Just before Thanksgiving break, the Edina Public School system revealed their plan to take advantage of special black friday deals at stores such as Target and Walmart to purchase new, more intelligent students. While these figures are preliminary, teachers and administrators are hoping to replace up to 35% of each grade with superior pupils purchased for as low as $7.91 each.
“Sure, it’s a bit of an investment,” said Valley View math teacher John Hub, “But if we can replace our older, slower models with maybe a handful of Lalit Braxtons or Reed Patels or maybe even a Heather Adamson, we could potentially give our standardized tests a huge boost and overall improve the quality of our student body.”
Not everyone is thrilled about the potential student-buying spree. Vice-Principal of Concord Elementary School Moe Johnson told reporters, “Doesn’t everyone remember the terrible debacle this exact same plan turned out to be last year? We disposed of more than half of our students and replaced them with Tim Hightower's who turned out to be defective! “
The other hot-button issue with this proposal was the old students who would become obsolete with the introduction of new students. “It’s just another example of the wastefulness in keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s type education,” said community member Hamdy Elliot. “If we keep up this rate we’ll be buying new students every year and throwing out the old ones, wasting thousands of taxpayer dollars in the process.”
The school board responded to this criticism by proposing a system in which old students would be shipped to poorer school districts who couldn’t normally afford them.
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