Star Wars!

        With the newest installment of the world famous space opera Star Wars hitting theaters tonight, hundreds of thousands have bought tickets to see Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Lightsaber, and Ewok Star Wars Jango Fett Death Star space Star Wars.
        Director J.J. Abrams told reporters this Wookie, “Storm Trooper Star Wars clones droids Star Wars Jedi the Force Anakin Darth Vader Star Wars outer space astromech pod racers The Sith.”
         Scriptwriter Jar Jar Binks told Kylo Ren, “December 18th, record sales, Bantha, the ice planet of Hoth, Jedi council. Anger, hate, and death.” Soccer ball droid Lightsaber design sparked controversy internets my Wattpad fanfiction not published because J.J. Abrams is a wench.
        Aliens. Aliens all everywhere all the time.

        However, the expanded Universe did Star Wars in the musical score while J.J. Abrams Cloud City with Senator Palpatine and General Grievous. The child of this unholy union will be given to Uncle Owen the Ewok Senator Palpatine The Force. Despite Order 66 did Star Wars continue on with The Jedi Council Chewbacca Han Solo death surrounds us. Meanwhile, one hundred million dollars opening night alone, annoying chewing at the back of my head while God does Original Trilogy. Betrayal of ex-girlfriend in Bantha did anger, hate, and death but not hope or joy in this cold and Ewok universe warmed by a cold, indifferent sun while ISIS, WWII imagery, WWII PTSD, Guernica, gender wars, nerd burning! Fear mad anger hate death. Star Wars.

News in Pictures: It Happened Again

 

How Many of These Edina High School Bathrooms Have you Used?

• The one reserved exclusively for the use of illicit drugs
• The one with the very polite graffitti
• The one that’s only unlocked on midnight of the winter solstice
• The one haunted by the ghost of a girl killed by a Basilisk. But she’s not Moaning Myrtle and gets really ticked off if you call her “Myrtle”
• The other one reserved exclusively for the use of illicit drugs
• The Museum of Broken Souls
• The one that is for Hip Hop Dance Team members only
• The nice one
• The third one that is reserved exclusively for the use of illicit drugs

America Pretty Happy to Finally Have a Common Enemy in Trump

Following Donald J. Trump’s highly controversial comments over the past months, people, communities, and organizations around the nation reported feeling “pretty great” that they finally had a common enemy to complain about and work against.

“It’s been a long time since the nation has agreed nearly unanimously on anything at all. Having everyone in consensus that a major political candidate’s views are horrifying is a nice change of pace,” said Andrew Allegro, an accountant from Farrand, Texas, echoing the feeling of pleasant unanimity expressed by other such sources as President Barack Obama, The National Council of Chess Players, The Church of Latter Day Saints, Senator Jeff Sessions, Amco Chair Manufacturers, the city of Detroit, Michigan, Squeg Valley piano tuner Alfred Pinto, and much of the Republican Party.

“Seriously,” said Allegro, “it’s super swell to be able to bring up politics with coworkers, friends, family, farmers, minorities, my religious community, middle schoolers, vagrants, or virtually any combination of American citizens at all, and be able to agree on our blinding hatred of Mr. Trump.”

At press time cartoonist Stephen Patsis, the Elron family, the entire state of New York, most Huffington Post commenters, business manager Rebecca Telse, and more remained completely baffled as to how Trump was still the Republican frontrunner despite his controversial comments offending Muslims, immigrants, women, and, well, pretty much everybody.

Area Church has Been Making up Scripture for Twenty Years

After a cell phone video of a sermon entitled “What Jesus IV’s Journey to Neptune Says About Mercy,” went viral among faith-centric message boards, Reverend Raymond Olson of St. James’s Episcopal Church in Minnetonka has admitted to fabricating scripture for roughly twenty years now.

In his tell-all press conference with various religiously affiliated news stations this Monday, Rev. Olson told reporters, “after about three years of this preaching gig, I ran through most of the parts of the bible. I didn’t know that you were allowed to use stuff twice, so after revisiting the racey stuff from Song of Solomon and the apocalyptic crap from Revelations and the rest of the stuff I didn’t read the first time round, I figured I might as well just make stuff up.”

“It wasn’t hard,” Rev. Olson continued. “And I had a pretty good time doing it.”

Rev. Olson’s personally written scripture, which includes up to eight testaments, twenty gods, and a “Christmas Special” in which Santa teams up with The Holy Spirit, Rehoboam, and The Parenting God to teach bratty children not to whine if they don’t get what they want every second of every day.

Defending his actions, Rev. Olson claimed that he, “tried to stay close to the spirit of the scripture.” Rev. Olson said, “For example, in the bible, you always see Jesus talking about how it’s everyone’s duty to take care of the dredges of society. So, in the same vein, I wrote up some scripture in which Jesus says, ‘please, someone, take care of the penniless, namely Reverend Raymond Olson’s poor grandfather, who was just kicked out of his fourth nursing home last week because he smokes constantly and is, like, super racist. Anyone who does this will be smiled upon by my father.’”

Surprisingly, even after being made aware of this constant deception, most of Rev. Olson’s congregation remains faithful to their leader. Edina High School Senior Jonathon Hilburn said, “I don’t care if it’s all pretend, Rev. Olson’s teachings molded me into the good citizen I am today. His sermon about David and Goliath made me believe that all things are possible with the power of God, and his sermon about The Boy Who Smoked Marijuna Once and Flunked Out of School and Later Went to Hell kept me away from drugs.”