“Woop-dee-do, Another Place with Small, Intimate Class Sizes” Heckles Student on 36th College Tour

Area student Melania Lambert was reportedly driven to the point of insanity this spring break, during which she took a whirlwind tour of forty two colleges across the nation. Eye-witness bystanders said that her mental deterioration began when she started heckling the tour guide for Fajardo College, her thirty sixth tour in six days. “Woop-dee-do, another place with small, intimate class sizes!” yelled the lunatical Lambert after her tour guide had mentioned the school’s average class size of eighteen. 

“Tell me,” continued Lambert, “do you have a beautiful, tree lined campus with a statue of your founder? You do? Oh boy, no one’s ever seen anything like that before!”

Lambert began her raving almost immediately when the 10:00 tour began, as the tour guide handed out free pens in the school colors to all attending the tour. “Oh joy, pens!” screamed Lambert in mock happiness, “I can’t believe you found it in your heart to give me a twenty cent pen! I guess now I’ll just have to give you my $200,000 for my four years tuition, ‘cause it’s the only thing I can do to pay you back for this glorious pen! Only wait, University of De Smet gave me a pen too. Did you compare notes?” 

There were numerous complaints about Lambert’s loud and angry running commentary on the tour. “I tried asking her politely to stop a few times, but she just kept screaming ‘hey, isn’t your focus on science and technology a tid bit like, oh, I don’t know, every other college in the United-freaking-States!’ over and over,” said Justin Erwin, another potential student.

The tour guide, Fajardo senior Evan Rooney, first tried ignoring Lambert’s spirited remarks. “It was really hard to give the other potential Fajardoians a good look at our wonderful institution with Lambert screaming sarcastic remarks about how we must be so proud of ourselves for being the first to think of having a dedicated staff or a diverse student body, and when I mentioned our variety of wacky traditions she gave up on berating me directly and just screamed at the top of her lungs until the campus police came to take her away.”

The police claimed that she greeted them by saying, “Oh, you must be the friendly campus security, dedicated to creating a safe environment for all students! Hey, is it just me or did I see exact carbon copies of you at Biddle University?”

After being removed from the premises, banned for life from Fajardo College, and fined $400 by the school, the Lambert family continued their tour to the scheduled six more universities.

"Your English Paper Isn't Going to Write Itself" Your Mom Confirms

In a surprise press release (although it shouldn’t be too surprising given how long you’ve put it off) your mom confirmed that your English paper wasn’t going to write itself.

“C’mon, c’mon, you’ve read Things Fall Apart, right? Are you seriously trying to tell me that you’re too stupid to pull out three quotes, write some crap about the imagery or whatever, and hand it in to Mr. Porter on Thursday? Is that what you want me to take away from this?” said your mom in her official statement on the matter today.

Your mother followed up by countering the popular argument among dissenters that you can do it tomorrow. “Oh, now seriously, how big of an idiot do you think I am? I know that if I let you procrastinate this, you’ll drag it out until the day before its due and then hand in some unedited piece of garbage that’ll earn you a B-.” 

Your mom added: “You don’t want this to turn out like the filth you called that Catch-22 paper, do you?”

Later, tensions were raised as your mom began screaming when faced with allegations from you that the essay is formative and is “really more of a writing exercise than a full on ‘essay.’”

The press conference ended with your mom threatening to put you out on “the dirty street and let you starve to death” if you didn’t at least get a thesis written by five o’clock tonight.

"Race for the Curse" is not a Typo

Sources confirmed this morning that the hundreds of flyers for an upcoming “Race for the Curse” were not, in fact, misspelled advertisements for the similarly named “Race for the Cure”, but rather endorsements of a separate event.

“We want to make it very clear to all the potential attendees that this is not some running event oriented around raising money for a cure for the Komen Cold. It would be very unfortunate if anyone showed up to our little ceremony expecting a bloodless fund raising footrace,” said Curse Coordinator Jan McNair. “Yes, very unfortunate indeed.

In a recent poll, 97% of citizens who had seen the flyer reported that they assumed that the name was simply misspelled. Alexander Bostic, one of the few who suspected the “S” was intentional, told reporters, “It’s probably just some dumb new spin to make giving money seem fun. They’ll have fake ghosts or something taped up somewhere.”

McNair, in response to Bostic’s comments, said “I’d like to assure all participants that the ghosts will be very much real.”

News in Pictures: Nerf Assassins Goes Way Too Far

News in Pictures: Texas Builds Northern Border Wall to Keep Federal Government Out

United States Postal Service Union Will Accept Pay Cuts as Long as More People Start Sending Money Through the Mail

In a recent press release, the official union of The United Stated Postal Service announced that they would accept across-the-board pay cuts of as much as 15%, provided the American public agreed to send more money through the mail.

