Wii-U sky-rockets in sales, combination of Mario-Kart 8 and power to absolve sin

Despite terrible sales for the first part of the year, the new Nintendo gaming console has recently shot up in sales over the past few weeks. In the past month alone sales have increased 800%, bringing the struggling Japanese gaming company Nintendo into the black in terms of profits.

Why the sparked popularity? Nintendo sales executive manager Hubert Jameston explained it to reporters. “Part of it is obviously interest in Mario Kart 8, the newest installment in the Mario Kart series. The part, other part is, of course, the fact that purchasing a Wii U can absolve you or one of your loved ones of guilt for any past misdeeds.”

Many economic experts are attributing the spike in sales to the Wii U’s current, aggressive ad campaign. Jameston explained that, too, saying, “We were very careful about where we placed the ads. We made sure that ads for Mario Kart 8 went on kid’s shows, highlighting the game’s exciting premise and bright visuals. Likewise, we made sure that we put commercials that highlight the Wii U’s power to clean the moral conscience of even the most tortured soul on situational comedies, which are only watched by sad, lonely peopled riddled with regret.”

Top ten Edina-themed horror movies

1. After 15 Minutes, If There’s No Teacher, You Can Leave Class… If You’re Still Alive.
2. Combatative Time
3. Dial P for Pre-Ap English 10-related Swamp Monster
4. The Writer’s Blood
5. All the Teacher’s Assistants are Zombies!
6. Who would have thought the Edina Hornet had a taste for human flesh?
7. EPAC: Edina Psychotic-Arsonist Center
8. Who would have thought the Edina Hornet had a taste for human flesh 2: The Minnetonka Skipper gets in on the action!
9. Don’t break the iPhone screen… or the iPhone screen breaks you!
10. Trying to get out of the parking lot

Cross country team forgets to stop running

Confusion and panic set in a little less than two weeks ago as the entirety of the boys section of the Edina Cross Country team, including the middle school, junior varsity, and varsity subsections, failed to return from a standard 47-minute run. While many feared the worst for the approximately 200 runners, aged 12-to-19, satellite photos and eyewitness reports confirmed that the athletes were unharmed but had simply forgotten to stop running.

The team was first reported in a farm a few miles outside outside the metro area. They were then found by various locals in South Dakota, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and California. The team seems to be heading Southwest, completely unaware that they were supposed to turn around several thousand miles ago.

“Yep, I saw em’,” said Earl Pickett, a Dakotan insurance salesman who apparently glimpsed the horde of teenaged students as they passed through his hometown of Aberdeen. “A bunch of kids runnin’ through the street. Most of them without any shirts on, all sweaty lookin’.”

While many parents initially feared that their children would suffer from extreme exhaustion, the runners seem to be suffering no ill effects from their 340 consecutive hours of running. In fact, even the 7th graders who only had a few week’s worth of practice seem to be keeping up remarkably well with the rest of the pack.

The Southern View was able to get an exclusive interview with one of the runners. While driving alongside them in a van, we were able to talk to Anthony Moore, a sophomore at Edina High School and a junior varsity runner.

“Yeah, this run is going pretty well,” said Moore as he finished his 929th mile, now running through the outskirts of Boulder, Colorado. “I guess I’m kind of tired, but that’s to be expected for a long run at this point in the season. It’s nice that they got the whole team to do a run together.”

Throughout the entire interview, Moore seemed entirely oblivious to the fact that he had been running day and night for around a week at that point. In fact, the only time he appeared even mildly aware of his surroundings was when he noted, “This is kind of a different part of Edina than I’m used to.”

Some experts suggest that the cross country team might turn around when they reach the Pacific Ocean. Others predict that they will either run North, up through Oregon and Washington to Canada, or south into Mexico and Central America.

How many of these Edina football games have you been to?

Think you're a big fan of the Edina Football team? Well, find out by seeing how many of these famous games you've been to.

[ ]. The one where the band forgot to stop playing.

[ ]. The one where the commentator forgot how football worked.

[ ]. The one we lost, but that didn't matter since the true meaning of football is to homogenize the community into an ambiguous whole with a fervent hatred for the other team.

[ ]. The one that took place under water.

[ ]. The one that took place in space.

[ ]. The one that took place atop a gigantic 2003 Nintendo GameCube.

[ ]. The one where everyone was so filled with existentialist horror that no game was actually played.

[ ]. The one we won.

[ ]. The one that was a perfect encapsulation of survival of the fittest.

[ ]. The one that never happened, but everyone claims happened because they do not want to face the truth of what happened that night.

[ ]. The one that, in the grand scheme of things, didn't really matter.

[ ]. The one where a mysterious player in an Edina uniform grabbed the ball, ran through the end zone, then just kept running.

[ ]. The one with a very polite and modest streaker.

[ ]. The one where the audience had to sit perfectly still and be silent so they could truly enjoy the game.

[ ]. The one that I left sad and alone. Sad and alone. Sad and alone. Sad and alone. Sad and alone.

