Overly Complex Prom-Posal Goes Horribly Wrong

Sources confirmed that last night senior Wallace Ginsburg sat, watching the flaming wreckage burn down, and considered that perhaps he had been a tad bit too ambitious with his prom-posal for senior Sandy Ross.

“I mean, it would have been so awesome if it had worked,” said Ginsburg to reporters as firemen extinguished the last remaining flames coming from the burnt out husks of two crashed blimps. “I was going to ride in, stepping from one zepplin to the other, and then I’d press a switch that lit up burning letters behind me saying, ‘SR+WG=PROM?’ That’s when the fireworks were supposed to start.”

“I’d probably say that my big mistake was not making some sort of harness that kept the blimps from crashing into each other. Either that or having the hubris to think this would work in the first place,” said Ginsburg when asked what one fault led to Edina’s largest blimp explosion on record, with flames reaching higher and devouring more than even the Fethten Fiasco of 1934.

Ginsburg was said the most painful part was when he, “Visited Sandy in the burn ward of the hospital, and she said she was really honored and all, but Emrec Westlirb asked her last week.”

Edina League of Bathroom Idiots Announce Plans to Continue Talking Loudly

During their annual meeting last week, the Edina High School wing of the National League of Bathroom Idiots announced their plans to follow through on their mission statement to “make the lavatory-going experience as uncomfortable and unpleasant as possible” by continuing to speak loudly and abrasively about nothing in particular.

“In keeping with our five year plan to make urination a strange and unsettling experience for all EHS students who just want to piss in peace, we will keep yelling at each other about the drugs we did last weekend or how stupid our teachers are,” said Dill Jankord, leader of the LoBI.

“But we cannot and will not stop at making a big deal about someone’s sexual orientation when they use the urinal next to another person,” said an impassioned Jankord. “No, we must go further than that. I’m talking about leaving half eaten lunches in the stalls, stuffing the toilets with so many paper towels that they don’t flush properly, destroying the locks on the doors so you just have to put your backpack next to the door and hope no moron walks in on your, or removing the doors entirely! We’ve made great strides recently in destroying the EPAC bathroom so thoroughly that the staff 

closed it permanently, but we can’t stop there!”

At press time, the LoBI was interrupted by the OSBN (oversensitive bathroom ninnies) who demanded total cleanliness and silence in the lavatories at all time.

News in Pictures: Wow, Children’s Bible Really Not Toning Down the Violent Stuff

God Enraged by Incorrect Performance of “Father Abraham”

Audible screaming could be heard coming from the Heavens last Wednesday night as God, Lord Our Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth, threw a tantrum over an incorrect rendition of the “Father Abraham” song at a meeting of the Junior Worshipers of St. Harper’s Church in Ethenrail, Arkansas.

“First off,” yelled The Perfect and Most Wonderful Almighty as he threw down lightning bolts out of rage, “It goes ‘right arm, left arm,’ not ‘left arm right arm!’ Why, in my name, would children put the most sinful side of the body first? And, secondly, it really riles me up how those politically correct song leaders keep on singing, ‘Father Abraham had many sons (and daughters),’ instead of just sons! Including daughters goes against the Divine Truth of My Word, plus it doesn’t even fit with the rhythm! Seriously, these idiots are totally butchering a perfectly fine children’s hymn!”

At press time, the children and adult leaders continued happily singing, “Father Abraham had many sons (and daughters) and many sons (and daughters) had father Abraham! I am one of them, and so are you, so let’s just praise the Lord,” completely unaware that The Lord of The Universe had come to the decision to throw each and every one of them into hell.

Top Places to Hang out in Edina at Night

For whatever reason, Edinains seem to love complaining that we have no night life. And, sure, maybe we aren’t full of nightclubs the way New York is. Maybe you have to go to Minneapolis to find a major business open after ten o'clock on a Saturday night, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun in Edina after dark. So, without further ado, here are our top places to hang out in Edina at night:

1. The Emergency Room: required by law to be open from dusk-till-dawn, here’s a place where the party never stops! You can sit around and watch TV, flirt with hot nurses, or play with medical equipment, not to mention you can always find someone interesting to talk to in the waiting room. They’ll even give you a ride there if you don’t feel like driving yourself! The only hitch is that you have to be injured or infirm in some way before going, but if you have a severe nut allergy that should be as easy as (pecan) pie.
2. Pamela Park: The skating rink closes at ten, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t fun to be had! You can play fetch with the feral coyotes that live in the woods, walk around in half-frozen swamp muck, or fly a kite at night like some kind of disturbed ghost-child!
3. The Internet: Get real, it’s the 21st century! Who even needs to step foot outside when you can surf the web for hours on end in complete isolation, trying to combat your desperate loneliness with an ever growing circle of internet friends who you will never, ever form meaningful relationships with!
4. Fat Kensington's Basement: Fat Kensington is always up for a good time!
5. Games by James: Why is one game store at Southdale open every hour of every day when the rest of the mall opens and closes at regular business hours? Why do the employees never seem to change shifts, eat, or blink? How come everyone who wins Friday Night Magic suddenly disappears and the next day a poppet in their likeness appears for sale on the counter? Don’t worry about it! Just pop in at Games by James whatever time of day or night you want, and have a grand old time at Edina’s best source of board games, dice, and dark magic!
6. Sleep: Sure, why not?

