Edina unveils "Homecoming Vision 2014"

 

Although a poll showed that 89% of Edina High School students classified the 2013 homecoming as “Moderately successful”, EHS principal Dr. Bruce Locklear said in an interview that he didn’t think that the school “Pulled off the best homecoming we could have. I mean, we’re a school that is willing to spend thousands of dollars on various technological initiatives. Would it be too much to ask for the school to build a giant animatronic hornet to fly above the parade and pick off the rowdier bystanders?”

In response to the criticism the Edina School Board, in conjunction with the elected student council penned a 5-point plan for how improve the spirit week, homecoming parade, football game, and dance for next year. The plan, known as Edina Homecoming Vision 2014, is as follows:

- Introduce edgier spirit days such as revolutionary day, tattoo day, and surrealism day so as to create a much more interesting kind of school spirit.

- In response to complaints that the parade “Goes too slowly” by Dr. Locklear, create super-fast parade of cars, each going between 60 and 80 miles per hour. The usually walking features of the parade, such as the band, clown corps, and latin club will have to either ride in a motor vehicle or learn how to march really, really fast.

- Win homecoming game by playing against a fake team made up of manequins, the elderly, and cross country runners.

- Control weather by using magic or, failing, that, a super-powerful weather machine. Use it to create torrential winds and lightning strikes on the visitor side of the stadium and good weather for the home side.

- Instead of letting students pick their own dates or groups, pre-assign students with groups and dates of similar academic ability so as to force students to interact with their intellectual peers.

The 5-point plan, though generally well-received by both students and the rest of the edina citizenry, there are some well known community members who have spoken out against the vision. The most prominent opponent of the plan is Fredrick Paulsen, a 79 year-old who claims to have lived in the city of edina for his entire life. He says “Since I was young, every single homecoming was the same. Using new-fangled technology to destroy bold edina traditions such as not using a weather machine and not rigging the football game would end our sense of community.”