The Southern View's Guide to Manners

• It is impolite to speak with your mouth full unless the net worth of the food in there exceeds $200.
• If you are asked “Where are you applying to college?”, “Where are you going to college?”, or “Where did you go to college?”, the only proper response is “Yale, of course!”
• If you absolutely must stab someone, do it with the salad fork (and remember to use your left hand, for goodness sakes!)
• Children are not to be seen, heard, smelled, but tasting them is okay.
• Only drink bottled water.
• If you are addressing someone older, richer, or of higher breeding than yourself, bow whenever they pass and call them “sir” or “ma’am”.
• If you are a wealthy, inbred greezer, then enjoy your right to act like a total prick.
• If you’re in the South, don’t mention the Civil War.
• There are only a handful of respectable professions. They are: factory owner, yellow journalist, prison owner, drunken writer, or being of noble blood.
• If you are wondering about a person’s place in society, ask to see their cane.
• If it is just a regular wooden cane, they’re an impoverished groundling, so their correct title is Mr. or Mrs.
• If it has a sword inside it, they’re slightly more affluent so call them sir or ma’am.
• If it shoots lightning, they’re really something, so it’s probably best to calls them “Your Highness”.
• If it shoots a very small nuclear missile, calls them “senator”.
• If you are insulted, how you respond should be decided by your gender.
• If you are a man, challenge the insulter to a duel, using the dueling rules set down in The Duelist’s Codex.
• If you are a woman, cover your mouth in a ladylike fashion, say “Heavens to Betsy!” in an offended manner, then challenge your insulter to a duel using the rules set down in The Duelist’s Codex: Woman’s Edition.

• Obviously the world was a more civilized a long time ago, so, as a general rule of thumb, try to emulate the language and mannerisms of the people back in 2005.

Civil War Reenactor Really Wishes he Could get a Tetanus Shot

Williamsburg-area citizen and civil war reenactor Armen Civrez told reporters this Tuesday that he could really, really use a tetanus shot.

Sources confirmed that the Walgreens manager and soldier the 127th Confederate Infantry is currently in dire need of modernized medical attention after accidentally stepping on a rusty nail during a reenactment of the First Battle of Bull Run.

While the disease is easily preventable with a $30.00 vaccination that has been available since 1924, the code of conduct for keeping absolute time period accuracy has prevented Civrez from receiving the necessary health care.

“Sure, it’s tempting to throw all my hard work away for medical safety,” said Civrez shortly before his jaw locked, “But when I joined this company I made a pledge not to break time period for any reason, including my own well being!” 

At press time, the Infantry surgeon had started Civrez on a leaching treatment and prescribed him era-accurate mercury pills to cure the disease.