Chemistry study notes

Acid: Any substance with a pH of under 7, which is only really interesting if the word “blaster” is placed directly after it.

Scientific method: A logical and rational means for observing natural phenomena that, while being a very effective way to go about getting factual information with scientific merit, isn’t exactly a recipe for having a good time.

Combustion reactions: One of the five main types of chemical reactions, usually involving a reaction between molecules of various parts oxygen, hydrogen, and carbon, living proof that even the science behind blowing stuff up is boring.

Plastic: Kind of hard to believe that all of your beloved childhood toys are made out of a byproduct of super-compressed, long-dead plant life, isn’t it?

Electricity: Pretty much the same as acid, minus the pH part.

Types of chemical changes

- Freezing: Easy, it’s when something gets cold and turns solid.

- Melting: I’ve got this one too, it’s when something turns solid to liquid.

- Evaporation: Uh, I remember learning this in kindergarten. Don’t happy little bubbles turn into clouds or something?

- Boiling: Doesn’t this only work with water?

- Condensation: What?

- Sublimation: Okay, now you’re just messing with me.

Alchemy: Pretty legit.

Artistic license: If writers and painters and poets can use this, why can’t scientists?

Hydrogen: The most plentiful element that can be found all over the universe.

Flerovium: An extremely unstable element only ever created in a lab setting, most of which decays in 2.8 seconds. In other words, a loser element that no one ever heard of who should really be thinking of better ways to be more like hydrogen.

Fire: Another one of those fun blaster words.

Spider man: He’s not in chemistry either? COME ON PEOPLE, HE’S A NERD THAT GOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE SPIDER!!! HOW MUCH MORE SCIENCEY DOES HE NEED TO BE FOR US TO FREAKING LEARN ABOUT HIM?!?! Oh well, maybe he’ll pop up in biology next year.

Democritus: Gosh, if he’d been right about atoms being super small marbles that don’t have any smaller parts, this class would have been so much easier.

J.J. Thompson: An english scientist whose extremely useful work on the road to the modern atomic theory is downplayed by the fact that the only thing anyone can remember about him is that he did something that had to do with plum pudding.

Double replacement reaction: A rare chemical term that cannot be made interesting, even when words such as “blaster”, “ray”, or “hyper-explosion gun” are placed after it.

STUDY: hard, stressful work in high school leads to hard, stressful work in college**

 
A recent educational study by the PUW center for research has uncovered new knowledge about the correlation between high school and college, with the information being called “ground breaking” by some major educators. Among other findings, the center for research has found a nearly direct correlation between hard work and stress in high school and hard work and stress in college.

“These findings are really helpful,” said Edina-area algebra teacher Mark Rudman, “All the time, my students are asking me why they should spend long nights doing the challenging homework assignments I give them. Now I can firmly point to this study to show them that if they don’t develop an unhealthy obsession with grades now, they’ll never get into a college where they can continue that self-destructive over-academic behavior.”

The findings looked at nearly 3,000 students and discovered that those of them who spent six hours each evening doing homework and voluntarily took four or five AP classes each year also got the benefit of spending up to seven hours on class work each day during college, while less devoted students would be lucky if their college experience gave even a little bit of overwhelming workload and stress.

“All in all, the message is loud and clear,” said researcher Samantha Jones, “High schoolers, you’d better start hitting the textbooks and developing an innate fear of even the most minor academic failure. Because if you don’t, there’s no way that you’ll be able to work yourself to death and become even more mentally unstable during your college experience.”

Jones even suggested that an overbearing work ethic could be helpful after college. “Who do you think the corporations are going to give the most stressful and hardest jobs to, some slacker who just scraped by in college and isn’t headed for an eventual mental collapse when he or she realizes that all this devotion to work doesn’t make them truly happy or fulfilled, or a straight-A student who has worked so hard in life that they’re devoid of all compassion or feeling?”

When asked whether devotion to study in high school impacted overall success in life, Jones chose not to comment.

EXCLUSIVE interview with Christopher Nolan*

Southern View: Thanks for agreeing to talk to us, Christopher Nolan. For those of you who don’t know, Christopher Nolan is the director behind Inception, the batman trilogy and the upcoming film Interstellar.

Christopher Nolan: Who are you talking to?

S.V.: It doesn’t matter.  Now, in the first batman movie, Bruce Wayne creates a sort of moral code against using guns. Does this reflect some sort of view you have on firearms?

C.N.: Well, it’s more of plot point than a political statement, but I suppose it is sort of a message against gun violence.

