Exclusive: An Interview With Seventeen Magazine's "Hot Guy Panel"

As a result of a recent hostage negotiation, we at The Southern View got the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with Seventeen Magazine’s trademark “Hot Guy Panel”! See what they had to say!

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Q 1: What is the perfect way to score a kiss at a New Year’s Eve party?

Bryan: I primp big time with a new tie and good slacks!

Alex: I use my dog as a wingman!

Jeremy: I plant a thirst trap on facebook, posting a selfie with the caption “I wonder who I will kiss tonight?”

Q 2: What is the best way to woo your crush?

Bryan: I try to compliment her on how appealing her clothing is!

Alex: Can I say the same thing as Bryan?

Jeremy: I plant a thirst trap for that too!

Q 3: Follow up question, Why do you want to woo your crush? Do you get true happiness out of a relationship, or just fleeting joy of artificial love before running off to your next object of desire?

Bryan: Um, yeah, I feel happy I guess. Sort of. Wow, I never thought about it like that before. Huh.

Alex: I suppose ever since my father left when I was in fifth grade I’ve tried to fill the vacuum in my heart he left with an endless string of short-lived girlfriends.

Jeremy: That’s a quandary even a thirst trap can’t answer.

Q 4: Free will: good or bad?

Bryan: You know, having someone else making all the tough decisions for me would be pretty awesome. I’d say bad.

Alex: I just don’t know any more.

Jeremy: There is no free will. We’re all just robots, subject to what the powers that be tell us to do.

 
Q 5: Say you died right now. Would St. Peter let you through the pearly gates?

Bryan: Maybe, but I wouldn’t deserve it.

Alex: No.

Jeremy: Just leave me alone.

Fully Secularized Santa now Delivering "Solstice Positive Reinforcement Packages"

Santa Claus, who has for centuries been known as the Christmas-specific provider of gifts for children, has decided to take his present-delivery in a more secular direction. “In order to stay away from discriminating against the billions of non-Christian children worldwide,” said Santa, “We are now delivering ‘Positive Reinforcement Packages’ on the winter solstice.”

There were other changes to Santa’s policies too. He has denounced his sainthood, the elves have been replaced by mostly robots and minimum-wage laborers, his previous North Pole location has been moved to a commune in Central Connecticut, and his flying, reindeer-pulled sleigh is now a scientifically-explainable aircraft.

“We’re really excited about the new direction of the program,” said the (now saintless) Nicholas, “Now that the old magic-y stuff has been done away with, we have the possibility to modernize the once-archaic industry of present-giving.”

The new, progressive strategy of Santa has been received well by a wide variety of non-Christian households. Some are more excited than others. Cultists worldwide have been some of the most vigorous supporters of the new policies, with Brotherhood of the Dark Ascension leader Terrence Hendrix saying “Now all children, whether they believe in The Ultimate Worm of Power or not, can be rewarded for their good behavior!” There has also been severe lashback among Christian communities and out of work elves. “First they take prayer out of schools, then they defame the founding fathers, and now these politically correct thugs have gotten to Santa!” said St. Louis-area mother and anti-Santa protester Millicent Scamp.

“And,” continued Scamp, “If we keep raising our kids in this environment, they’ll all end up as worm-worshipping, sun-hugging lunatics who get their kicks out of eating expired fireworks!”

"Shots" fired... at the Flu!

The Absolute WORST Places to Spend Collaborative Time!

Everyone loves the new two-hour collaborative time block, there’s no question about it. But it’s a well known fact that to spend the time well, whether you’re chatting with friends or getting ahead on your school work, you need a calm and peaceful environment. So we at The Southern View took the time to put together a list of places you shouldn’t even THINK about spending collab time.

