Due to a recent legal conflict, Deca leaders announced earlier this week that popular food items such as cookies and ramen noodles would no longer be available for student purchase.
Since then, the school has been seized chaos and despair as unruly hordes raided the DeCafe in search of the last individual ramen noodles or cookie crumbs, while thousands more collapsed, lifeless in the hallways, consumed by undernourishment.
“How could they do this to us!” screeched junior Emma Willard, clothes in tatters and face in full war paint as she prepared to attack the DeCafe after fifteen minutes without easily available junk food, “how could they deprive us of necessary sustenance and leave us to starve and die like dogs!?!”
In response to numerous firmly worded emails and at least seven violent riots, Deca officials held a press conference concerning the pressing food shortage and widespread starvation among the student body.
“We’re doing everything we can,” said Deca President Jenny Abzurg, “but there’s a whole lot of weird legal stuff that comes with serving unprepared foods that we’d sort of just been ignoring up to this point, so you guys are probably just going to have to sit tight for awhile.”
“That’s okay with ya’ll, right?” Abzurg concluded to the moaning horde emaciated students sprawled out on the crowd, too weak even to rise.
“Oh, the woe,” said sophomore Jonathan Godnies, who, at the time of our interview, was slowly dying of malnutrition in the language hallway, “how fragile a thing life is. One moment you’re lively and happy, then all of a sudden someone stops selling Cliff Bars and leaves you to die, emaciated and forgotten in some dark and desolate hallway.”
When informed by reporters that food was readily available in the cafeteria, Godnies said, “nah, I’m good. I can’t stand that healthy goop they started serving there.”