S.V.: So would it be fair to say that you hate the second amendment?

C.N.: Wait! That’s not what I was trying to-

S.V.: Moving on, what do you think of intellectual property?

C.N.: What… what does that have to do with my movies?

S.V.: Well, some say that Inception is about intellectual property, what with the idea stealing and such.

C.N.: But, but I didn’t prepare for this! I planned to drop some cryptic hints about Interstellar, not get grilled on my political views!

S.V.: Okay, okay, I understand.

C.N.: Good.

S.V.: Now what do you think the war in Vietnam?

C.N.: Um, but… you said… um, didn’t that end decades ago?

S.V.: I see, you don’t think that we should even think about past events and just throw all of history out the window, is that what you’re saying?

C.N.: No!

S.V.: Now, let’s talk environment. If we raised taxes on the top income bracket by 2%, studies say we could end global warming in five years. What do you think of that?

C.N.: I would be affected by that tax hike, but if we could really end global warming in only half a decade I guess that I’m for it.

S.V.: Wow. I would have never guessed that you were anti-business and would trust a statistic based mostly on guess work.

C.N.: But you just told me that statistic!

S.V.: Well, that’s all the time we have. Just to recap, world famous director Christopher Nolan is anti-second amendment, anti-history and anti-economy. See next week’s Southern View to see what happens when we ask the band Arcade Fire about racial stereotypes in the media!

AP-Euro students finally learn outcome of World War II*

This Thursday a wave of relief swept over Edina High School students as all three classes of advanced placement European history finally learned the resolution of World War II. “Frankly, I don’t think that anyone could have predicted it. Mr. Baron’s been teasing that World War I wouldn’t be the last global conflict centered around Europe, but the way everything went down, wow. All I can say is that no one saw it coming.”

In a recent gallup poll of all AP euro students, 79% reported being surprised by the endgame of the second world war. Most of those polled also responded positively to the ending. Sandra Egman, a sophomore enrolled in AP euro, “I really like how it was such a heroic story. The fascists were rising in power, taking over all sorts of countries, then Britain and France declared war on them. The Axis was winning, all hope seems lost, then America joins the war effort and it starts to be an even match. I’m really glad to see that everything turned out well for the good guys because I was really scared that the Germans might have won.”

However, some of the students criticized the second world war for gratuitous use of shock value to engage students. “It just seemed like they were trying too hard to keep us interested, it all felt so forced,” said student Andrew Johnson, “And the ending was an obvious attempt to keep us coming back to future classes. I mean, seriously, the only reason they kept the Soviet Union around so that there’s another enemy for the U.S. to duke it out with.”

Colleges begin yearly conscription *

A trend seems to be developing in the world of higher education, as upwards of 71% of major colleges have reportedly begun forcibly drafting students into their school. The legally binding conscriptions have been shown by various studies to be by far the most trustworthy and cost effective to gain student body.

“I was thinking about applying to Yale, Middlebury, maybe Carleton,” said Edina senior Crispin Algormoth, “Then I got a letter in the mail saying that I would be tried in a military court for desertion if I failed to attend The University of Denver so, that was that.”

Although the use of drafting has risen 57% across the board between 2010 and 2014, the technique is nothing new. “Why, Baylor has been growing our student body with militant drafting since its inception in 1845,” said Baylor University president Kenneth W. Starr. “It’s an age-old tradition to see a new batch of bright-faced freshman from all over Texas, from all over the world in fact, take their first steps on the hallowed ground of BU after a days aboard a paddy wagon guarded by heavily-armed soldiers.”

Although some question the ethics of aggressive recruiting techniques, most schools agree that forcing students to attend their four-year university upon penalty of banishment or execution is fair play. Laura L. Linn, University of Minnesota recruitment officer, said to reporters “Every school is entitled to their own strategy. Some bombard you with emails, others send speakers to high schools. We at the University of Minnesota send highly trained marines into your house, grab all your college aged children, and ship them off to the University of Minnesota’s beautiful 55-acre campus.”

While the military conscription is by this point seen by most as an acceptable practice, some studies show that there may be some negative side-effects. “Of course, no one is suggesting that being forcibly summoned by armed soldiers to attend a major university could be psychologically harmful,” said Dr. Miguel Sanchez, professor of military history and university warfare at Middlebury, “But there are other consequences of having regular militaristic operations by armed students and staff of colleges. For example, college rankings have been skewed ever since The University of Florida raided, seized, and occupied The U.S. News and Worlds Report center in Tampa Bay. Also, the easy access to arms by students has changed the face of inter-college rivalry and sports.”