1. Inside the walls: Sure, these small bits of space might seem like a good place to study at first. Quiet, dark, with friendly rats coming to your for companionship every so often. But try studying in there for more than ten minutes and you’ll see a totally different story. It’s impossible to get any light to see your textbook, it’s too cramped for a normal humanoid person to fit, and the “friendly mice” often resort to biting if they feel threatened.
2. In Mr. Squeg’s classroom: It’s a common misconception that a teacher will welcome any student searching for a place to work or chat with open arms. Mr. Squeg will NEVER provide a peaceful workplace, mostly because he doesn’t exist. Squeg isn’t a real name. I made it up when I was tired and tried telling my brother he needed to pick up a squid and an egg at the supermarket.
3. In the ruins of The EHS Monorail: When the Edina school board of 1981 approved plans to spend $60,000 to create an inter-school monorail to bus students from class to class, most people thought they had gone insane. And they had. The train crashed almost immediately. The remains are stashed mostly in the rarely-used sub-basement level of the school. Sure, the janitors will give you a key to go down there if you ask, but the moans of the ghosts make it far from an ideal study zone.
4. The Secondary House of Pancakes
5. New Orleans: The vibrant culture and friendly citizenry might make it seem worth it to take a trip down there for collab time. We’ve tried it, though, and we’ve got only bad things to say. It’s hot, it’s noisy, it’s approximately 1,200 miles away, and Mardi Gras isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
6. Fick Auditorium: Quiet study time? Nope. Sorry, but administration really should have planned it out better, since the moans from the ruins of the EHS Monorail make focusing on anything LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE!

Administration Plans on Buying Better Students With Black Friday Deals

Just before Thanksgiving break, the Edina Public School system revealed their plan to take advantage of special black friday deals at stores such as Target and Walmart to purchase new, more intelligent students. While these figures are preliminary, teachers and administrators are hoping to replace up to 35% of each grade with superior pupils purchased for as low as $7.91 each.

“Sure, it’s a bit of an investment,” said Valley View math teacher John Hub, “But if we can replace our older, slower models with maybe a handful of Lalit Braxtons or Reed Patels or maybe even a Heather Adamson, we could potentially give our standardized tests a huge boost and overall improve the quality of our student body.”

Not everyone is thrilled about the potential student-buying spree. Vice-Principal of Concord Elementary School Moe Johnson told reporters, “Doesn’t everyone remember the terrible debacle this exact same plan turned out to be last year? We disposed of more than half of our students and replaced them with Tim Hightower's who turned out to be defective! “

The other hot-button issue with this proposal was the old students who would become obsolete with the introduction of new students. “It’s just another example of the wastefulness in keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s type education,” said community member Hamdy Elliot. “If we keep up this rate we’ll be buying new students every year and throwing out the old ones, wasting thousands of taxpayer dollars in the process.”

The school board responded to this criticism by proposing a system in which old students would be shipped to poorer school districts who couldn’t normally afford them.

Edina Model U.N. Hopes Someday to Take Over Real U.N.

After doing well at a Model United Nations conference, members of the Edina Model U.N. team agreed unanimously to one day take over the actual U.N.

Russian mock-representative Hilary Blaszak told reporters, “Really, it’s just common sense. While we effectively solved the international energy crisis at our conference, the actual U.N. can hardly agree on something as simple as how to dispose a dictator or what to do with nuclear waste!”

Despite this, Blaszak did admit that it might be “Sort of hard,” to do away with the previous conference and that they’d need “A really good plan to get rid of them.”

The Ed-ventures of Eddie the Ex-patriot Elephant, Jr.!

The Setup

Eddie the Ex-patriot Elephant Jr. was sitting by himself in preschool, coloring with crayons, when a bloodcurdling scream was heard. Eddie Jr. rushed over.

He found the scream had come from Alex the Anti-establishment Anteater Jr.! “What’s wrong?” Eddie Jr. asked him.

“Someone stole my favorite pencil,” screeched Alex Jr., “And I will continue screaming until I find out who took it!”

“Well, you’re my best friend and I can’t stand to hear you scream,” said the brave, 5-year-old Mammal, “I will to take down whoever stole your pencil in bloody vengeance!”

Alex Jr. screamed in joy.

Eddie Jr. rounded up three suspects. One was a classmate, Winston the War-hawk Walrus Jr., who hated Alex Jr. due to a decades-old blood feud between their families. Terrance the Transcendentalist Teacher was their teacher and he had been angry at the world ever since Ralph Waldo Emerson died, and took it out his students. Lastly, Sarah the Sadist Symbionese Liberation Army Veteran Jr. just liked stealing things from her wealthier classmates.

The Solution

After a number of half-baked theories and violent accusals, Eddie Jr. found out that the pencil had just been lost the whole time! That was poor compensation, however, for the number of injuries that had been inflicted upon his classmates while in search of his fiery revenge. It also did little to rebuild the wing of the school Eddie burnt down or free him from juvenile hall from his numerous crimes.