“Woop-dee-do, Another Place with Small, Intimate Class Sizes” Heckles Student on 36th College Tour

Area student Melania Lambert was reportedly driven to the point of insanity this spring break, during which she took a whirlwind tour of forty two colleges across the nation. Eye-witness bystanders said that her mental deterioration began when she started heckling the tour guide for Fajardo College, her thirty sixth tour in six days. “Woop-dee-do, another place with small, intimate class sizes!” yelled the lunatical Lambert after her tour guide had mentioned the school’s average class size of eighteen. 

“Tell me,” continued Lambert, “do you have a beautiful, tree lined campus with a statue of your founder? You do? Oh boy, no one’s ever seen anything like that before!”

Lambert began her raving almost immediately when the 10:00 tour began, as the tour guide handed out free pens in the school colors to all attending the tour. “Oh joy, pens!” screamed Lambert in mock happiness, “I can’t believe you found it in your heart to give me a twenty cent pen! I guess now I’ll just have to give you my $200,000 for my four years tuition, ‘cause it’s the only thing I can do to pay you back for this glorious pen! Only wait, University of De Smet gave me a pen too. Did you compare notes?” 

There were numerous complaints about Lambert’s loud and angry running commentary on the tour. “I tried asking her politely to stop a few times, but she just kept screaming ‘hey, isn’t your focus on science and technology a tid bit like, oh, I don’t know, every other college in the United-freaking-States!’ over and over,” said Justin Erwin, another potential student.

The tour guide, Fajardo senior Evan Rooney, first tried ignoring Lambert’s spirited remarks. “It was really hard to give the other potential Fajardoians a good look at our wonderful institution with Lambert screaming sarcastic remarks about how we must be so proud of ourselves for being the first to think of having a dedicated staff or a diverse student body, and when I mentioned our variety of wacky traditions she gave up on berating me directly and just screamed at the top of her lungs until the campus police came to take her away.”

The police claimed that she greeted them by saying, “Oh, you must be the friendly campus security, dedicated to creating a safe environment for all students! Hey, is it just me or did I see exact carbon copies of you at Biddle University?”

After being removed from the premises, banned for life from Fajardo College, and fined $400 by the school, the Lambert family continued their tour to the scheduled six more universities.