Millennials Can Hardly Wait for New Generation to Criticize

Millennials worldwide confirmed this week that they can barely contain their excitement and anticipation for the next generation to start coming into adulthood so they too could be named and extensively judged and criticized.

“Honestly, I was getting a little bit discouraged by the number of people on Facebook posting articles about my generation’s laziness, shallowness, and overreliance on technology,” said Kathy Klatt, one of the millions of people born between the years 1980 and 2000 and therefore categorized as a millennial. “But then I realized that, in fifteen years or so, we stop being the generational whipping boy and get our chance to start hating on the next generation in line!

“And, seriously,” added Klatt, “It won’t be hard. Kids these days are always glued to their iPhones and can’t interact socially at all. Dear lord, writing an angry article about this for The Huffington Post is going to be so easy!”

Of those polled, an overwhelming 95% of millennials responded that the could “incapacitated with glee” at the prospect of being able to analyze and condemn a whole new generation of humaity.

Study: Walk Signal Buttons Only Work if Pressed Over and Over

A recent study by the Kleinert Center for Urban Research found that walk signal buttons are virtually useless unless pressed constantly until the walk sign comes on.

“The results were indisputable,” said Doctor of Statistics William Neussendorfer. “While pushing the button the recommended single time resulted in long waits, pressing it at such rapid fire speeds that the clicks begin to blur together into a monotonous and endlessly annoying cacophony almost always yields a near-instantaneous cross-signal illumination.”

When asked why the buttons are designed so as only to work when used in such obsessive-compulsive succession, Neussendorfer responded, “The designers wanted to ensure that only the people who really want it are able to cross the street.”

That goal may be undermined, however, as new Government-Issued signs warning pedestrians that the light will only change if they incessantly press the button are to be attached to each and every crosswalk.

Oddly enough, this coincides with another study by the Kleinert center, which confirmed that the only way to get someone to answer the door is to ring their doorbell a minimum of twenty times.

The Southern View’s Guide to College Application

• The Common App: Now significantly easier thanks to the inclusion of much more straightforward questions. You’ll probably have to lie, though.
• Affirmative action: Not sure what it is, but it sounds pretty good.
• The College Board: Bunch of poop headed jerks up in their ivory tower, who are they to judge me!?!
• Safety schools: A sure-fire backup that you’ll go to if you decide to keep on living should all of your top picks reject you as your entire freaking future blows up in your face.
• Reach schools: Dream on.
• Punching an Alligator in the Face, Killing Your Father After Slowly Realizing he was Planning to Build an Ultimate Super Weapon, or Falling in Love With Someone you Originally Disliked in a Madcap Romantic Adventure: The only essay topics that could possibly show the admissions people something new.
• Heritage, Family, Childhood, Sacrifice, Bravery, or Being Yourself: Topics that every admissions official has read five hundred essays on.
• Area of Study:
• English: Say you want to major in this on any college interview and watch your interviewer’s face drop with disappointment.
• History: Nice try, bub.
• Creative Writing: You’ve got to be kidding me.
• Theater: C’mon.
• Theatre: Well now you’re screwed and pretentious.
• Social Sciences: Warmer.
• Regular Sciences: Almost there!
• STEM: Bingo!
• The Ivy League: Oh, that tantalizing light in the distance, so close yet somehow always out of reach. That gleaming golden city of light on the infinite horizon. Yet you chase it with all your might, pour every resources, every hidden reserve of strength, every ounce of your being into catching it. And who knows, maybe some day your lifeless husk, mangled beyond recognition by the journey, will find its way to the gilded steps? This is, of course, assuming you’re not a legacy.
• Stanford: See The Ivy League.
• Activities: As a general rule of thumb, admissions officials will assume any activity they don’t recognize is impressive. Evidence suggests this, as every single Thnokball Team Captain has gotten into Harvard.

News in Pictures: Warning Sign Makes Electrocution Look Pretty Cool

New, Brutally Honest Common App Just Asks Students Whether or Not They Are Idiots

In an unprecedented shift in the tone, the newly released 2015-2016 essay prompts for the Common Application have been reported by students as being brutally honest, with such questions as “Are You a Complete and Utter Dunderhead or Not? Don’t go and write a whole lot on it either, just answer the question, stupid.”

Mercy Segura, an executive from The Common App Corp. told reporters in a press release this week, “Our new, efficient wording system saves students and college admission workers time and energy by cutting all the crap about life stories and personal struggles and getting right to the heart of the matter: are you or are you not an inconvertible dope?”

The standard college application document, which has existed for decades and is used by hundreds of college across the United States, has never before undergone such a striking change in language, using a record number of derogatory terms referring to the students, including (but not limited to) “clod”, “numbskull”, “ jelly livered bonehead”, and “complete and utter moron.”

All of the five essay prompts ask the same basic question in terms of telling students to rate their intelligence on a binary scale. The only one that even remotely harkens back to the previous, less blunt history of the document is number four, which reads, “Think of a time that, for you, symbolized the transition from childhood to adulthood. Then envision yourself writing an essay about that topic. Then, to save both of us a boatload of time, instead of writing the essay just tell us whether or not it would be a total piece of crap.”

