Slominski Pre-calc lecture Oct. 7,2014

 

Last week, critically acclaimed math teacher Mrs. Slominski produced one of her finest masterpieces, a lecture enthralling as well as captivating, utilizing motifs and metaphors to engage her audience like never before.

The lecture started off small, describing the graphic shape of the algebraic expression (X-5)^2=Y. While the average layman may simply take this at face value, experienced cultural critics such as myself immediately identified it as a metaphor the religious idea of the afterlife. The X axis represents happiness, of course, and the Y time. As a parabola, the graph illustrates how before and after our lives we are truly in a state of bliss while our short, miserable lives are our lowest point. This began the recurring motif of pre-natal and post-death experiences that would continue throughout the lecture. The number 5 was also deeply symbolic.

The lecture continued, only becoming more interesting as it went on. Jumping from mathematical example to mathematical example, there were long pauses in which Slominski asked the audience (referred to as students as a metaphor for how we are all students in this life) to try to find the “solutions” to the problems. While some poorly educated lugards around me attempted to actually solve the problems, I sat back, the only one in the room who truly got the meaning. Because there are no real solutions to the problems of life, toiling in search for superficial answers is a fool’s errand.

Perhaps my only criticism of the otherwise excellent lecture is the continual references to “your test next week.” Try as I might, I can’t conceive what this could be a metaphor for. Perhaps the impending test is symbolic of death, but that doesn’t work because, while we have no idea when death will strike, the test is already pre-scheduled. Is it maybe a commentary on how we are all implicitly judged (or “tested, if you will”) by society? But that isn’t a good comparison either.

But the strongest part of the lecture by far was the twist ending. Slominski was saying, “Homework problems for tomorrow will be problems 5 through--” when the bell suddenly cut her off. As the lecture ended and the audience filed out, so many questions flooded my mind. What are the lost homework questions? What do they represent? Was this a planned metaphor or was it the sort of spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment philosophization that comes from such a sophisticated mind? How does the symbolism of 5 work in here?

All in all, while some may criticize Slominski for her convoluted story-telling methods and elitist structuring, I believe her overly-veiled way of revealing the eternal truths of humanity actually increase the profoundness of it all.

Score out of 8 stars: 5

A special message from the director of the Edina Blood Drive

Thank you all so very much for allowing me to extract your precious blood. 
As I sit here in my castle in Transylvania, dictating this letter to my mindless servant, I think of those less fortunate than I. That is who we’re pretending to donate this to, right, servant? Yes, of course.

What was I saying? Oh yes, I think of those less fortunate than I. That’s not to say that I haven’t encountered any hardship in my life. There was that time I almost ate garlic, the time I was banished from my home town, the time my reputation was tarnished by that godawful Twilight series. But I digress.

The point is that you made the right decision to enter into my blood donation van. You also made the right decision to allow us to blindfolds on you so you couldn’t see the equipment we were using. Don’t worry, my fangs, I mean, the needles were very clean.

Also, do not worry if you begin having some side-effects such as light-headedness, drowsiness, insomnia, low body temperature, suddenly gaining the ability to fly, a sudden hatred of werewolves, not appearing in reflections. My alchemist tells me these are all perfectly normal and harmless.

And now a word about safety. After giving blood, you are recommended to refrain from strenuous activity, operating heavy machinery, or entering holy spaces for at least one eternity. Please take this under advisement.

I apologize for the long wait which may have made you late to class. The draining of blood and darkening of the soul takes longer than you’d expect.

I would like to take this space to clarify that your blood can not be given back.

If you are more devoted to, er, charity than most, please show up at my Transylvanian castle at midnight before the rainy season. The rest of your blood can be very delicious. I mean, delicious to the needy people we’re giving it to. That’s what they do with it, drink it, right?

Never mind.

Good luck on the PSAT and happy Halloween!

DICTATED NOT SIGNED

Chancellor Ludvig von Hellscream

Robotics team 65% sure robot won't turn evil this year

Responding to fears expressed by the community that this year’s Edina Robotics team robot would turn evil, the team (known as Green Machine) told reporters that they were roughly 65% sure that their creation would not gain self-awareness and attack the community like before.

