Sources within the school board reported this week that they were seriously considering discontinuing AP European History, and will decide whether or not to keep the class in a vote on January 19th. “Our main debate at this point is whether or not the benefits of canceling the course would outweigh the risks, most of which revolve around the various curses AP Euro teacher Daniel Baron has sworn to place upon the school should we ever cancel the course,” said Kim MacKinnon, School Board President.
The school board, which has been in talks for months about canceling the course, mostly as a superficial and ultimately destructive attempt to battle the larger problem of racism at Edina High School, is especially wary of eliminating the course due to a passage in Baron’s contract, written in ram’s blood on sacred parchment over 10,000 years ago, which reads, “Should the eternal light of knowledge ever be tainted by foolhardy bureaucrats who seek to avoid confronting the contributing factors of prejudice among the student body by blaming a glorious class that analyzes the very roots of the evil prejudice the school board tries to curtail, then I will exact terrible vengeance upon this institution.”
The sacred document then goes on to describe a great number of plagues and horrors that will be visited upon EHS, including “a terrible swarm of locusts to consume all crops,” “great boils that swell and burn with pain,” and “an end to collaborative time.”
Students were unanimous in their opposition to ending AP Euro. “Mr. Baron is a great teacher, I really love the class, and it would really suck if every phallic symbol in the bathroom visited madness upon those who look upon it, because there sure are a lot of those,” said Sophomore Jonathon Arnold.
Even alumni are speaking out in favor of Baron. “AP Euro was far and away my favorite class in high school, and the skills of document analysis and studying vast amounts of material have helped me throughout my college classes,” said Matthew Restall, currently a student at Columbia. “Plus I was looking forward to visiting over winter break to see all my old teachers, but if they cancel AP Euro, apparently all the faculty and staff will be replaced with demons from the death realm of Pregnesh, so that would kind of mess with my plans.”
Thomas Schwartz, a father of Edina Alumni Catherine Schwartz and South View Middle School student Edwin Schwartz who hoped to take AP Euro next year, said, “From what Cathrine tells me, Mr. Baron’s class doesn’t add to the racism at EHS, it fights against it by analyzing the eurocentric lines of thought that cause it in the first place. I want my son to go to a school where he can take an excellent class that encourages him to think critically about the world we live in, not some hell pit where the walls are always screaming.”
When Baron himself was asked about his thoughts on the upcoming vote, he responded in an alien tongue that none could understand, yet all comprehended as a warning of doom.
MacKinnon says that she is “taking all factors into account” and will “make the best decision for the students and staff.”
To express your discomfort with the high school sinking into a pit of insanity and terror, sign this petition: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INLoW57Zi2-HmDALxFf2SYj6b42vnXSOkjYDt01IlB8/edit
And email any (or all) of the following people:
And email any (or all) of the following people:
Leny Wallen-Friedman: leny.wallen-friedman@edinaschools.org
Sarah Patzloff: sarah.patzloff@edinaschools.org
Regina Neville: regina.neville@edinaschools.org
David Goldstein: david.goldstein@edinaschools.org
Amir Gharbi: amir.gharbi@edinaschools.org
Randy Meyr: randy.meyer@edinaschools.org
Lisa O’Brien: lisa.obrien@edinaschools.orgAnd emailing Doc Lock couldn't hurt either: bruce.locklear@edinaschools.org
And call them so they can hear your desperate plea in person:
Leny Wallen-Friedman: 952-848-3912
Sarah Patzloff: 952-848-3912
Regina Neville: 952-848-3912
David Goldstein: 952-848-3912
Amir Gharbi: 952-412-2154
Randy Meyr: 952-848-3912
Lisa O'Brien: 952-848-3912
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