This Tuesday, third graders at Harding Elementary School in Squeg Valley, Massachusetts, told reporters that they were pretty sure that their science teacher, Amy Davis, who had spent the past few minutes telling them that she had the fastest thing in the universe in their class’s closet was, in the words of student Nicolle Park, “Full of crap.”
“I mean, there is no way a boring elementary school teacher with a shoe string budget can deliver on all the hype she’s been building,” said Park, echoing the sentiments of her joyless classmates, who watched Davis’s overacted enthusiasm with hardened ambivalence. “I mean, the way she’s going on with it you’d think she has a cheetah or a rocket ship or one of those really faster sprinter guys in the closet. But, no, it’s going to be some highly abstract science lesson where she explains how a broom or water is really the fastest thing in the universe.
“I let myself get carried away with the hype when our Spanish teacher told everyone that she had a superpower and everyone else could have one too. We all thought we were going to learn to fly or something, but no, it turned out her super power was being bi-lingual.”
At press time, when Davis opened the closet to reveal a lightbulb, which she then turned on and off, explaining that light is the single fastest entity, the class let out a deflated groan.
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