“Look, I know we have a bad track record with this sort of stuff,” said team leader Jenny Sorenson, “But you have to trust us to do everything in our power to make sure this robot doesn’t pose a threat to humanity. You can sleep soundly knowing that there’s only an outside chance that the robot we make will burn down EPAC or give the the key to the school to the Russian mafia.”

“The past incidents weren’t entirely our fault,” added Sorenson. “The competition has a disturbing trend of issuing challenges that lend themselves to evil robots. I mean, ‘make a robot capable of posing a threat to humanity’ really limits your options in terms of non-malicious automatons.”

Wii-U sky-rockets in sales, combination of Mario-Kart 8 and power to absolve sin

Despite terrible sales for the first part of the year, the new Nintendo gaming console has recently shot up in sales over the past few weeks. In the past month alone sales have increased 800%, bringing the struggling Japanese gaming company Nintendo into the black in terms of profits.

Why the sparked popularity? Nintendo sales executive manager Hubert Jameston explained it to reporters. “Part of it is obviously interest in Mario Kart 8, the newest installment in the Mario Kart series. The part, other part is, of course, the fact that purchasing a Wii U can absolve you or one of your loved ones of guilt for any past misdeeds.”

Many economic experts are attributing the spike in sales to the Wii U’s current, aggressive ad campaign. Jameston explained that, too, saying, “We were very careful about where we placed the ads. We made sure that ads for Mario Kart 8 went on kid’s shows, highlighting the game’s exciting premise and bright visuals. Likewise, we made sure that we put commercials that highlight the Wii U’s power to clean the moral conscience of even the most tortured soul on situational comedies, which are only watched by sad, lonely peopled riddled with regret.”

Top ten Edina-themed horror movies

1. After 15 Minutes, If There’s No Teacher, You Can Leave Class… If You’re Still Alive.
2. Combatative Time
3. Dial P for Pre-Ap English 10-related Swamp Monster
4. The Writer’s Blood
5. All the Teacher’s Assistants are Zombies!
6. Who would have thought the Edina Hornet had a taste for human flesh?
7. EPAC: Edina Psychotic-Arsonist Center
8. Who would have thought the Edina Hornet had a taste for human flesh 2: The Minnetonka Skipper gets in on the action!
9. Don’t break the iPhone screen… or the iPhone screen breaks you!
10. Trying to get out of the parking lot

Cross country team forgets to stop running

Confusion and panic set in a little less than two weeks ago as the entirety of the boys section of the Edina Cross Country team, including the middle school, junior varsity, and varsity subsections, failed to return from a standard 47-minute run. While many feared the worst for the approximately 200 runners, aged 12-to-19, satellite photos and eyewitness reports confirmed that the athletes were unharmed but had simply forgotten to stop running.

The team was first reported in a farm a few miles outside outside the metro area. They were then found by various locals in South Dakota, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and California. The team seems to be heading Southwest, completely unaware that they were supposed to turn around several thousand miles ago.

“Yep, I saw em’,” said Earl Pickett, a Dakotan insurance salesman who apparently glimpsed the horde of teenaged students as they passed through his hometown of Aberdeen. “A bunch of kids runnin’ through the street. Most of them without any shirts on, all sweaty lookin’.”

While many parents initially feared that their children would suffer from extreme exhaustion, the runners seem to be suffering no ill effects from their 340 consecutive hours of running. In fact, even the 7th graders who only had a few week’s worth of practice seem to be keeping up remarkably well with the rest of the pack.

The Southern View was able to get an exclusive interview with one of the runners. While driving alongside them in a van, we were able to talk to Anthony Moore, a sophomore at Edina High School and a junior varsity runner.

“Yeah, this run is going pretty well,” said Moore as he finished his 929th mile, now running through the outskirts of Boulder, Colorado. “I guess I’m kind of tired, but that’s to be expected for a long run at this point in the season. It’s nice that they got the whole team to do a run together.”

Throughout the entire interview, Moore seemed entirely oblivious to the fact that he had been running day and night for around a week at that point. In fact, the only time he appeared even mildly aware of his surroundings was when he noted, “This is kind of a different part of Edina than I’m used to.”

Some experts suggest that the cross country team might turn around when they reach the Pacific Ocean. Others predict that they will either run North, up through Oregon and Washington to Canada, or south into Mexico and Central America.