All Presidential Candidates to Receive Personalized Participation Awards

In a surprise bipartisan effort to raise the confidence and self esteem of the thirty or more presidential candidates, leaders from both parties released statements this friday that, from now on, after every debate, every candidate will receive a participation award.

“We realize that, in the end, only one of these people is going to get to the nomination and, ultimately, the presidency,” said GOP coordinator Bryan Horowitz in a press release. “But that’s no reason to make all the other candidates feel badly about themselves. Therefore, we as a nation have come together to make sure that all the presidential candidates, regardless of cruelty, incoherence, or idiocy, gets something to make them feel special.”

Leaked photos of the awards show trophies with a cheap plastic statue of a person clutching a podium and making wildly erratic hand gestures atop a granite base. On the granite base will be a plaque with, “Good job!” along with a space for the candidate's name and a personalized message to make them feel better about themselves.

While it’s still anyone’s guess what the actual personalized designations will be, many have speculated that Carly Fiorina will be recognized as the “Best Woman Who Isn’t a Clinton,” Hillary Clinton will get, “Best Clinton Besides That Other One,” Bernie Sanders may receive, “Best Reboot of an Ideology,” Lincoln Chafee will get, “Best Effort,” and Ben Carson will be named, “Most Special.”

The American public has show roaring approval of the new system. “I’m very glad they finally chose to recognize the presidential candidates who aren’t always the most popular or good looking,” said committed voter Anna Fischer. “In the American political system, like any elementary school soccer league or Cub Scout Pinewood Derby Race, everyone needs their moment in the spotlight.”

One side effect of this program has been a huge surge in new presidential candidates. One such new candidate, John Harvey, an accountant from Chicago currently running on a Libertarian platform, told reporters, “I honestly know there’s no way I’m going to win this thing. But I’ve been down in the dumps ever since my dog died and my wife left me, so a participation trophy could be a real pick-me-up.”

Leaked Government Reports Reveal Gym Class as an Elaborate Experiment on Cruelty

 

A leaked government report released as early as this weekend revealed that the institution of mandatory gym class, which has purported as a form of physical exercise for centuries, has actually been a worldwide experiment to test the limits of human cruelty.

The reports in question, which were uploaded to WikiLeaks at 3:42 sunday morning, featured a government psychologist’s in-depth analysis of a recent game of dodgeball game played in an elementary school in Raleigh, North Carolina. The report contained sixty pages of explanation for how the underaged minds coped with the mix of dehumanization, physical pain, blinding rage, and boredom inherent in the game.

“It is particularly interesting how Ronald W. had an inherent tendency to laugh cruelly whenever he saw that he had succeeded in inducing physical pain on one of his fellow students, illustrating that children are capable of total villainy when placed under the correct conditions,” wrote Dr. Daniel Helsten P.hD, the author of this particular report.

Things Only Mixed Race, Libertarian, Bisexual, 30 Rock Fan, Bear Attack Survivors Will Understand

• People can ask the stupidest questions, whether about your sexuality, heritage, or the origin of all those weird scars on your back.

• It’s okay to feel torn, whether literally between the two cultures you were born into, or physically between the multiple bears tearing you limb-from-limb.
• The government doesn’t have the right to take your guns, tax you to death, deny you the right to marry whomever you choose. It’d be nice if it was easier to get health insurance for massive blood loss on a camping trip gone sour, though.
• Affirmative action is great, although it could be better if it gave preference to those of non-straight sexual orientations or survivors of attacks by feral animals.
• Some things in life you just don’t have any control over. You can’t just flip a switch and change who you love or who your parents are. You actually might have done something to stop seven grizzly bears from mauling you at Yellowstone National Park last summer, but what’s done is done.
• 30 Rock is pretty good.

New College Poster Outside Counseling Office Isn’t up to Snuff

Upcoming Events at EHS

November 18: The Edina Thespians will perform a mock plane crash to warn students about the dangers of improper air-traffic control communication and incorrect landing procedure.

• November 19: Doctor Locklear will hold a mandatory forum about the critical importance of attending mandatory forums.
• November 26: Edina School Board to sacrifice one newborn calf and 2,000 state-of-the-art Chromebooks to The God of Thankfulness.
• December 3: Sadie’s King and Queen to be coronated in a ceremony with side attractions such as a performance by the hip-hop dance team and a public execution of enemies of the crown.  
• December 4: The day of the annual Sadie’s dance, which will feature the first-ever use of fully-body x-ray scanners to keep out any and all students who are drunk, high, carrying illegal substances, or possess a corrupted soul.
• December 21: First day of Winter Solstice Break!

Mattel Vows to Bring Gritty Realism to Barbie

In a response to decades of complaints by feminists that their line of dolls don’t represent real life in terms of body image, diversity, or occupation, Mattel executives announced a total redesign of the Barbie franchise this week. “We’ve taken things in a very new direction,” said Mattel CEO  Christopher Acer. “Don’t worry, it’ll be the same doll that girls across America know and love, but it will be infused with a new, gritty, disturbing realism.”

In Acer’s statement, he revealed that the new line of toys, which will be available by Christmas, will represent the harsh, realistic lives many of today’s girls will one day face. “There Barbies will no longer be idle, rich homemakers. Our new line will feature Barbies who battle such demons as drug addiction, morbid obesity, underage pregnancy, and not being very good at math.”

The press release was accompanied by several photos of upcoming toy sets. One, entitled “Barbie’s Dream Car,” is a miniaturized model of a rusted 1980 Honda Civic. The set will retail for 12.99 and will include a working glove compartment with an unregistered handgun, $1,232 in unpaid parking tickets, and a photo of her beloved Ken, who, in this version of the Barbe legendarium, was killed in a drug deal gone bad last year.

Another playset to be released is an updated version of “Barbie’s Dream House,” with architecture based on on the slums of Detroit. This toy, costing a heftier $128.99, comes with a bathroom overflowing with backed up sewage, a room exclusively for using cocaine, and a miniature eviction notice on the unhinged front door.

The new line of Barbie figures also attempts to counter the criticism that Barbie’s pink aesthetic and housewife themes make the toys too gender specific by including multiple graphically violent toy sets. “We’re looking to expand our market beyond just girls ages three to ten,” said Acer. “Why, I’d like to think a boy of any age would love our upcoming ‘Ken’s Last Stand’ figure, including twelve different kinds of toy guns and a Ken figure that really bleeds!”