Mattel Vows to Bring Gritty Realism to Barbie

In a response to decades of complaints by feminists that their line of dolls don’t represent real life in terms of body image, diversity, or occupation, Mattel executives announced a total redesign of the Barbie franchise this week. “We’ve taken things in a very new direction,” said Mattel CEO  Christopher Acer. “Don’t worry, it’ll be the same doll that girls across America know and love, but it will be infused with a new, gritty, disturbing realism.”

In Acer’s statement, he revealed that the new line of toys, which will be available by Christmas, will represent the harsh, realistic lives many of today’s girls will one day face. “There Barbies will no longer be idle, rich homemakers. Our new line will feature Barbies who battle such demons as drug addiction, morbid obesity, underage pregnancy, and not being very good at math.”

The press release was accompanied by several photos of upcoming toy sets. One, entitled “Barbie’s Dream Car,” is a miniaturized model of a rusted 1980 Honda Civic. The set will retail for 12.99 and will include a working glove compartment with an unregistered handgun, $1,232 in unpaid parking tickets, and a photo of her beloved Ken, who, in this version of the Barbe legendarium, was killed in a drug deal gone bad last year.

Another playset to be released is an updated version of “Barbie’s Dream House,” with architecture based on on the slums of Detroit. This toy, costing a heftier $128.99, comes with a bathroom overflowing with backed up sewage, a room exclusively for using cocaine, and a miniature eviction notice on the unhinged front door.

The new line of Barbie figures also attempts to counter the criticism that Barbie’s pink aesthetic and housewife themes make the toys too gender specific by including multiple graphically violent toy sets. “We’re looking to expand our market beyond just girls ages three to ten,” said Acer. “Why, I’d like to think a boy of any age would love our upcoming ‘Ken’s Last Stand’ figure, including twelve different kinds of toy guns and a Ken figure that really bleeds!”