New anti-literacy posters appear in library*

Although proliteracy posters and advertisements have been posted in various Edina Public Schools since 1971, media centers and libraries at Edina High School have begun a new, controversial campaign to show both the pros and cons of attaining and practicing the ability to read.

“We want to move away from the classic, one-dimensional view of literacy that most schools promote,” said EHS media center employee Sara Swenson, “While still telling students about the advantages of reading, we also want to let them know that learning to read also lends itself to some disadvantages.

“For one thing, if you spend your time reading then you have less time to spend on other things you want to do. For another, people who read for more than twelve minutes a day make up only 7% of the world population, meaning that regular readers are probably isolated elitists who are disconnected from the rest of the world.”

While still keeping up some of the posters featuring various celebrities and fictional characters endorsing literacy, new anti-literacy posters replaced roughly half of the old ones. The new posters feature a variety of arguments against reading. One such poster features Russian President Vladimir Putin standing heroically over a pile of burning books with a caption “Ideas are dangerous: Never read”. One of the more popular posters features actor Adam Sandler throwing a book into a basketball hoop, with the caption below “I don’t need basic reading skills to be awesome.”

While the media center claims to have conceived the idea for a campaign against

literacy, many speculate that the school employees actually caved under pressure. “All I know is that I wrote dozens of angry letters to the school system about how mad I was that they blatantly promoted reading. Why, I’m beginning to think that all of these teachers and librarians were under the impression that to succeed in this country you need to be able to decipher written word with some competence!”

Are the new posters enough to show both sides of the issue? A recent poll of parents, students, and staff showed that 42% think so. Another 12% think that the captions on the posters could actually be detrimental to promoting illiteracy and 46% think that the only side of the issue should be shown.

U.S. military strikes, demands 1 good pro-war book**

In an unprecedented unified action last Wednesday, the United States Military began a prolonged, organized strike. Although initially the strike’s planners were open to compromise with management for increased pay and shorter working hours, the military bureaucrats and soldiers are now demanding that at least one well written novel be written in support of each and every one of the U.S. military’s actions in years both past and recent.

The strike, which has spread to all five branches of the army and troops stationed everywhere from San Diego to Iran, has lost the United States Government at least three billion dollars so far. In a press conference two days ago, President Barack Obama told reporters, “I would like the American public to know that I am steadfastly committed to getting our soldiers back to work as soon as possible. If there is an aspiring writer out there who can whip out maybe 400 pages of realistic fiction with strongly patriotic themes in the next two days, hear this, your country needs you.”

As soon as the strike began to gain steam, organizer and lauded general Kevin Helmsman released the exact requirements of the theoretical pro-army piece of literature. According to Gen. Helmsman’s document, the book must “Feature a racially diverse group of soldiers (With maybe a woman thrown in there somewhere) who defeat a clear-cut villain and save a lot of innocent people as part of a recent military operation in a country that we actually invaded.”

Gen. Helmsman continued, “And, while this is really up to whoever ends up writing it, it would be really nice if the main bad guy ends up getting killed by a drone. Also, while themes such as death and man’s inhumanity towards man can be major themes in the novel, it should be clearly established that they are not the fault of the U.S. military. We’re willing to compromise though. Pretty much anything but another Catch-22 or Slaughterhouse 5 is okay.”

Some experts have warned that this might prompt other groups who feel villainized in works of fiction such as clowns, gangsters and mad scientists to join in a counterpart strike. “We could potentially see our weapons, drug-smuggling, mad science and clown-related entertainment industries take a nose dive if this gets out of hand,” said analyst Sarah Mindel.

“Honestly, their demands are quite reasonable,” said Senator Jeff Sessions, “All they want is a book that asks deep, existential questions about the nature of humanity and features complex characters that also portrays the U.S. as a one-sided force for good throughout the entire world.”

