After Pokemon Go’s explosive popularity got over 9 million users off the couch and out exploring their neighborhoods, many applauded Nintendo for fighting obesity and American’s increasingly sedentary lifestyles. But this is just the start of the Japanese-based video game company’s war with human sin, as was announced in a press release this morning.
“While we have made great strides in battling gluttony and sloth with our latest mobile app,” said Ishi Sakuri, the comapany’s CEO, “We will not rest on our laurels! Our game designers are already hard at work creating new titles to purge all your feeble humans of your imperfections and create a new race of video-game crafted supermen!”
Sakuri then went on to reveal several upcoming video games designed to “Drive all darkness from the human heart,” including a new entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise in which the extremely unattractive characters are designed to thwart feelings of lust, and a Metroid game where enemies insult players instead of attacking, thereby bready a healthy sense of humility.
Pokemon Go isn’t done training Nintendo’s army of morally imaculate super humans either. According to Sakuri, an upcoming installment will add Johto region Pokemon, which will only breed if players perform a random act of kindness to a stranger. The Hoenn update, meanwhile, will give the player extra Pokeballs if the player prays to Nintendo to confess sins and ask for forgiveness.
“The Nintendo Corporation is the light and the hope of the whole world! Join us and be enlightened and empowered, but turn us away and you will be doomed to an eternity of sin and sadness and suffering and death!” said Sakuri before leading the Nintendo Choir in Nintendo Humn #57, Bowser’s Castle Theme (Mario Kart 64).
While Nintendo appeared beneficent and merciful on the surface, recent events tell a different story, as Nintendo publically executed indepent game creator Toby Fox for his, “Feeble attempt to teach humanity mercy and kindness with his game Undertale.”
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