Area man wishes someone "Happy Tuesday"

In an unprecedented breaching of basic human logic, area man Paul Kathin actually uttered the words “Happy Tuesday” to neighbor Gareth Larson.

“It was so strange!” recounted Larson to a crowd of his friends and loved ones who flocked to him to hear of the whimsical and absurd experience. “I walked by when he was mowing his lawn. I said hi. Then he turned around and said ‘Happy Tuesday’! I tried to stay calm on the inside, but my head was flooding with questions. Why had he told me happy Tuesday? Was this Tuesday anything special? Or was today some bizarre holiday that I hadn’t heard of before?”

Experts confirmed that, while the day in question was in fact Tuesday, there was no reason in particular to celebrate it. In fact, studies indicate that Kathin would have been less likely to celebrate that day than any other day, as he had 32% more work that the previous day and had recently gotten in an argument with his wife.”

“Maybe he’s one of those optimistic guys who always tries to stay positive. I sure hope not. Wow, I can’t believe that I’ve been living next door to a weirdo like this for almost a decade.”

4 Movies with HUGE plotholes

It doesn’t take a genius to know that they don’t teach math, science, logic, or really anything other than making movies in film school. Even the most beloved films are actually based around plots that anyone could tell you MAKE NO SENSE! 

1. The Toy Story Trilogy: Everyone knows the classic tale of Woody, Buzz, and the gang. One of the most critically acclaimed and commercially successful kids film series of all time, what’s not to love? Well, for one thing, the fact that it could never happen in real life! The guys over at pixar might not have figured it out yet, but toys simply don’t come to life. It’s true! To prove this, we used hidden cameras to film a box full of toys for literally thousands of hours. And after looking through that footage, none of it gave firm evidence that toys were sentient or even alive. Maybe John Lasseter and the rest of his dim-witted animators should spend less time on plot and visual and more on scientific research.

2. The Princess Bride: A cult classic, many people only see the candy coated fantasy portrayed rather than the logical reality. The movie is sprinkled with magic and other clearly fictitious concepts, but the real kicker comes near the climax when Buttercup’s love of Weasley brings him back to life. Despite thousand of attempts, true love has never brought any human heart beating again, nor has it ever actually had any positive effects for that matter.

3. The Hunger Games: Many fans around the world praised the movie and book series as a stunning satire of American society, oblivious to the obvious fact that it could never actually happen. Obviously Susan Collins never took a fifth-grade level government class, or she would know that this futuristic America of hers could never take place. For one thing, the government sanctioned death-fights of the Hunger Games are clearly in violation of the 8th amendment. Not to mention that President Snow would have long ago had to retire with the mandated cap of 2 presidential terms.

4. Gravity: Here’s a message for Alfonso Cuaron: It’s not the 1960s anymore. Had he spent less time bloating his movie with over-the-top graphics and more time researching his subjects, he’d know that space travel has been proven impossible. The so-called “Moon landing” of 1969 was exposed as a hoax years ago. All manned spacecrafts have been blasted down by Zeus's lightning, for the king of the gods does not trust mortal to enter the heavens. Seriously, Hollywood, get a clue.

Driver's Ed study guide

Ambulances: Can speed and go through red lights whenever they want. Lucky jerks!

Stop lights

-Green Light: Means that you can go, something you learned at the age of four, which is pretty strange if you think about it. The only place you could use that knowledge at that age would be Uruguay.

-Yellow Light: If you encounter one of these you should stop, unless you need to be somewhere right now and can floor the gas.

-Red Light: Traffic would go 95% faster were these eliminated.

-Blue Light: Used by the Japanese instead of green lights. Weirdos.

-Orange Lights: Replaced all other lights to celebrate halloween in the town of Austin, Texas, in the year 1987. This confused many drivers and the ensuing car crashes and overall fear put everyone in the halloween spirit!

Brown Sign: Indicates a historical marker or recreation area nearby. This doesn’t seem like the important life-or-death info you should be learning in driver’s ed, does it?

Stop Signs: Purely optional.

Hydroplaning: Not sure what this is, exactly, but it sure sounds fun.

Distracted driving: A dangerous tendency, especially among young drivers, which causes crashes every day and blah blah blah blah blah blah just use your best judgement and you’ll be fine.

Seat belts: Useful little devices that are supposed to do something or other, although I forgot what exactly. I hope this doesn’t come up on the test.

Learner’s Permit: Seems great until you realize that you can only drive if your mom rides along.

Cyclists: Have the same rights as cars, despite being a bunch of entitled, snobby elitists who can’t help but rub it in that they’re in better shape than you.

HOV lane: A special lane designated for… Hovercrafts?

If you get into an accident: The best course of action is usually to panic, begin hyperventilating and maybe sweat profusely. Next, blabber incoherently to yourself for a moment and run off screaming into the night.

Exemplary Permit: A special license given only to straight-A students, allowing them the same rights as ambulance drivers.