Another major change in the Common App’s basic mechanics is the removal of the word count. The essays, once restricted to a maximum of five hundred words, are now allowed to be of any length. In the press conference, Segura explained this change by saying, “If you’re the kind of self-important jerk who writes a freaking memoir about how you’re not an idiot, then you’re digging your own grave, bub.”

The reception by colleges has been generally positive. Northwestern University Admissions Master Vieja Perez told reporters, “This new system saves us countless hours of meaningless work. We pretty much just judge students based on their test scores and activities anyway, so using the new, simplified essay format allows us to quickly and easily screen for complete and utter dirt-for-brains.”

The system also garnered praise by both morons and non-morons alike. While countless intelligent students have agreed with the new batch of essay prompts for quickly and easily allowing them to confirm their competency, idiots like Erik Harmon have also called the shift a “Real time saver.”

“I was scared that the college application process would force me to pretend to be someone I’m not, but with this new system I can make it clear to the world that, yes, I am a worthless jelly-mind who doesn’t deserve admittance in even the least selective college.”

Sole Boy at Princess and Fairy Camp Feeling “Pretty Awkward”

Employees and fellow campers at a Princess and Fairy Day Camp, produced by Iowa City-based toy store The Fun Zone, reported that the only boy at the camp, six year old Carl Nicollet, appeared to be feeling “pretty awkward.”

Carl, who has thus far attended three out of the four two and a half hour camp sessions, has been documented displaying nervous and socially uncomfortable tendencies each day, even going so far as to attempt to hide in a storage closet to avoid being forced into a mermaid-themed dance party.

“It’s been really difficult dealing with Carl this week,” said longtime employee and resident Snow White impersonator Melody Nadelmann. “Ever since he saw the room full of girls the first morning, he’s ranged from anti social moping to active rebellion. The only project he showed even mild interest in was a castle-building exercise, and even that went south when he saw that you were supposed to paint it pink and decorate it with flowers.

“Honestly, I don’t know what his mom was thinking,” continued Nadelmann.

The various Fun Zone employees cited multiple examples of attempts to explain Nicollet’s behavior to his mother, Shelly Nicollet, but reportedly she refuses to hear it.

“Honestly, I couldn’t care less if my son ‘acts impulsive and violent during glitter parties’ or ‘tries eating the nail polish so he can go home sick.’” said Carl’s mother, using air quotes and mocking voices in the italicized phrases. “All I want is to have a couple hours with that little monster off my back in the morning, is that too much to ask?”

Carl, despite enjoying the Disney stories on which the day camp is based, does not seem to enjoy such activities as fairy wing decoration or jewelry box creation.

“I really just wish my mom had signed me up for Star Wars Camp instead,” said Carl Nicollet. “Or even one of those baby music classes would be better than this. The only fun part was when we were supposed to save the prince charming doll from a castle guarded by a dragon puppet, and even then I got in trouble for trying to strangle it instead of defeating it by blowing fairy dust on it like we were supposed to.”

“The Horny Hornet Dance Wasn’t Our Best Idea,” Stud. Co. Claims

After calling a press release in order to deal with the monumental fallout from the homecoming game disaster, Edina High School’s Student Council has claimed their invention and encouragement of ‘The Horny Hornet Dance’ was, “Probably not our brightest idea, exactly.”

Defending their decision to create a highly sexualized school specific song-and-dance routine, teach it to the entire student body during the pep fest, and encourage them to perform it at the homecoming game whenever the home team scored a touchdown, Stud. Co. President Michael O'Neil said, “I wish I could say we didn’t see this coming, but honestly, we knew going into this that there was a 60, 65% chance that everyone would be horribly offended. But that’s the risk we at Stud. Co. are willing to take.”

Edina's Transformation into a Twisted, Tech Driven Dystopia Continues

Expert opinions released this week from the Minnesota Center for Apocolypse Research confirmed that Edina is continuing its long, painful decline to a twisted dystopian civilization ruled by technology.

Drawing from the proliferation of smartphones, success of the eLearning^2 initiative, and new surveys on the amount of screen time for the average Edina citizen, MCAR Researcher Bree Jacobs has gone on record saying that we’re, “One or two months, tops, away from a total societal transformation into a Ray Bradbury-level dystopia where real life becomes a passing inconvenience and our lives are dominated purely by internet connections.”

According to the newest reports, Edina is leading the world in the inevitable transformation into a technotopia that, were it presented as a piece of fiction to critics in the 1950s, would be called “disturbing”, “far fetched”, and “a stark warning for what our society may be headed towards are we not careful in our consumption of new gizmos and widgets.”

“Just ten years ago, Edina of today could easily have been presented as a novel or film about how we need to be careful not to trade our individuality, tradition, and right to privacy for mobile phones and social networking,” said Jacobs. “Heck, acclaimed science fiction writer Astrid Soup’s critically acclaimed 1972 short story ‘Braindead Education’ about a school in which books and teachers have been replaced by computers and electronic games.”