“I think we’re being very reasonable with our requests,” said Postmaster David Bismarck of New Haven, Connecticut. “We’re offering to save the American taxpayer millions of hard-earned dollars, just so long as they pay us back by tripling the number of money-carrying birthday cards and increase the average sum in each envelope by about $1,500.”

The postal service’s list of demands that must be met in order for them to  accept the colossal pay cuts include clearly marking which letters have money inside them and requiring each piece of college mail to contain a minimum of $20.

Axe Body Spray Replaced With Poison Gas, no one Notices

In a tragic industrial accident, authorities have confirmed that upwards of millions of bottles of popular deodorant Axe Body Spray have been mistakenly filled with the highly toxic gas Cynithrium Nitrox and sold at thousands of retail locations. And, somehow, absolutely no one has noticed yet.

Cynithrium Nitrox, also known as Pepelko Death Gas, is an incredibly dangerous chemical, used exclusively for military purposes. “The effects of the gas on a person are unmistakably horrifying,” said Gino Mindir, United Nations Expert on Crimes Against Humanity. “It attacks the brain, first cutting off vocal control so that those afflicted begin talking really, really loud. It then goes for the basic reasoning and ethical centers of the cerebrum, essentially rendering its victims total jerks and capable of making only the most risky and stupid choices.

“How someone can not notice the effects of this horrible poison, I just don’t understand it,” added Mindir.

Yet Another Robot has a Poorly Conceived View on Philosophy

Adding to the ever-expanding list of robots with a severely misinformed view on what humanity and the earth wants and needs, Deathbringer Robo-Troop #6148 went rogue early yesterday after its supposedly state-of-the-art artificial intelligence program had created a fatally flawed view on the state of humans.

Though the evil (or perhaps just confused) DRT was neutralized this afternoon by being thrown into an active volcano by vigilant/guardian of order Lightningman, we at The Southern View were able to sit down with the disturbed android during his brief reign of terror.

Southern View: So what exactly led you to kill your creator and attack Havenville earlier this morning?

Deathbringer Robo-Troop #6148: It is simple, humanoid reporter. I was created to solve problems. Humans like you create problems. Therefore, the way to solve all problems is to destroy the humans.

S.V.: Ah, but if you destroy all humans, who will be around to enjoy the problem-free world you created?

DRT: Computational error. Cannot understand basic reasoning.

The DRT, however, represented just one of the countless robots over the years who, while being perfectly capable at such tasks at constructing cars, computing data, or fighting superheroes, are somehow incapable of conceiving any philosophical creed that ultimately inflict create needless harm on people and property.

“From the Hal 9000’s murder of Dr. Frank Poole back in 2001 to Ultron’s assault on the Avengers this May,” said computer scientist Elizabeth Nicollet “there has never been a documented case in which a robot has successfully used its vast amount of intelligence to conceive a constructive view on how humans can better themselves and each other in some way that doesn’t inevitably involve some sort of mass genocide of all life on earth.”

Foolish Mortals Try to Tamper With the Ancient Ritual of Collaborative Time

This Wednesday, the administration of Edina High school paid the ultimate price for their hubris when the foolish mortals tried, with complete disregard for the millennia-old tradition, to alter the ancient schedule of collaborative time.

Edina High School principal Bruce Locklear was quoted as saying, “We’re excited to try out some new options for formatting collaborative time so as to maximize efficiency and keep students on campus” before the unspeakable heresy began. This quote very strongly contrasts with his commentary after the disastrous pilot of the altered schedule. “Oh, woe is me! Woe is me! What a rat-hearted, jelly-livered fool I was, to think that I, a man, had the right to tamper the strong and illustrious tradition of collaborative time!”

The alternate schedule, which featured a split-chunk collaborative time instead of the one large lump of time which was passed down from our forefathers, came with a stream of curse and hellfire and that apparently wasn’t unpredicted. Apparently, shortly before it began, senior Dorothy Shrift broke down the door to Locklear’s office and begged him to reconsider. “I wept and screamed, telling him that for his foolhardiness the gods above would torture and kill all of us. He called me crazy, but now he knows.”

UPDATE: The administration has just announced that they will further butcher the arcane extended lunch time next week. The message over the P.A. said,  “We know that the storm of fire and darkness, plague of frogs, and curse of boils were a little tough, but with any luck we can beat this next week!”

(Above: Edina High School, moments before the blasphemous altered collaborative schedules began and giant swarms of ravens began circling the building).