Sources

Bilyeau, N. (2013, July 1). The madness of king henry viii? [Blog post]. 
     Retrieved from English Historical Fiction Authors website: 
     http://englishhistoryauthors.blogspot.com/2013/07/ 
     the-madness-of-king-henry-viii.html 
Otto von bismarck. (n.d.). Retrieved May 19, 2014, from Wikipedia website: 
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_von_Bismarck 
Do you remember the maine? [Blog post]. (2011, February 16). Retrieved from 
     http://insidesuffolkva.blogspot.com/2011/02/do-you-remember-maine.html 
Christopher Nolan. (n.d.). Retrieved May 21, 2014, from http://en.wikipedia.org/ 
     wiki/Christopher_Nolan 
Bryan college. (n.d.). Retrieved May 21, 2014, from 
     http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/bryan-college-3536 
Beauty and the Beast photo from Delia Bush

Pre-AP 10 sequels**

Wow, Pre-AP English 10 sure was quite a trip, wasn’t it? If you’re like the average sophomore, you can fondly remember the day that such contemporary or classic literary masterpieces like Slaughterhouse 5, Catch-22, Maus or The Road was set on your desk. Now that it’s all over, don’t you wish that you could read each and every book on the syllabus for the first time again? Well, we at The Southern View have your solution! Using the most advanced book-finding technology, we have located the names of the few, arcane,and highly unsuccessful sequels to your Pre-AP favorites!

---

Catch-23: Oh no, everyone is trying to kill Yossarian, again! In this 400-page madcap adventure, the hero of the original finally goes home from fighting WWII in Italy, only to be re-drafted into the war in the Pacific! Wax up your funny bone for the rip-roaring fun of more jokes, more dark satire, and more questioning of the faceless bureaucratic nature of war!

Thing Keep Falling Apart: Picking up shortly after Okonkwo’s violent suicide in the first book, Things Keep Falling Apart takes Nwoye, Obierika, Enzima and the gang into a whole knew wacky situation. Forcibly taken from their conquered home in Africa and shipped to Europe to work as servants, you’re in for a treat as you see these natives as fish out of water in the city of London.

Slaughterhouse 6: If you said “So it goes” to the story at the end of the first book, you were dead wrong! The Tralfamadorians are back, and crazier than ever! Instead of simply wanting to keep protagonist Billy Pilgrim in a zoo like last time, they now want to dissect him to learn more about how the human body works. Be enchanted once again by Kurt Vonnegut's quirky characters, now on the run through time and space to try to get away from the aliens. But bigger secrets lie hidden in the fourth dimension.

The Road 2: At the end of Cormac McCarthy’s instant classic The Road, most assumed that they wouldn’t be seeing anything more from the now-orphaned main character. It was a shock to audiences everywhere, therefore, when McCarthy unveiled his new wacky novel: The Road 2. Traveling across the cold post-apocalyptic deathscape, the boy must face cannibals and the elements once again, with new threats lurking around every corner. It’ll be tons-o-adventure, barrels-o-fun, and plenty-o-disturbing imagery!

98% of classes comprised of food metaphors*

In a recent study released by the United States Department of Education, the vast majority of lessons in elementary through high schools involve food-based metaphors to explain basic concepts to students. “The study found,” said Department of Education worker Andrea L. Kilnsmin “That whether the teacher is trying to explain math, science or literature, they are far more likely to explain it by making a connection to, say, grapes or soda or hamburgers, than use textbooks or traditional lecture techniques.”

The study, which observed six thousand food based lessons in schools in all fifty states, found that the most common food metaphor was describing the interaction between federal and local governments as some sort of layer cake. The second was using some sort of pudding to help students visualize what atoms were envisioned to look like by some 20th century scientists.

Do the food metaphors work? Opinions vary among students and teachers affected by the teaching. Noted expert in the field and author of the book, Keep the Food in the Cafeteria, Dr. Andrew Pearson spoke out on the subject even before the official study was released, saying “It is incredibly detrimental to students everywhere when vital subjects are only explained to them in relation to food. How can you expect a high schooler to eventually become an engineer, for example, if they have only ever heard about negative and positive space when compared to applesauce and ice cream?”

The educational tactic, however, does have its supporters. Some of the strongest advocates for this type of explanation are the students themselves. “How would you expect me to understand the concept of existentialism without thinking about a roasted turkey? How can I write a five-paragraph essay without using a hamburger as a reference? Seriously, if you take away these food based metaphors, you take away my ability to learn,” said one of these students, Edina High School senior Sarah Gimbel.

“Of course they can’t understand how these metaphors are hurting their academic lives in the long run,” said Dr. Pearson, “They can’t even understand the concept of a metaphor without thinking about it like a multi-layered chocolate cheesecake with millet on top.”

