Are Millenials Being Spoiled by the Countless Online Articles Complaining About Millennials?

One doesn’t need to look far to see countless online opinion articles calling the latest generation to come of age out for their attention seeking habits, their laziness, their technology addiction, their entitled nature, their coddled upbringing. And even a cursory search pulls up nearly as many articles by millennial apologists who spin theses traits as positives necessary for survival in our evolving world. There’s only one clear consensus that all these writers come to: those born between 1980 and 2000 are a generation unlike any other in human history. Much electronic ink has been spilled espousing theories for why millennial break the generational mold: changing parenting styles, the birth of the internet in their formative years, economic trends, shifting population demographics, it’s all been considered, and for me, none of them have provided a satisfactory answer for what’s wrong with millennials. But after poring over years and years of data, I think I’ve finally found the solution: we’ve spoiled millennials by writing too many think pieces about them.

It may seem to simple to be true, but trust me, I’ve run the numbers, and it all works out. Why are they so obsessed with technology? Because there are so many articles about them plastering social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter. Why are they so entitled? Because, without so much as lifting a finger, they’ve become the focus of essays by well established writers, published everywhere from Brietbart to The New Yorker. Why are they so obsessed with attention? Because we’ve given it to them in limitless quantities, going so far as to write entire books complaining about them.

Some might argue that this isn’t so large a change, that every generation has an editorial or two calling them lazy, pretentious morons. But even if a few people did pen letters to the editor harping on Baby Boomers’ lack of work ethic or Generation X’s tendency to shirk real responsibility, they certainly didn’t have the mass electronic circulation that today’s articles demonizing 75.4 million young people get.

The truth is undeniable: by writing articles that simplify all Americans between the ages of seventeen to thirty seven into broad, ubiquitously negative stereotypes, we have turned them into phone-obsessed, superficial, sheltered weaklings with lots of fancy educations but no real world skills.

Of course, some of the more soft-hearted generational analysts may blame themselves for inadvertently creating a generation of shallow cowards who can’t handle the real world by relentless name calling in practically every magazine and journal. But the real blame here lies in the millennials themselves. The Greatest Generation lived through economic ruin and apocalyptic war and, through combined strength and courage, turned America into a golden haven of prosperity. Can’t these tech addicted airheads have thick enough skin to be pseudo-scientifically analyzed on numerous online forms without turning into braindead screen-zombies?

While these kids should have grown up when they turned eighteen just like every other generation, the only option now is to resort to what I call “Plan Better Late Than Never.” We have to cut them off from our stream of derision and condescension. No more think pieces, no more articles, not even angry Facebooks rants. Millennials won’t have us adults around to constantly tell them that they’re a turning our society into an unmanly, sheltered, spineless cesspool of overpriced avocado toast and useless liberal arts degrees, and if they don’t like it, then they’ll just have to learn to live with it!

6 Important Reasons For the Women's March and 7 Lame Ones

1). Donald Trump has been accused of, and admitted to (in the Access Hollywood audio recording), sexual assault.

There’s no denying it, Donald Trump has no respect for women’s rights to their own bodies. If he acts this way as a private citizen, it’s extremely likely his choice in words and policy as president will not treat women with the respect they deserve. This is clearly one of our stronger reasons why the largest protest in U.S. history is morally justified.

2). Donald Trump sees women only as sexual objects.

You don’t need to dig very deep to find the countless examples of Donald Trump treating women’s beauty as their sole defining feature. It is frankly disgusting that our nation elected this man president.

3). Donald Trump looks like a big old pile of poop and no girl is ever going to kiss him!

A staff writer’s six-year-old niece came up with this one. While we’re sure she has her heart in the right place, the fact remains that Donald Trump was actually married three times, so the claim that no girl is ever going to kiss him is just incorrect.

4). Donald Trump judges women harshly for their physical appearance, while he’s pretty ugly on his own.

While we’re pretty confident no sensible human would call Donald Trump a looker, and his objectification does show some degree of hypocrisy and double standard, this attempt to put number three into more adult terms doesn’t work because it implies that it would be okay for an attractive man to make the same reprehensible comments. So, yeah, this is one of the lame ones.

5). Donald Trump opposes a woman’s right to choose.

Okay, let’s get back on track here. Donald Trump suggested that women who choose to have an abortion should be punished, and his Vice President Mike Pence spent much of the Vice Presidential debate railing against partial birth abortions, a nonexistent practice commonly used to demonize the left. That went pretty well, right?

6). Donald Trump repeatedly creates shallow, objectified female characters in his short stories, novels, and plays.