Jaded Grade Schoolers Know Science Teacher Who Claims, “I Have the Fastest Thing in the Universe in This Closet” Can’t Deliver

This Tuesday, third graders at Harding Elementary School in Squeg Valley, Massachusetts, told reporters that they were pretty sure that their science teacher, Amy Davis, who had spent the past few minutes  telling them that she had the fastest thing in the universe in their class’s closet was, in the words of student Nicolle Park, “Full of crap.”

“I mean, there is no way a boring elementary school teacher with a shoe string budget can deliver on all the hype she’s been building,” said Park, echoing the sentiments of her joyless classmates, who watched Davis’s overacted enthusiasm with hardened ambivalence. “I mean, the way she’s going on with it you’d think she has a cheetah or a rocket ship or one of those really faster sprinter guys in the closet. But, no, it’s going to be some highly abstract science lesson where she explains how a broom or water is really the fastest thing in the universe.

“I let myself get carried away with the hype when our Spanish teacher told everyone that she had a superpower and everyone else could have one too. We all thought we were going to learn to fly or something, but no, it turned out her super power was being bi-lingual.”

At press time, when Davis opened the closet to reveal a lightbulb, which she then turned on and off, explaining that light is the single fastest entity, the class let out a deflated groan.

News in Pictures: Water Fountain Counting Every Dollar it Steals From Water Bottle Corporations

Priuses Now Coming With Pre-Installed “Bernie 2016” Bumper Stickers

In a bold move, the American branch of the auto manufacturer Toyota stated last week that they will now pre-install bumper stickers supporting Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ presidential bid in every one of their Prius models.

“We would like to make it clear that this is not an endorsement of Senator Sanders,” said Toyota Media Correspondent Herbert Turnen in a press conference last week. “It’s simply a time saving measure, since, using basic human logic and reasoning, one can deduce that more or less every Prius owner is going to put a Bernie sticker on at some point or another.”

“I mean, c’mon, if you’re passionate enough about climate change to want a hybrid car, and naive enough to think one car is going to make a difference, then there’s no doubt that you’re a Bernie supporter.”

Apparently the trend is spreading, as the “Hank and Davis Armory” chain of gun stores announced later this week that they will slap a big “Cruz 2016” sticker on every assault rifle.

Nation’s Satirists Plead With Presidential Candidates to Stop Doing Their Job For Them

In a press conference held this week by writers for The Onion, Last Week Tonight, The Daily Currant, and other satirical news and humor outlets, satirists from around the world pleaded with the current Democratic and Republican party presidential frontrunners to stop being quite so wacky.

“You see, the natural order of things has always been that politicians talk about things in a relatively reasonable way, and we satirists blow it out of proportion with over-the-top hyperbole and straight up nonsense,” said noted humorist Shawn Walker of The Rope, echoing the sentiment of thousands like him. “But between Ben Carson’s low-volume insanity, Bernie Sanders’ crazy socialist uncle thing, and just about everything that has to do with Donald Trump, basically every joke we try so hard to craft is somehow less zany than what is actually happening in the caucuses.

“Even the institution candidates have been making better headlines than us,” said an increasingly exasperated Walker. “What with Jeb Bush’s mom in his campaign ad and Hillary Clinton’s deep seated obsession with power, we’re one or two hilariously tragic scandals away from being out of work.”

Citing Sarah Palin’s rambling and highly controversial endoresement of Trump, Carson’s repeated visits to Waco, Texas for no apparent reason, and Bernie Sanders’ campaign ad that’s just Simon and Garfunkel music playing while people carrying goats around, the panel of high ranking satarists begged candidates to scale back on horribly misinformed opinions and absurd statements for just a few months so that the satirical news marketplace can recover.

“A few months ago we came up with this article, ‘Donald Trump Shoots Someone in the Middle of Fifth Avenue, Nothing Changes,’ but then he went and basically stole it out from under our feet,” said Walker. “Seriously, it’s like these idiots have been reading our notes.”

College Student Vows to Wear Bernie Sander T-Shirt Every Day Until Either The Democratic Establishment Calls off Its Attacks or His Mom Mails Him His Laundry

In what is either a move of bold political defiance or the actions of a boy who really, really needs a clean shirt, area college student Paul Tweten announced this morning that he would wear his shirt promoting Bernie Sanders every single day until the democratic establishment calls off its attack or his mom sends him some clean clothes.

"I will not back down on this," said Tweten, a Carleton freshman who has both enormous respect for the Vermont politician and a desperate need for more than one non-stained shirt. "The democratic establishment, and with it publications like The New York Times, have been bashing Bernie Sanders with everything they've got just because he tells it like it is and is looking for real change! I vow, until the democrat status-quo big wigs stop the attacks and apologize for their comments, or my mom mails me those shirts I sent her to wash a few weeks ago, that I will wear my Bernie Sanders shirt day-in-day-out!"

The shirt, which Tweten has been wearing day and night for forty eight hours, has been called by Tweten's peers both, "a symbol of defiance towards the liberal powers that be, who care more about the bottom line than about the working man," and, "really, really smelly."

Tweten, who, at press time, had not backed down on his firm stance, received clean clothes from his mother, or learned how to operate a washing machine on campus, called the fact that he was kicked out of World War Two History class due to body odor, "Simply a cost of my martyrdom, or maybe a sign that I need to buy a new shirt from the bookstore or something."