Ap Euro Study Guide part II*

King Henry VIII: Powerful monarch of England who was known for his many wives and establishment of The Church of England. This is pretty surprising, all in all, since if I saw him walking down the street today I'd assume that he spends his days playing Magic: The Gathering against himself in his mom's basement. He just kind of has that look, you know?
Iconoclastic pirates: I kind of forget what these are, exactly, but they sure sound cool.
Surrealism: An artistic movement, taking place mostly over the course of the 20th century, during which the most common reaction to art stopped being "Wow, this is really good, I couldn't do this" and started being, "What the crap is this?"
The Black Hand of Death: A group of Serbian nationalist extremists. One of the members of this violent political faction murdered Archduke Franz Ferdinand, sparking the first world war. I assume that the group disbanded sometime after that, since we never heard anything more about them, but maybe that's just what they want us to think.
Cult of personality: A step in the rise to power of most totalitarian leaders in the 20th. The cult of personality, a tactic used by Mussolini, Stalin, Hitler and Ceasescu, mostly revolves around the leader in question forcing portraits of themselves into every house and business in the country. While many aspects of totalitarianism are pretty stupid, the cult of personality seems to be the dumbest of them since, to date, there has not been a single notably good looking tyrant. They're mostly just old guys in military uniforms.
Rome: An empire that was the premier power in the western world from 509 BC to 476 AD, exerting tremendous influence on the surrounding areas before eventually falling. Rome (Or Italy as it is now known) now has little major influence on the world around it.
Spain: An empire that was the premier power in the western world from 1469 to the early 1600s, exerting tremendous influence on the surrounding areas before eventually falling. Spain now has little major influence on the world around it.
Britain: An empire that was the premier power in the western world from, you know what, this seems awfully familiar, doesn't it?
The United States of America: An empire that was the premier power in the western world from 1950 to 2018, exerting tremendous influence on the surrounding areas before eventually falling. The United States now has little major influence on the world around it.
Population explosion: Wow, this sounds pretty gross. What, did everyone in an entire nation eat napalm or something?
El Hechizado: Mentally disturbed, horribly inbred, disabled heir to the Spanish throne. He died at the age of 39, which must have sucked, but he didn't have to go to school, had his every whim attended to, and had a super-awesome nickname, so he must have had it pretty good.

AP Euro Study Guide*

The Holy Roman Empire: A poorly run country that ended up falling apart, which is a shame since it had a really cool name.

Prussia: Pretty much the same as the Holy Roman Empire with a lamer name.

Peasants: A large group of people, comprising up to 95% of the population in some nations. Unfortunately, the only things they ever seem to do is grow wheat and die.

Bismarck: Total prick.

Socialism: The idea that resources should be shared more equally so as to create lower extremes of wealth and poverty, which sounds like a great idea until you realize that one of the founders of socialism also thought the seas would turn into lemonade. So, yeah, it’ll never work.

World War One: A long, incredibly violent and bloody war in which little to nothing was gained by either side, fought over relatively petty disputes between nations. After the war it was assumed by the survivors that the concept war was so pointless that no war would ever be fought again.

World War Two: Living proof that people never learn

Spoken word poetry: Never mentioned in the entire AP Euro course, so it can’t be that important.

Spider Man: Also never mentioned, which is sad since he could have totally won much any of the wars in five minutes or so.

Machiavelli: Speaking of Spider Man, it would have been so cool if  he and Machiavelli had duked it out, since Machiavelli was basically a super villain.

Newton’s Laws of Gravity: A relatively minor scientific advancement that for some reason spurred people to automatically assume that everything on earth and the universe was perfectly logical and rational.

Fairies: Small female humanoids with wings who peasants were scared of for some reason.

Joseph Stalin: There’s another guy who Spider Man could have fought.

Yellow Journalism: Awesome.

How Many Angels Could Dance on the Head of a Pin?: A question long debated by scholastic medivial monks. The quest for the answer was abandoned around the beginning of the Renisance, five minutes before they would have found out the answer was eight.

The Americas: Introduced in unit 1 when Columbus found it, immediately forgotten until we totally saved Europe in World War II.

Edina unveils "Homecoming Vision 2014"

 

Although a poll showed that 89% of Edina High School students classified the 2013 homecoming as “Moderately successful”, EHS principal Dr. Bruce Locklear said in an interview that he didn’t think that the school “Pulled off the best homecoming we could have. I mean, we’re a school that is willing to spend thousands of dollars on various technological initiatives. Would it be too much to ask for the school to build a giant animatronic hornet to fly above the parade and pick off the rowdier bystanders?”

