In a press conference held this week by writers for The Onion, Last Week Tonight, The Daily Currant, and other satirical news and humor outlets, satirists from around the world pleaded with the current Democratic and Republican party presidential frontrunners to stop being quite so wacky.
“You see, the natural order of things has always been that politicians talk about things in a relatively reasonable way, and we satirists blow it out of proportion with over-the-top hyperbole and straight up nonsense,” said noted humorist Shawn Walker of The Rope, echoing the sentiment of thousands like him. “But between Ben Carson’s low-volume insanity, Bernie Sanders’ crazy socialist uncle thing, and just about everything that has to do with Donald Trump, basically every joke we try so hard to craft is somehow less zany than what is actually happening in the caucuses.
“Even the institution candidates have been making better headlines than us,” said an increasingly exasperated Walker. “What with Jeb Bush’s mom in his campaign ad and Hillary Clinton’s deep seated obsession with power, we’re one or two hilariously tragic scandals away from being out of work.”
Citing Sarah Palin’s rambling and highly controversial endoresement of Trump, Carson’s repeated visits to Waco, Texas for no apparent reason, and Bernie Sanders’ campaign ad that’s just Simon and Garfunkel music playing while people carrying goats around, the panel of high ranking satarists begged candidates to scale back on horribly misinformed opinions and absurd statements for just a few months so that the satirical news marketplace can recover.
“A few months ago we came up with this article, ‘Donald Trump Shoots Someone in the Middle of Fifth Avenue, Nothing Changes,’ but then he went and basically stole it out from under our feet,” said Walker. “Seriously, it’s like these idiots have been reading our notes.”
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