10 Movies we Wish had Been Made but Never Were, so we Went Back in Time to Greenlight Them and we Now Have to Deal With the Consequences of our Thoughtless Misuse of Time Travel

1. All Three Star Wars Prequels: Don’t you think they should have expanded upon the already rich and lucrative Star Wars properties? We sure did, in an alternate version of the year 2012, which all changed once we went back in time to give George Lucas a heartwarming speech about how the franchise still had legs. Boy, were we wrong.
2. Ironman: When we found out that Marvel Studios had scrapped their idea of a cinematic adaptation of the iconic mech-suited superhero, we knew there was only one thing to do, go back in time and convince Jon Favreau to reconsider his decision to drop the project. Little did we know that this would in turn spawn a massively successful line of Marvel movies as well as cause a famine in China through the butterfly effect.
3. Frozen: This one indirectly led a French man to go on a violent crime spree. But it also brought joy and happiness to millions of young girls, so the two sort of even each other out, right? Right?
4. The Lego Movie: This one started out as a joke, to see if we could manipulate Hollywood to greenlight literally anything. We never guessed that it would turn out to be one of the most ludicrously successful movies of 2014, or that it would inspire a mentally disturbed Cleveland-area construction worker to beat up his boss.
5. The Life of Pi: In our original timeline, the pitch to adapt this supposedly “unfilmable” book was quickly dismissed by multiple studio executives. That was, until we jumped back to the year 2010 and used our superior knowledge of the future to convince 20th Century Fox that we were gods and that we that they greenlight this movie. Oh yeah, it indirectly caused major power outages in Colarado.
6. Project Almanac: Pretty ironic, isn’t it?

The Southern View's Top Pick-Up Lines

• Are you Toa of Fire Likhan before he was turned into a Turaga after a fight with Shadow Hunters Krekka and Nidhorak and eventually killed by Turaga Duma, who was actually not really Turaga Duma but Makuta disguised as Metru Nui’s Turaga leader? Because you’re hot.
• Are you a hot air balloon? Because you look really, really high right now. No, wait, that doesn’t work.
• Are you a dementor? Because even if you are I’ll still be willing to kiss you.
• Hey, Racecar, would you mind giving me a ride? (Note: this only works if you’re hitting on senior Linzy Racecar.)
• If I had a whiteboard, I’d write out "1-18Y ey 8u" and then ask what it meant. Then you’d say “I don’t know” and I’d wipe away the bottom part and reveal that just the top part would spell out “I love you”. Wow, I really wish I had a white board.
• Are you The Human Torch? I dunno why, you just sorta look like the guy from that stupid Fantastic Four movie. Can you believe that they’re remaking the piece of crap?
• Hey, is your only chance at love waiting until your multi-billionaire father dies and leaves you his riches so you can be swindled out of it all by some heartless gold digger? Because mine is.
• Are you attractive? Because I’m super blind so I’ll just have to take your word for it.
• Did you know that my dad used to be friends with the unabomber? It’s true! They were, like, totally besties! Pretty cool, right? Anyways, you wanna date me?
• Want take a ride with a Racecar? (note: This only works if you are senior Linzy Racecar.)

Everything Happy, Government Agency on Happiness Confirms

In a surprising and heartwarming and good press release this week, Government Agency for Happiness confirmed that everyone, absolutely everyone is happy, content, and doing spiffily.

The Government Agency for Happiness went on to suggest that you stick to your normal schedule. “Your routine makes you happy, so why do things differently?” said Happiness Master Alfred Yogmen. “Why go to new places? Why do new things? Why investigate the mysterious disappearance of Carl Sickler? Why go down to the abandoned science factory? You shouldn’t. There is nothing to see down there.”

The GAH concluded their conference by distributing lists of “happiness dos and don’ts” to the members of the press, included such tips as “DO smile”, “DO greet each day with a reasonable amount of happiness”, and “DON’T question why the moon looks like its falling apart. It might look like that but it isn’t. The moon is not going to fall apart so stop worrying about it.”

Miracle Weight Loss Solution Just Slightly Convex Mirror

Dr. Gregor Jefdel last month launched a vigorous ad campaign for his “Break-Through Body-Size Reduction Solution”. An ad played often on the radio boasts, “Imagine looking at the mirror a week from now and see yourself insanely thinner and taller. This goal, once thought impossible, is now easily attainable with Dr. Gregor Jefdel’s Miracle Invention!” This claim, while technically truthful, has come under fire from a number of groups for feeding off body image insecurities and also that is just a slightly convex mirror.

Julia Mezfert, leader of the political lobbying group Americans for Realistic Body-Images Now!!! spoke out against the new device. “This is yet another snake-oil salesman in the legacy of Dr. Oz trying to make a quick buck from the generations of young people who are told by society that they need to have thin, perfect bodies,” said Mendel. “And if that’s not enough, it doesn’t actually work. It’s just one of those fun-house mirrors that make you look cartoonishly tall and thin.”

Texas, King of States and Champion of America, Rules Gay Marriage Legal

In yet another glorious victory for the eldest, largest, and greatest of states, Texas’s Almighty and Wonderful court system decided to make gay marriage legal.

All 268,823 awesome square miles of Texas, Mighty Texas, rejoiced as it was announced that gay marriages were now legal. Judge Guy Herman who, like all Texans, is a wonderful and all-knowing superhuman, made the decision just yesterday.  

“We would have legalized it long ago, but we realized that overturning a previous ruling would conflict with The Doctrine of Texan Infallibility,” explained Herman at a press conference held during the daily Pro-Texas rally. “Finally, we figured out that we could get around it simply by stating that gay marriage was wrong up until yesterday, when it suddenly became not wrong anymore.”  

This decision, like every decision made in Texas’s amazing 170 year history, was wildly celebrated by Texas’s twenty seven million citizens, as well as some of the ignorant savages inhabiting garbage states and cesspool country. “I think it is good that Texas lets gay people marry each other,” said Milwaukee-area oaf/imbecile  Robert Dossavi, using the limited brain power allotted to his non-Texan ilk. Similar sentiments were voiced by Carol Robinson, a poop-man from the barren wasteland of North Dakota, David Sherrell, an illiterate nitwit living in the desolate death-scape that is known to its idiotic inhabitants as London, and Cynthia Perez, a human being who is articulate, intelligent, mighty, and God-like because she hails from Houston.

The court decision doesn’t only allow the magnificent gay people of Texas to marry, however. It also gives the right to the citizens of Texas’s many territories and colonies, such as Alaska, the Pacific Ocean, and the moon.

“I’m so happy that my partner and I can finally marry,” said Paul Elwell who is gay and, much more importantly, a citizen of Texas. “It’s a big step forward in setting an example for the rest of the horrifyingly idiotic and non-Texan world, and another proud chapter in Texas’s already perfect and unquestionably glorious history.”

Elwell’s words may come true, and sooner than he thinks. Citizens some of the other states (which Texas lets stay in America out of pity) met this morning in a hopeless attempt to understand what a law is, so that they could pass one that made gay marriage okay.