The Southern View's Guide to Manners

• It is impolite to speak with your mouth full unless the net worth of the food in there exceeds $200.
• If you are asked “Where are you applying to college?”, “Where are you going to college?”, or “Where did you go to college?”, the only proper response is “Yale, of course!”
• If you absolutely must stab someone, do it with the salad fork (and remember to use your left hand, for goodness sakes!)
• Children are not to be seen, heard, smelled, but tasting them is okay.
• Only drink bottled water.
• If you are addressing someone older, richer, or of higher breeding than yourself, bow whenever they pass and call them “sir” or “ma’am”.
• If you are a wealthy, inbred greezer, then enjoy your right to act like a total prick.
• If you’re in the South, don’t mention the Civil War.
• There are only a handful of respectable professions. They are: factory owner, yellow journalist, prison owner, drunken writer, or being of noble blood.
• If you are wondering about a person’s place in society, ask to see their cane.
• If it is just a regular wooden cane, they’re an impoverished groundling, so their correct title is Mr. or Mrs.
• If it has a sword inside it, they’re slightly more affluent so call them sir or ma’am.
• If it shoots lightning, they’re really something, so it’s probably best to calls them “Your Highness”.
• If it shoots a very small nuclear missile, calls them “senator”.
• If you are insulted, how you respond should be decided by your gender.
• If you are a man, challenge the insulter to a duel, using the dueling rules set down in The Duelist’s Codex.
• If you are a woman, cover your mouth in a ladylike fashion, say “Heavens to Betsy!” in an offended manner, then challenge your insulter to a duel using the rules set down in The Duelist’s Codex: Woman’s Edition.

• Obviously the world was a more civilized a long time ago, so, as a general rule of thumb, try to emulate the language and mannerisms of the people back in 2005.