Upon closer inspection, we found that Donald Trump the real estate mogul and current U.S. president was actually a different person from Donald Trump the literary fiction writer, so this doesn’t work at all. And in all fairness, the latest work in his oeuvre, a novella entitled The Bronze Leaf of Hope, crafts a deep, realistic, and flawed yet strong female character in Rhonda Jefferson. Way to go, Trump!

7). Donald Trump uses sexism as a political weapon.

From his takedown of Carly Fiorina’s appearance to the subtle sexism in calling Hillary Clinton a “nasty woman,” Donald Trump’s language is specifically calibrated to appeal to sexist impulses in his supporters. And it worked.

8). Donald Trump raped and murdered Priscilla McKenzie in Hollowtown, Massachusetts, in 1912.

That was another Donald Trump too, as it turns out.

9). Our layout editor’s sister, who lost her job lately and is having trouble finding a new one, is making a killing off selling hand-knit pink pussy hats.

This is a little too personal for anyone who doesn’t know Sarah Clifford to really understand. Actually, knowing her makes it worse because everyone knows she spends all that money on weed.

10). Donald Trump supported defunding planned parenthood.

That Donald Trump would go out of his way to condemn an organization that offers breast exams and birth control to women who need it is appalling.

11). Donald Trump has only appointed two women to his cabinet.

One of them is Mitch McConnell’s wife and the other is the uber-rich and insanely unqualified Betsy DeVos. This lack of gender diversity is truly disheartening. Let’s hope we can squeeze out at least one more good one as we reach the end of the list.

12). Donald Trump is not a woman.

While factually correct, this one suggests that we need to mobilize international marches against every non-woman, which would be a lot of work and wouldn’t accomplish a whole lot.

13). Donald Trump still has not released his tax returns.

We could probably find some intersectionality-type reason why this pertains to women, but screw it, let’s just call this a lame one and call it a day.

Opinion: I'm a Democrat, but Even I Have to Admit That Donald Trump is Very Loud

        If you’ve been on any kind of social media in the past few weeks, you’ve probably seen the barrage of liberal attacks on Donald Trump. They say he’s inexperienced, they say he’s emotionally unfit, they say he doesn’t know the constitution, they say he wasn’t even legitimately elected. As a lifelong Democrat, I can relate to many of these sentiments, but at the same time I feel that my fellow party members are selling our president elect short. Being an adult means seeing the world beyond childish black and white, it means we have to acknowledge the virtues of those we disagree with. So I’m just going to come right out and say it: despite his flaws, Donald Trump is very loud.

Look, I’m apprehensive about his plan to build a wall along the Mexican American border too, I think it’s unconstitutional and frankly disgusting to treat a religion like a terrorist group, and his “law and order” rhetoric harkens back to the implicit racism of the War on Drugs. But still, you’ve got to admit, this guy can yell like nobody’s business. When you see him onstage, you think “Even if he didn’t have that microphone, we’d still be able to hear him. That’s how loud he is.” His speaking volume is unparalleled in American leaders.

I don’t care what your party affiliation is, you have to respect a guy who can shout over everyone else.

I hate to admit it, but my party bungled it on this election. Bernie Sanders was a very, very loud man, I’d go so far as to say one of the loudest men I’d ever seen. But did we celebrate him for his booming voice? No, we threw him under the bus and instead chose as our candidate a woman who couldn’t shout if she had a megaphone. You blame the outcome of the election on racism? On sexism? On xenophobia? It’s a pretty thought, but any objective observer would agree: America just won’t accept a quiet president, and maybe that’s for the best.

You can argue with Trump’s policy, but you simply can’t argue with his loudness. I can’t say with total certainty that he will be the loudest president America has ever had, since so many came before the time of recorded sound, but he will definitely be the loudest President of the century.

Could Trump improve? Sure. For one, he could stop engaging in petty twitter feuds, using his extraordinary influence to cyberbully his dissenters. Or, even better, he could get into even more petty feuds and commit even more cyberbullying, but do it in all caps so that people can imagine his rumbling earthquake of a voice when reading his tweets.

Don’t think I’ll go complacently into Trump’s America. If he follows through on his racist agenda, I’ll complain. If he gets us into an ill conceived war, I’ll be on the streets protesting. If he runs the country into the ground like so many gloom-and-doom Democrats are suggesting, I’ll vote against him in the next election cycle. But for now, why can’t my fellow Democrats just stop whining and celebrate that, instead of choosing the overqualified, even tempered, politically savvy candidate, we now get to spend four years being represented as a country by a guy who is really, really loud?