Colleges begin yearly conscription *

A trend seems to be developing in the world of higher education, as upwards of 71% of major colleges have reportedly begun forcibly drafting students into their school. The legally binding conscriptions have been shown by various studies to be by far the most trustworthy and cost effective to gain student body.

“I was thinking about applying to Yale, Middlebury, maybe Carleton,” said Edina senior Crispin Algormoth, “Then I got a letter in the mail saying that I would be tried in a military court for desertion if I failed to attend The University of Denver so, that was that.”

Although the use of drafting has risen 57% across the board between 2010 and 2014, the technique is nothing new. “Why, Baylor has been growing our student body with militant drafting since its inception in 1845,” said Baylor University president Kenneth W. Starr. “It’s an age-old tradition to see a new batch of bright-faced freshman from all over Texas, from all over the world in fact, take their first steps on the hallowed ground of BU after a days aboard a paddy wagon guarded by heavily-armed soldiers.”

Although some question the ethics of aggressive recruiting techniques, most schools agree that forcing students to attend their four-year university upon penalty of banishment or execution is fair play. Laura L. Linn, University of Minnesota recruitment officer, said to reporters “Every school is entitled to their own strategy. Some bombard you with emails, others send speakers to high schools. We at the University of Minnesota send highly trained marines into your house, grab all your college aged children, and ship them off to the University of Minnesota’s beautiful 55-acre campus.”

While the military conscription is by this point seen by most as an acceptable practice, some studies show that there may be some negative side-effects. “Of course, no one is suggesting that being forcibly summoned by armed soldiers to attend a major university could be psychologically harmful,” said Dr. Miguel Sanchez, professor of military history and university warfare at Middlebury, “But there are other consequences of having regular militaristic operations by armed students and staff of colleges. For example, college rankings have been skewed ever since The University of Florida raided, seized, and occupied The U.S. News and Worlds Report center in Tampa Bay. Also, the easy access to arms by students has changed the face of inter-college rivalry and sports.”