Area Church has Been Making up Scripture for Twenty Years

After a cell phone video of a sermon entitled “What Jesus IV’s Journey to Neptune Says About Mercy,” went viral among faith-centric message boards, Reverend Raymond Olson of St. James’s Episcopal Church in Minnetonka has admitted to fabricating scripture for roughly twenty years now.

In his tell-all press conference with various religiously affiliated news stations this Monday, Rev. Olson told reporters, “after about three years of this preaching gig, I ran through most of the parts of the bible. I didn’t know that you were allowed to use stuff twice, so after revisiting the racey stuff from Song of Solomon and the apocalyptic crap from Revelations and the rest of the stuff I didn’t read the first time round, I figured I might as well just make stuff up.”

“It wasn’t hard,” Rev. Olson continued. “And I had a pretty good time doing it.”

Rev. Olson’s personally written scripture, which includes up to eight testaments, twenty gods, and a “Christmas Special” in which Santa teams up with The Holy Spirit, Rehoboam, and The Parenting God to teach bratty children not to whine if they don’t get what they want every second of every day.

Defending his actions, Rev. Olson claimed that he, “tried to stay close to the spirit of the scripture.” Rev. Olson said, “For example, in the bible, you always see Jesus talking about how it’s everyone’s duty to take care of the dredges of society. So, in the same vein, I wrote up some scripture in which Jesus says, ‘please, someone, take care of the penniless, namely Reverend Raymond Olson’s poor grandfather, who was just kicked out of his fourth nursing home last week because he smokes constantly and is, like, super racist. Anyone who does this will be smiled upon by my father.’”

Surprisingly, even after being made aware of this constant deception, most of Rev. Olson’s congregation remains faithful to their leader. Edina High School Senior Jonathon Hilburn said, “I don’t care if it’s all pretend, Rev. Olson’s teachings molded me into the good citizen I am today. His sermon about David and Goliath made me believe that all things are possible with the power of God, and his sermon about The Boy Who Smoked Marijuna Once and Flunked Out of School and Later Went to Hell kept me away from drugs.”