In response to the criticism the Edina School Board, in conjunction with the elected student council penned a 5-point plan for how improve the spirit week, homecoming parade, football game, and dance for next year. The plan, known as Edina Homecoming Vision 2014, is as follows:

- Introduce edgier spirit days such as revolutionary day, tattoo day, and surrealism day so as to create a much more interesting kind of school spirit.

- In response to complaints that the parade “Goes too slowly” by Dr. Locklear, create super-fast parade of cars, each going between 60 and 80 miles per hour. The usually walking features of the parade, such as the band, clown corps, and latin club will have to either ride in a motor vehicle or learn how to march really, really fast.

- Win homecoming game by playing against a fake team made up of manequins, the elderly, and cross country runners.

- Control weather by using magic or, failing, that, a super-powerful weather machine. Use it to create torrential winds and lightning strikes on the visitor side of the stadium and good weather for the home side.

- Instead of letting students pick their own dates or groups, pre-assign students with groups and dates of similar academic ability so as to force students to interact with their intellectual peers.

The 5-point plan, though generally well-received by both students and the rest of the edina citizenry, there are some well known community members who have spoken out against the vision. The most prominent opponent of the plan is Fredrick Paulsen, a 79 year-old who claims to have lived in the city of edina for his entire life. He says “Since I was young, every single homecoming was the same. Using new-fangled technology to destroy bold edina traditions such as not using a weather machine and not rigging the football game would end our sense of community.”

Why don't we learn the important things in school?*

What is the point of learning about Bismarck's unification of Germany? Why do we have to find out exactly what the difference is between common logarithms and natural logarithms? How will knowing how an atom is constructed be important later in life? As a junior at Edina High School, not a single one of my teachers has given me a satisfactory answer to any of those questions, and I am just about sick of it. Seriously, when will the teachers cut the crap and tell us the right and wrong ways to slay a Minotaur?

Sitting in any of my classes, whether the lesson is learning how to play basketball or how to conjugate the spanish verb ir, I often hear students ask the same question over and over, “Why are we learning these things? There is no way this will help me in real life.” And we students are right. Far too many teachers teach pointless filler instead of focusing on the sort of thing that will land us a job later on, things like how to duel The Mythical Faceless Fencer of Vogsmath while avoiding having your soul sucked out by his Cursed Darkslayer Blade.

And this isn’t the first time I’ve tried to start a dialogue about this sort of thing. I remember, when we were being prepped to take the PSAT just a few weeks ago, the teacher asked if there were any questions about the test. I raised my hand and asked him the question that all teachers should be forced to defend their lesson plan against. “Why are we sitting here doing this when right this second you could be instructing us on the proper method of ritualistically burning fairies so as to appease The High Necromancers of Gleshdale so they won’t curse our town with a poor millet harvest season?”

And guess what? The teacher just rolled his eyes and asked if there were any real questions, as though wanting to know how to lower the fairy population and save the village from starvation weren’t real concerns!

Another thing, why is there so much emphasis in the classroom about preparation for college? Not everyone has to go to college. Thomas Edison didn’t study at a university, and neither did Albert Einstein or Sir Godric of Yeldrin, Champion Knight of Archenslen and Slayer of The Great Basilisk!

Perhaps I’m exaggerating. Maybe there is some deeper meaning to all the rote memorization and mindless testing. Then again, what could it be? Maybe they’re trying to teach us the answers to all the riddles The Great Sphinx of Johelsin could ask us, or perhaps they want us to be able to speak with The Philosophers Supreme of the Highest Chambers competently. But more and more, it seems that they keep trying to cram our heads filled with meaningless knowledge just so that the teachers can get their paycheck, move us through the system, and eventually sell us for slave labor in The Accursed Dimension of Fire and Bones.

Ten ways to know that you're a nineties child*

1. You can’t keep straight whether Utah and Hawaii are states or not.

2. You laugh when a woman tells you she’s going to go voting.

3. Your money-making plan involves mining gold in Yukon’s Klondike region.

4. You still haven’t gotten around to picking a side in the Pulitzer-Hearst rivalry.

5. Whenever someone refers to “The Good War”, you assume they’re talking about the Spanish-American war.

6. You still think of Teddy Roosevelt as the Secretary of the Navy.

7. You can’t stand all the Irish pouring into the country.

8. You still haven’t gotten over the evil Spaniard imperialists exploding the U.S.S. Maine.

9. Your “Free Dreyfuss Now!” T-shirt is still in your closet.

10. You still hope that your colonies in Asia and Africa could someday turn a profit.