Fully Secularized Santa now Delivering "Solstice Positive Reinforcement Packages"

Santa Claus, who has for centuries been known as the Christmas-specific provider of gifts for children, has decided to take his present-delivery in a more secular direction. “In order to stay away from discriminating against the billions of non-Christian children worldwide,” said Santa, “We are now delivering ‘Positive Reinforcement Packages’ on the winter solstice.”

There were other changes to Santa’s policies too. He has denounced his sainthood, the elves have been replaced by mostly robots and minimum-wage laborers, his previous North Pole location has been moved to a commune in Central Connecticut, and his flying, reindeer-pulled sleigh is now a scientifically-explainable aircraft.

“We’re really excited about the new direction of the program,” said the (now saintless) Nicholas, “Now that the old magic-y stuff has been done away with, we have the possibility to modernize the once-archaic industry of present-giving.”

The new, progressive strategy of Santa has been received well by a wide variety of non-Christian households. Some are more excited than others. Cultists worldwide have been some of the most vigorous supporters of the new policies, with Brotherhood of the Dark Ascension leader Terrence Hendrix saying “Now all children, whether they believe in The Ultimate Worm of Power or not, can be rewarded for their good behavior!” There has also been severe lashback among Christian communities and out of work elves. “First they take prayer out of schools, then they defame the founding fathers, and now these politically correct thugs have gotten to Santa!” said St. Louis-area mother and anti-Santa protester Millicent Scamp.

“And,” continued Scamp, “If we keep raising our kids in this environment, they’ll all end up as worm-worshipping, sun-hugging lunatics who get their kicks out of eating expired fireworks!”