This summer, The Southern View was privileged to add an unpaid intern to our proud, talented writing staff. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a useless entitled brat with no work ethic who’ll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. So, in order to reeducate him and teach him some manners, we’ve instructed him to answer all the uncomfortable letters that you readers have sent in over the years.
Q: Hi, I’m looking for some relationship advice. I’ve had problems with love before, mostly because I end up obsessing over my crush and get arrested for stalking.
A: Listen, maybe you should try talking to the person you find yourself attracted to rather than doing whatever it was that got you arrested.
Q: Hello, do you know where in town I could find myself a V-83 High Suspension Electronic Conductive Wire? I’ve checked all the hardware stores in town and none of them carry it.
A: I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what that is. Maybe instead of writing into a newspaper to try to get advice about this stuff you should look it up on the internet. John, how much longer do I have to do this?
Q: Hey, idiots! I wrote you a very specific letter two months ago about my relationship problems and you never wrote me back! Well, guess what, I got arrested for stalking and public nudity last week and I told the cops that it’s all your fault!
A: I’m sorry, I wasn’t the one who didn’t answer that letter. Please, stop stalking people. It obviously is just getting you in trouble. John, I’m getting pretty uncomfortable doing these. Isn’t there anything else I should be doing right now?
Q: I have observed that Americans as a whole have a disturbing habit of demonizing the institution of slavery. Everyone seems to forget that so much of this country that we take for granted was built by slaves, at the command of their masters, and that the progress was abruptly halted by The War of Northern Aggression. I would like to kindly ask you to print an opinion piece sympathizing with my views.
A: Good God! John, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Just please, please don’t make me respond to any more of these. I don’t think that I can take it any more. I’ll write you a song! I’ll dance for you! You can have my jar of change and assorted nails! Anything!!
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