Getting-to-Know-You Activity Becomes Grim Retelling of Injuries

Sources confirmed this Thursday that a standard “getting-to-know-you” activity, occurring in a middle school sunday school group at St. Harper’s Catholic church in Macon, Georgia, had slowly but surely degraded into a truly disturbing recounting of injuries suffered by the adolescent members.

Eye-witness reports say that the parade of recountings of physical harm began when 21 year-old group leader Olivia Larson prompted the 28 middle-schoolers to list “one unique thing about themselves”.

“It started out okay,” said participant and 8th grader Greg Roffulette. “The first couple kids said stuff like ‘I have a cat named Ruffles’ or ‘I’m short’. Things really went off the rails when Jenny Mumford told us about the time her first time bear-hunting trip went violently wrong.”

From there on the entire activity became almost entirely oriented around explicitly described, bloody accidents suffered by the members. “I really thought it would be a good way to bring these kids together,” said Minister Raymond Gernette, who was “horrified” when he reportedly walked into the room to hear 6th grader Tyson Climby describe how he bit his own tongue off on two non-consecutive occasions.

Despite Gernette’s assertion that “nothing good could have come out of such violent, oddly specific stories of pain and misery”, many of the Sunday schoolers reported forming meaningful relationships with their peers due to the activity. “I always used to think that David Yelsten was a bit of a cry baby wimp,” said 8th grader Bruce Fredrickson, “But today he said that he split his chin open in Mexico and he had to go to a quack doctor who stapled it back together without any anesthetic or anything. That must have taken some guts!”

This has also been a record-breaking display of honesty at St. Harper’s church. “I’ve been trying to get these kids to confess their sins for six months now,” said Larson, “And now what finally gets Jimmy Ericson to admit he’s been recreationally fighting dogs is a chance for him to tell everyone where he got his scars?”

Despite her disappointment that he hadn’t admitted his misdeed with more orthodox methods, Larson did admit that his scars looked “wicked cool.”