possible” by continuing to speak loudly and abrasively about nothing in particular.

“In keeping with our five year plan to make urination a strange and unsettling experience for all EHS students who just want to piss in peace, we will keep yelling at each other about the drugs we did last weekend or how stupid our teachers are,” said Dill Jankord, leader of the LoBI.

“But we cannot and will not stop at making a big deal about someone’s sexual orientation when they use the urinal next to another person,” said an impassioned Jankord. “No, we must go further than that. I’m talking about leaving half eaten lunches in the stalls, stuffing the toilets with so many paper towels that they don’t flush properly, destroying the locks on the doors so you just have to put your backpack next to the door and hope no moron walks in on your, or removing the doors entirely! We’ve made great strides recently in destroying the EPAC bathroom so thoroughly that the staff 

closed it permanently, but we can’t stop there!”

At press time, the LoBI was interrupted by the OSBN (oversensitive bathroom ninnies) who demanded total cleanliness and silence in the lavatories at all time.

News in Pictures: Wow, Children’s Bible Really Not Toning Down the Violent Stuff

God Enraged by Incorrect Performance of “Father Abraham”

Audible screaming could be heard coming from the Heavens last Wednesday night as God, Lord Our Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, threw a tantrum over an incorrect rendition of the “Father Abraham” song at a meeting of the Junior Worshipers of St. Harper’s Church in Ethenrail, Arkansas.

“First off,” yelled The Perfect and Most Wonderful Almighty as he threw down lightning bolts out of rage, “It goes ‘right arm, left arm,’ not ‘left arm right arm!’ Why, in my name, would children put the most sinful side of the body first? And, secondly, it really riles me up how those politically correct song leaders keep on singing, ‘Father Abraham had many sons (and daughters),’ instead of just sons! Including daughters goes against the Divine Truth of My Word, plus it doesn’t even fit with the rhythm! Seriously, these idiots are totally butchering a perfectly fine children’s hymn!”

At press time, the children and adult leaders continued happily singing, “Father Abraham had many sons (and daughters) and many sons (and daughters) had father Abraham! I am one of them, and so are you, so let’s just praise the Lord,” completely unaware that The Lord of The Universe had come to the decision to throw each and every one of them into hell.

Top Places to Hang out in Edina at Night

For whatever reason, Edinains seem to love complaining that we have no night life. And, sure, maybe we aren’t full of nightclubs the way New York is. Maybe you have to go to Minneapolis to find a major business open after ten o'clock on a Saturday night, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun in Edina after dark. So, without further ado, here are our top places to hang out in Edina at night:

1. The Emergency Room: required by law to be open from dusk-till-dawn, here’s a place where the party never stops! You can sit around and watch TV, flirt with hot nurses, or play with medical equipment, not to mention you can always find someone interesting to talk to in the waiting room. They’ll even give you a ride there if you don’t feel like driving yourself! The only hitch is that you have to be injured or infirm in some way before going, but if you have a severe nut allergy that should be as easy as (pecan) pie.
2. Pamela Park: The skating rink closes at ten, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t fun to be had! You can play fetch with the feral coyotes that live in the woods, walk around in half-frozen swamp muck, or fly a kite at night like some kind of disturbed ghost-child!
3. The Internet: Get real, it’s the 21st century! Who even needs to step foot outside when you can surf the web for hours on end in complete isolation, trying to combat your desperate loneliness with an ever growing circle of internet friends who you will never, ever form meaningful relationships with!
4. Fat Kensington's Basement: Fat Kensington is always up for a good time!
5. Games by James: Why is one game store at Southdale open every hour of every day when the rest of the mall opens and closes at regular business hours? Why do the employees never seem to change shifts, eat, or blink? How come everyone who wins Friday Night Magic suddenly disappears and the next day a poppet in their likeness appears for sale on the counter? Don’t worry about it! Just pop in at Games by James whatever time of day or night you want, and have a grand old time at Edina’s best source of board games, dice, and dark magic!
6. Sleep: Sure, why not?

Jaded Grade Schoolers Know Science Teacher Who Claims, “I Have the Fastest Thing in the Universe in This Closet” Can’t Deliver

This Tuesday, third graders at Harding Elementary School in Squeg Valley, Massachusetts, told reporters that they were pretty sure that their science teacher, Amy Davis, who had spent the past few minutes  telling them that she had the fastest thing in the universe in their class’s closet was, in the words of student Nicolle Park, “Full of crap.”

“I mean, there is no way a boring elementary school teacher with a shoe string budget can deliver on all the hype she’s been building,” said Park, echoing the sentiments of her joyless classmates, who watched Davis’s overacted enthusiasm with hardened ambivalence. “I mean, the way she’s going on with it you’d think she has a cheetah or a rocket ship or one of those really faster sprinter guys in the closet. But, no, it’s going to be some highly abstract science lesson where she explains how a broom or water is really the fastest thing in the universe.

“I let myself get carried away with the hype when our Spanish teacher told everyone that she had a superpower and everyone else could have one too. We all thought we were going to learn to fly or something, but no, it turned out her super power was being bi-lingual.”

At press time, when Davis opened the closet to reveal a lightbulb, which she then turned on and off, explaining that light is the single fastest entity, the class let out a deflated groan.